It's been a week since my surgeries. My pain is down to zero. Woo hoo! I can't really stretch completely, but give it another few days, and I'm sure I'll be good as new. My throat, however, is a different story!
I had my post-op appointment today and I asked my doctor why my throat was hurting so bad. It feels like strep throat, but without the fever. I can't swallow food or drink liquids without putting myself through tons of pain. My doctor said the reason is because the anesthesiologist had put one catheter down my throat to insufflate me with carbon dioxide, but for whatever reason, didn't like that one, so she removed it and put in another. Dr. Dekhordi knew I'd be feeling that for awhile, and she was right. Ouch!!!
Dr. Dekhordi showed me pictures of my insides. All I saw was lots of red and pink while she pointed to things and said what they were - my ovaries, my fallopian tubes, etc. I just nodded and said, "Oh, okay," unsuccessfully seeing what she was seeing She said everything is "textbook perfect," that the pictures could be in an anatomy textbook. There is absolutely, positively nothing wrong with my reproductive organs!!!
Aaron and I are still not quite sure what our next step is. A part of us wants to relax and lay low the next couple months...finding the romance in our relationship again, and not focusing on "timing" sex around the time of ovulation. But then another part of us wants to "get 'er done!!!" We both don't want this trying-to-conceive phase in our life to continue any longer. We're so ready to move onto the miraculous nine months of pregnancy. So, we may try naturally during these summer months, we may not. We may meet with the infertility specialist and start hormone treatment (shots, etc.), we may not. These shots are quite pricey, and quite not covered by insurance.
We have a good chunk of money in savings. It's called the "Johnson Baby #2 Fund." We've already spent a ton of money on all my doctor visits, my IUI, my countless rounds of Clomid, my hysterosalpingogram, and now my laparoscopy / hysteroscopy / D&C, but the remainder of this money is going to sit there until Aaron and I decide what to do (if we don't conceive naturally).
I am seeking God through all of this. Before making any decision, I pray for God to weigh in my heart what I need to do. I prayed for God's guidance with all of the steps I've taken thus far, and He has definitely provided. Even though I'm not pregnant, He has given me the opportunity to see that I am healthy and my body is fully capably of bearing a second child. The beauty of being fertile, regardless of how long it takes to conceive, is something I shouldn't take for granted. There are so many women who absolutely cannot have their own children and have to resort to adoption. I have my Ella and I have my reproductive health. So, while Aaron and I decide what to do next, I will continue to pray and faithfully look to God for His guidance.
Showing posts with label Laparoscopy and Hysteroscopy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Laparoscopy and Hysteroscopy. Show all posts
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
Unexplained Infertility = Act of God
I'm in a lot of pain right now...much more than I thought I would be. My shoulders and ribs hurt so bad from being blown up with carbon dioxide and from the anesthesia . My throat is wildly sore from the tube being forced down it. And every movement I make hurts my stomach area. I have two incision sites - one right near my belly button and the other, a longer cut, is located at my lower left abdomen (practically on top of my c-section scar). I was prescribed vicodin and ibuprofen, but neither seem to be helping much with the pain. I know I'd be in much worse pain with no pain meds, though. I'm just very grateful that I have a 3-day weekend to take it easy and allow my body to heal.
But let me tell you about yesterday. Firstly, I woke up and read my daily devotion, as I do most every morning, and the Bible verse the devotion reflected on was as follows:
"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." - John 8:32. Isn't that the most appropriate Bible verse for me to read yesterday?
Despite that Bible verse and devotion making me feel better, I was still very quiet and tense most of the morning. Aaron sensed it and waited for me to come to him in conversation and hugs. When we arrived at the hospital at 10:00 and checked in with the admit people, I almost immediately went into the surgical center where they prepped me for the O.R. Before that, though, they required I provide a urine sample for a pregnancy test. What a big slap in the face! I know it's standard procedure to ask all menstruating women going into surgery, but I just wanted to be like, "Uh, hello! I'm not pregnant, hence why I'm here!"
They tagged me with the typical hospital wristband with my name, date of birth, etc., but also with a huge red wristband saying "ALLERGY ALERT." I found out the hard way that I am allergic to Reglan, an IV medicine given to help nausea. That's another interesting story. Remind me to tell you sometime. I got decked up in the oh-so-flattering hospital gown, sat down in the surprisingly comfortable twin-sized hospital bed and waited and waited and waited to be wheeled away.
So, at about 11:40, the O.R. nurse came in and rolled me away without giving me a chance to get one last kiss from Aaron. Luckily, he was able to go with me into the next waiting area, where we were to have a brief consult with Dr. Dekhordi (my OB-GYN performing the surgeries), the anesthesiologist and another nurse. Soon after getting to this second waiting area, Aaron gave me a kiss. He said he didn't want them to whisk me away without getting a proper goodbye again. I thought that was very sweet and it made me tear up.
Some much-needed comic relief came from the old man next to us. We were separated from him only by a curtain, and he was also soon going in for surgery. During his consult with his doctor, the doctor asked if he had a wife or any family waiting in the waiting room for him. He said, "No, I'm looking for a wife, though," and then he mumbled something about how he's old and has no money and so he's having a hard time finding a lady. Aaron and I couldn't help but laugh. We couldn't have asked for a more perfect timing for a good laugh.
At 12:13 I entered the bright, sterile operating room. Looking around at all the machinery made me dizzy and overwhelmed, so I just kept my focus on my doctor's kind eyes. Once they got me all set up and attached to the machines (you know, the heart rate monitor and things like that), the anesthesiologist worked her magic. Last words I remember were, "Sweet dreams," from Dr. Dekhordi and "Go to Hawaii," from the nurse. I felt my mind go blank and my body slump into complete relaxation.
Next thing I knew, it was 2:15 and I was waking up in the anesthesia recovery room with two new nurses. They asked how I was feeling and all that good stuff. I laid in there for probably 10 minutes while they monitored me and made sure I was waking up okay. Then, one of them wheeled me back to the surgical center and on the way we picked up my very anxious husband waiting in the hallway.
Aaron had received two pages while I was gone. The first one was sent when the surgery was done, the second one was sent when I was leaving the recovery area, so he was expecting me. It was so good to see him, but I was still so out of it. I kept asking him the same questions, and he'd look at me and be like, "You know you just asked me that, right?" And I honestly wouldn't remember. It was trippy!
At the surgical center, they took my vitals a few times, gave me some juice and water, made sure I could walk and pee, and then discharged me. I think I should've stayed longer, but I made myself get up and walk, even though I felt dizzy and light-headed. I just wanted to get home. Having been there for 6 hours already, I wanted to go home and lay on my comfortable couch and have Aaron take care of me, rather than all those strangers.
As for the results (drum roll please)...absolutely nothing wrong was found!!! I haven't talked to my doctor yet, but she told Aaron everything while I was still under. So, with no adhesions, endometriosis, cysts or anything else that could be causing problems, I'm absolutely dumbfounded! Don't get me wrong, I'm completely happy and grateful nothing wrong was found. Thank you, God! But with both of us being tested now, and both of us showing to be completely fine, and the two of us having proved that we are a fertile couple and able to conceive, what the heck is going on???
I can tell you what's going on...God is what's going on! There are many causes of infertility, both male and female factors, but if everything is fine and we are still unable to conceive, I truly believe God is withholding us from a baby right now. For what reason? I don't know. But God's absolutely perfect reason will show itself in due time. Amazingly, 30% of couples having trouble conceiving fall under this "unexplained infertility" category, so Aaron and I are not alone in this. I just wonder how common unexplained secondary infertility is, though. Probably not too common.
But, instead of questioning why things are the way they are, Aaron and I have to face reality head on and fight through this, allowing God to show us His larger than life purpose for our lives as parents.
What is our next step? Well, to tell you the truth, Aaron and I are still discussing it. I have my post-op appointment with Dr. Dekhordi on Thursday. She has already given me the contact information for the infertility clinic she refers patients to. There is an office in Modesto, but the main offices are in the bay area. Big gulp. Aaron and I are going to have a big decision to make within the next month or so, but we are going into this next step prayerfully and hopefully.
But let me tell you about yesterday. Firstly, I woke up and read my daily devotion, as I do most every morning, and the Bible verse the devotion reflected on was as follows:
"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." - John 8:32. Isn't that the most appropriate Bible verse for me to read yesterday?
Despite that Bible verse and devotion making me feel better, I was still very quiet and tense most of the morning. Aaron sensed it and waited for me to come to him in conversation and hugs. When we arrived at the hospital at 10:00 and checked in with the admit people, I almost immediately went into the surgical center where they prepped me for the O.R. Before that, though, they required I provide a urine sample for a pregnancy test. What a big slap in the face! I know it's standard procedure to ask all menstruating women going into surgery, but I just wanted to be like, "Uh, hello! I'm not pregnant, hence why I'm here!"
They tagged me with the typical hospital wristband with my name, date of birth, etc., but also with a huge red wristband saying "ALLERGY ALERT." I found out the hard way that I am allergic to Reglan, an IV medicine given to help nausea. That's another interesting story. Remind me to tell you sometime. I got decked up in the oh-so-flattering hospital gown, sat down in the surprisingly comfortable twin-sized hospital bed and waited and waited and waited to be wheeled away.
So, at about 11:40, the O.R. nurse came in and rolled me away without giving me a chance to get one last kiss from Aaron. Luckily, he was able to go with me into the next waiting area, where we were to have a brief consult with Dr. Dekhordi (my OB-GYN performing the surgeries), the anesthesiologist and another nurse. Soon after getting to this second waiting area, Aaron gave me a kiss. He said he didn't want them to whisk me away without getting a proper goodbye again. I thought that was very sweet and it made me tear up.
Some much-needed comic relief came from the old man next to us. We were separated from him only by a curtain, and he was also soon going in for surgery. During his consult with his doctor, the doctor asked if he had a wife or any family waiting in the waiting room for him. He said, "No, I'm looking for a wife, though," and then he mumbled something about how he's old and has no money and so he's having a hard time finding a lady. Aaron and I couldn't help but laugh. We couldn't have asked for a more perfect timing for a good laugh.
At 12:13 I entered the bright, sterile operating room. Looking around at all the machinery made me dizzy and overwhelmed, so I just kept my focus on my doctor's kind eyes. Once they got me all set up and attached to the machines (you know, the heart rate monitor and things like that), the anesthesiologist worked her magic. Last words I remember were, "Sweet dreams," from Dr. Dekhordi and "Go to Hawaii," from the nurse. I felt my mind go blank and my body slump into complete relaxation.
Next thing I knew, it was 2:15 and I was waking up in the anesthesia recovery room with two new nurses. They asked how I was feeling and all that good stuff. I laid in there for probably 10 minutes while they monitored me and made sure I was waking up okay. Then, one of them wheeled me back to the surgical center and on the way we picked up my very anxious husband waiting in the hallway.
Aaron had received two pages while I was gone. The first one was sent when the surgery was done, the second one was sent when I was leaving the recovery area, so he was expecting me. It was so good to see him, but I was still so out of it. I kept asking him the same questions, and he'd look at me and be like, "You know you just asked me that, right?" And I honestly wouldn't remember. It was trippy!
At the surgical center, they took my vitals a few times, gave me some juice and water, made sure I could walk and pee, and then discharged me. I think I should've stayed longer, but I made myself get up and walk, even though I felt dizzy and light-headed. I just wanted to get home. Having been there for 6 hours already, I wanted to go home and lay on my comfortable couch and have Aaron take care of me, rather than all those strangers.
As for the results (drum roll please)...absolutely nothing wrong was found!!! I haven't talked to my doctor yet, but she told Aaron everything while I was still under. So, with no adhesions, endometriosis, cysts or anything else that could be causing problems, I'm absolutely dumbfounded! Don't get me wrong, I'm completely happy and grateful nothing wrong was found. Thank you, God! But with both of us being tested now, and both of us showing to be completely fine, and the two of us having proved that we are a fertile couple and able to conceive, what the heck is going on???
I can tell you what's going on...God is what's going on! There are many causes of infertility, both male and female factors, but if everything is fine and we are still unable to conceive, I truly believe God is withholding us from a baby right now. For what reason? I don't know. But God's absolutely perfect reason will show itself in due time. Amazingly, 30% of couples having trouble conceiving fall under this "unexplained infertility" category, so Aaron and I are not alone in this. I just wonder how common unexplained secondary infertility is, though. Probably not too common.
But, instead of questioning why things are the way they are, Aaron and I have to face reality head on and fight through this, allowing God to show us His larger than life purpose for our lives as parents.
What is our next step? Well, to tell you the truth, Aaron and I are still discussing it. I have my post-op appointment with Dr. Dekhordi on Thursday. She has already given me the contact information for the infertility clinic she refers patients to. There is an office in Modesto, but the main offices are in the bay area. Big gulp. Aaron and I are going to have a big decision to make within the next month or so, but we are going into this next step prayerfully and hopefully.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Good to Go
I had my pre-op today. Aaron and Ella came with me, which made it...well...a much LOUDER visit. But, it also made it more family-oriented. My operation isn't all about me...it's about my family and my future family. Aaron insisted on being there, and I'm glad he did. His presence helps me feel better in any situation. Plus, the doctor needed to walk him through everything, not just me. I'm going to be asleep and drugged up for most of the day, so Aaron's going to have to know what's going on. She said she will come find Aaron after the procedures are done to let him know the results. I hope he brings a notepad and pencil becomes once I wake up, I'm going to want to know VERBATIM what my doctor said. Haha! Well, he'll also need a notepad for "rubbing purposes." For those of you who know my husband, he loves (and I mean LOVES) rubbing books. Even if it's just a sheet of paper, you'll find his thumb flicking the corner of it. He'll need a phonebook to get him through Thursday with sanity.
So, as you all know, I'm scheduled to have the laparoscopy and hysteroscopy done, but what I didn't know is that my doctor will also be performing a D & C (dilation & curettage), in which the doctor is going to go spoon away my uterine lining (my endometrium) for testing purposes. Fun, right? Because I'm having the D & C done, my doctor informed me I won't be able to have sex for 2 weeks, due to the risk of infection. Ummmm...WHAT???? Did she really just say that? No, it's not because I'm a sex fiend and gotta have it (haha!), but because that means I won't be able to try to conceive this cycle. I'll be ovulating before those 2 weeks are up. I was devastated to hear that news, but I don't want to risk an infection thereby causing worse problems. Needless to say, my heart still sinks knowing I can't even try this cycle...not even once. Maybe I'll ovulate late.
Walking through the hospital, having my blood drawn, signing my life away in paperwork and speaking with my doctor today all made everything seem more real. I'm good to go! I'm ready! I'm MORE than ready! I'm ready to check this off my list and move onto the next step. What my next step will be depends on what the doctor finds, but whatever the next step is, it's one step closer to that positive home pregnancy test. Oh, I simply cannot wait for that day!
Thank you, God, for my Ella, who you have blessed with a natural glow, a beautiful shine and an amazing spirit. She outshines all the girls, not only in her ballet class, but in the entire world! There is no other little girl like my Ella Bella, and for that, I am the luckiest mom.
So, as you all know, I'm scheduled to have the laparoscopy and hysteroscopy done, but what I didn't know is that my doctor will also be performing a D & C (dilation & curettage), in which the doctor is going to go spoon away my uterine lining (my endometrium) for testing purposes. Fun, right? Because I'm having the D & C done, my doctor informed me I won't be able to have sex for 2 weeks, due to the risk of infection. Ummmm...WHAT???? Did she really just say that? No, it's not because I'm a sex fiend and gotta have it (haha!), but because that means I won't be able to try to conceive this cycle. I'll be ovulating before those 2 weeks are up. I was devastated to hear that news, but I don't want to risk an infection thereby causing worse problems. Needless to say, my heart still sinks knowing I can't even try this cycle...not even once. Maybe I'll ovulate late.
Walking through the hospital, having my blood drawn, signing my life away in paperwork and speaking with my doctor today all made everything seem more real. I'm good to go! I'm ready! I'm MORE than ready! I'm ready to check this off my list and move onto the next step. What my next step will be depends on what the doctor finds, but whatever the next step is, it's one step closer to that positive home pregnancy test. Oh, I simply cannot wait for that day!
Thank you, God, for my Ella, who you have blessed with a natural glow, a beautiful shine and an amazing spirit. She outshines all the girls, not only in her ballet class, but in the entire world! There is no other little girl like my Ella Bella, and for that, I am the luckiest mom.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
I Hope You Dance
Aaron graduated today with his Master's in Special Education! Hip, hip, hooray!!! His parents flew down for the momentous occasion and we got to enjoy a wonderful weekend visit with two of our favorite people. The laughs are unending, the conversations are natural and the love is mutually bonding. Saying goodbye was hard (so hard!), but that didn't take away from the excitement today brought. The echos of our screams must've been heard all the way to Oregon as we hooped and hollered for our proud graduate walking across the stage to receive his diploma. Janice's whistle is still ringing in my ears. Haha! What a proud (and relieved) wife I am. Relieved that this 2-1/2 year journey is now over (minus the Thesis he has to conclude this summer). Since October 2007 a lot of Aaron's free time has been spent doing school work. Ella and I are finally going to have our #1 man back! WOO HOO!!!
The guest speaker was amazing and at the end of her speech, she read some of the lyrics from, "I Hope You Dance," by Leeann Womack. My dad had dedicated this song to me my first year at U.C.S.D., while I was battling trying to find myself in the huge, crazy unknown world of college. Hearing the lyrics emotionally brought me back to the hard times I had in college, and how my dad, my mom and my family hoped that I would always dance...that I would not let life bring me down, but rather live it to the fullest, regardless of the difficulties and uncertainties it may bring. The lyrics definitely speak to the infertility battle I'm going through right now.
"I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance."
On other news, I'm going to have my laparoscopy and hysteroscopy surgeries done this coming Thursday. I will be put under for the procedures, but soon after waking up, my doctor will be able to tell me what she found (if anything) that may be causing my infertility. A part of me hopes they don't find anything, but then that doesn't help us determine why I'm not getting pregnant. A part of me hopes I wake up to the doctor saying she found some endometriosis, she removed it and that I should be good to go and able to conceive right away! And then, there's the part of me that is scared that something really bad might be found...something that cannot be fixed. I know I can't think like that, but sometimes that is where my mind takes me. However, if nothing wrong is found, then Aaron and I are still living in this dense fog of unanswered questions...well, one question in particular, "Why can we not get pregnant again???"
Also, this coming Thursday, my father-in-law starts his radiation treatment for what started out as prostate cancer, but has since spread to other area(s). Even though I can in no way relate to Dan and what he's going through (the idea of having cancer is inconceivable and I won't even begin to claim I can understand what he and Janice are going through), but what I do know is that we both are victims of our own bodies. We are powerless. We both don't know why "it" (being infertility or cancer) has happened to either of us, but it is what we both have to live through, boldly and with hope and faith. We both hope to take charge of our body and fight the battle and win, but in the meantime, we both just have to play the waiting game...taking each day, each month, as it comes with our heads held high, with tears buried within and with our family by our sides. The chemicals Dan takes, the fertility drugs I've taken, the countless visits to our doctors, the tears shared with family members, the sacrifices we've had to make in our lives have all united Dan and I at this stage in each of our lives, and I can only pray that we both come out happy, healthy, cancer-free and pregnant (well, not Dan on that last one!). Through all of this, at least for me, I'm realizing that even though I am powerless to my infertility, God is in full control. With bad comes good and nothing in my life nor Dan's life are not planned or given to us without a purpose. Hard to always see that reason when in so much pain and so uncertain about the future, but it's there, and it is that reason, that divine purpose, that is helping me pull through this. Love you, Dan! You are always in my prayers.
The guest speaker was amazing and at the end of her speech, she read some of the lyrics from, "I Hope You Dance," by Leeann Womack. My dad had dedicated this song to me my first year at U.C.S.D., while I was battling trying to find myself in the huge, crazy unknown world of college. Hearing the lyrics emotionally brought me back to the hard times I had in college, and how my dad, my mom and my family hoped that I would always dance...that I would not let life bring me down, but rather live it to the fullest, regardless of the difficulties and uncertainties it may bring. The lyrics definitely speak to the infertility battle I'm going through right now.
"I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance."
On other news, I'm going to have my laparoscopy and hysteroscopy surgeries done this coming Thursday. I will be put under for the procedures, but soon after waking up, my doctor will be able to tell me what she found (if anything) that may be causing my infertility. A part of me hopes they don't find anything, but then that doesn't help us determine why I'm not getting pregnant. A part of me hopes I wake up to the doctor saying she found some endometriosis, she removed it and that I should be good to go and able to conceive right away! And then, there's the part of me that is scared that something really bad might be found...something that cannot be fixed. I know I can't think like that, but sometimes that is where my mind takes me. However, if nothing wrong is found, then Aaron and I are still living in this dense fog of unanswered questions...well, one question in particular, "Why can we not get pregnant again???"
Also, this coming Thursday, my father-in-law starts his radiation treatment for what started out as prostate cancer, but has since spread to other area(s). Even though I can in no way relate to Dan and what he's going through (the idea of having cancer is inconceivable and I won't even begin to claim I can understand what he and Janice are going through), but what I do know is that we both are victims of our own bodies. We are powerless. We both don't know why "it" (being infertility or cancer) has happened to either of us, but it is what we both have to live through, boldly and with hope and faith. We both hope to take charge of our body and fight the battle and win, but in the meantime, we both just have to play the waiting game...taking each day, each month, as it comes with our heads held high, with tears buried within and with our family by our sides. The chemicals Dan takes, the fertility drugs I've taken, the countless visits to our doctors, the tears shared with family members, the sacrifices we've had to make in our lives have all united Dan and I at this stage in each of our lives, and I can only pray that we both come out happy, healthy, cancer-free and pregnant (well, not Dan on that last one!). Through all of this, at least for me, I'm realizing that even though I am powerless to my infertility, God is in full control. With bad comes good and nothing in my life nor Dan's life are not planned or given to us without a purpose. Hard to always see that reason when in so much pain and so uncertain about the future, but it's there, and it is that reason, that divine purpose, that is helping me pull through this. Love you, Dan! You are always in my prayers.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
This Too Shall Pass
"This too shall pass." Words my mom tells me all the time. Although hard to comprehend how or when things will get better, all difficult times come to an end. There is always "light at the end of the tunnel" or "hope for a better tomorrow" or [insert any other expression you can think of related to getting through tough times]. And even though hearing those expressions and knowing the words spoken are true, it doesn't make those hard moments any easier. It doesn't take away the pain from the present. It doesn't take away the pain of a failed IUI.
Yes, you heard right. The IUI did not work for me and you can't imagine the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach I'm feeling. The completely overwhelm of hopelessness, despair and abandonment. I want to throw in the towel and just yell at the world! I want to curl up in a ball on the couch and never, ever get up. I want to cry without humility, allowing the held back tears to fall down my face. I want to talk with God face-to-face and ask him, "Why? Why are you doing this?" I want to hug Ella tighter and embrace each moment with her, holding onto whatever "babyness" I can still find in her, somehow thinking that if I still have a baby, I won't want one as bad.
The truth is...Ella is not a baby anymore. She is blossoming into a beautiful little girl, each day reminding me of her growth and maturity.
The truth is...I can't look to God for answers in black and white. I can only pray for understanding.
The truth is...I do cry, all the time. Sometimes, in my office at work, hoping that I won't need to take a call or help a client. Sometimes, in the shower...actually, a lot in the shower. Sometimes, on the phone with Aaron. Sometimes, in the car when a certain song plays on K-LOVE. Sometimes, when I'm out running errands or at an appointment of some sort and somebody asks, "Is she your only one?"
The truth is...I do allow myself to let my depression get the best of me. Aaron can always tell right before I'm about to start my period...the chores around the house don't get done. The dishes pile up, the loads of laundry don't get folded, Ella's toys don't get picked up. Does he get mad? No, because he knows. He simply kisses my forehead and does what I didn't get around to finishing.
The truth is...I don't yell, but I do feel like screaming at anybody and everybody. I keep my composure and usually when I'm upset and this sad, words don't exit my mouth. I'm quiet...very quiet. There's not much to say, let alone yell. Just as a lot of you don't know what to say to me to make me feel better, I also don't know what to say to describe how I'm feeling. This blog is my only avenue of communicating my true feelings, well, unless you're Aaron, then you hear and know everything.
The truth is...I want to throw in the towel...so bad!!! So often I tell Aaron that I want to give up, but I know that's not in me. There's no way I can allow for a month to pass where Aaron and I don't try and conceive. Even though not getting pregnant time and time again has left me so weak and so sad, God will always give me enough strength and hope to tell myself, "There's always next month."
So, with the failure of the IUI, my doctor, Aaron and I have decided its best to have a laparoscopy performed. If you aren't familiar with what it is, google it! Basically, my doctor will insert a tube-like camera through my navel into my abdominal cavity and uterus. Before doing so, she will blow me up like a balloon with CO2, lifting my abdomen so that she can get a better look at my internal organs. What the doctor will look for are signs of endometriosis, my c-section scar, cysts and any other lesions that may be causing my infertility. If she finds anything, she'll remove it for a biopsy.
I have my pre-op appointment tomorrow. I wish I was seeing my doctor tomorrow to find out I'm pregnant, but I guess that will just have to wait for another time.
Yes, you heard right. The IUI did not work for me and you can't imagine the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach I'm feeling. The completely overwhelm of hopelessness, despair and abandonment. I want to throw in the towel and just yell at the world! I want to curl up in a ball on the couch and never, ever get up. I want to cry without humility, allowing the held back tears to fall down my face. I want to talk with God face-to-face and ask him, "Why? Why are you doing this?" I want to hug Ella tighter and embrace each moment with her, holding onto whatever "babyness" I can still find in her, somehow thinking that if I still have a baby, I won't want one as bad.
The truth is...Ella is not a baby anymore. She is blossoming into a beautiful little girl, each day reminding me of her growth and maturity.
The truth is...I can't look to God for answers in black and white. I can only pray for understanding.
The truth is...I do cry, all the time. Sometimes, in my office at work, hoping that I won't need to take a call or help a client. Sometimes, in the shower...actually, a lot in the shower. Sometimes, on the phone with Aaron. Sometimes, in the car when a certain song plays on K-LOVE. Sometimes, when I'm out running errands or at an appointment of some sort and somebody asks, "Is she your only one?"
The truth is...I do allow myself to let my depression get the best of me. Aaron can always tell right before I'm about to start my period...the chores around the house don't get done. The dishes pile up, the loads of laundry don't get folded, Ella's toys don't get picked up. Does he get mad? No, because he knows. He simply kisses my forehead and does what I didn't get around to finishing.
The truth is...I don't yell, but I do feel like screaming at anybody and everybody. I keep my composure and usually when I'm upset and this sad, words don't exit my mouth. I'm quiet...very quiet. There's not much to say, let alone yell. Just as a lot of you don't know what to say to me to make me feel better, I also don't know what to say to describe how I'm feeling. This blog is my only avenue of communicating my true feelings, well, unless you're Aaron, then you hear and know everything.
The truth is...I want to throw in the towel...so bad!!! So often I tell Aaron that I want to give up, but I know that's not in me. There's no way I can allow for a month to pass where Aaron and I don't try and conceive. Even though not getting pregnant time and time again has left me so weak and so sad, God will always give me enough strength and hope to tell myself, "There's always next month."
So, with the failure of the IUI, my doctor, Aaron and I have decided its best to have a laparoscopy performed. If you aren't familiar with what it is, google it! Basically, my doctor will insert a tube-like camera through my navel into my abdominal cavity and uterus. Before doing so, she will blow me up like a balloon with CO2, lifting my abdomen so that she can get a better look at my internal organs. What the doctor will look for are signs of endometriosis, my c-section scar, cysts and any other lesions that may be causing my infertility. If she finds anything, she'll remove it for a biopsy.
I have my pre-op appointment tomorrow. I wish I was seeing my doctor tomorrow to find out I'm pregnant, but I guess that will just have to wait for another time.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Keep On Keeping On
Well, I had another doctor's appointment today. The girls over at OB-GYN Associates of Turlock are really getting to know me.
This appointment was to go over my hysterosalpingogram and sonogram results. I had already received the results via phone, but I wanted to talk to my doctor in person, and to discuss my next step. Both results came back pretty good. My tubes are not clogged (huge relief!), but my doctor is concerned that I'm not ovulating enough each month or that I'm not ovulating at all each month. My sonogram was supposed to be scheduled around the time that I ovulated, but of course, I ovulated earlier last month (just my luck). The images showed that there was no fluid behind my uterus (for you boys reading this blog, sorry for all this "woman terminology"). What does that mean? Well, usually, a couple days after ovulation, there is fluid behind the uterus, and the fact that there was no fluid triggered my doctor to think I may not be ovulating. Oh joy...NOT!
So, my doctor gave me two options:
Option #1:
To have a laparoscopy done to determine if I have endometriosis. She is concerned I might have this condition based on pains I have. She said being on any form of birth control and being pregnant makes this condition dormant (due to the change in hormone levels), and because I was on the pill right before I got pregnant with Ella and then had the Mirena IUD right after I had Ella, she thinks it isn't until now that this condition is becoming "active." Fun, right?
Or...
Option #2:
Take Clomiphene (a.k.a. Clomid), again, to help induce ovulation. You may wonder why on earth I would take this drug again, especially since it didn't work the first time? My doctor thinks it is more likely that I'm not ovulating well than for me to have endometriosis. She also said with this round of Clomid, she would like me to have a sonogram performed exactly when I'm ovulating (make a same-day emergency appointment in order to do s0) to make sure that I am ovulating. If my sonogram shows that I'm ovulating just fine and a couple months pass with no pregnancy, she wants Aaron and I to consider an IUI (intra-uteruine insemination). I haven't thought that far in advance, but I pray it doesn't come to having to make the decision to go forward with that or not.
So, needless to say, I will be going back on Clomid (starting today, once the prescription is ready to pick up). I can honestly say I ABSOLUTELY cannot stand the way this drug makes me feel, though, so although I'm looking forward to this next step in my journey to conceive, I am NOT looking forward to becoming the emotional, irritable, crazy woman I once was (and yes, Aaron can vouch for this).
So, if my blogs start becoming angry, sad or depressing, that is why. Haha! Just kidding (but seriously).
I also want to take this opportunity to thank EVERYONE for the positive feedback and words of encouragement I have been receiving. Gosh, I can't tell you all how much it means to me. Starting this blog was going to serve as a necessary outlet for me to talk about my feelings and thoughts that are otherwise so hard to communicate, and I'm glad that you all have received my openness about such a private issue with such a positivity, encouragement and open-mindedness. You are all amazing people in my life and your comments mean more to me than you know. You are all a part in the support system I so drastically need. So...thank you! I'm smiling.
This appointment was to go over my hysterosalpingogram and sonogram results. I had already received the results via phone, but I wanted to talk to my doctor in person, and to discuss my next step. Both results came back pretty good. My tubes are not clogged (huge relief!), but my doctor is concerned that I'm not ovulating enough each month or that I'm not ovulating at all each month. My sonogram was supposed to be scheduled around the time that I ovulated, but of course, I ovulated earlier last month (just my luck). The images showed that there was no fluid behind my uterus (for you boys reading this blog, sorry for all this "woman terminology"). What does that mean? Well, usually, a couple days after ovulation, there is fluid behind the uterus, and the fact that there was no fluid triggered my doctor to think I may not be ovulating. Oh joy...NOT!
So, my doctor gave me two options:
Option #1:
To have a laparoscopy done to determine if I have endometriosis. She is concerned I might have this condition based on pains I have. She said being on any form of birth control and being pregnant makes this condition dormant (due to the change in hormone levels), and because I was on the pill right before I got pregnant with Ella and then had the Mirena IUD right after I had Ella, she thinks it isn't until now that this condition is becoming "active." Fun, right?
Or...
Option #2:
Take Clomiphene (a.k.a. Clomid), again, to help induce ovulation. You may wonder why on earth I would take this drug again, especially since it didn't work the first time? My doctor thinks it is more likely that I'm not ovulating well than for me to have endometriosis. She also said with this round of Clomid, she would like me to have a sonogram performed exactly when I'm ovulating (make a same-day emergency appointment in order to do s0) to make sure that I am ovulating. If my sonogram shows that I'm ovulating just fine and a couple months pass with no pregnancy, she wants Aaron and I to consider an IUI (intra-uteruine insemination). I haven't thought that far in advance, but I pray it doesn't come to having to make the decision to go forward with that or not.
So, needless to say, I will be going back on Clomid (starting today, once the prescription is ready to pick up). I can honestly say I ABSOLUTELY cannot stand the way this drug makes me feel, though, so although I'm looking forward to this next step in my journey to conceive, I am NOT looking forward to becoming the emotional, irritable, crazy woman I once was (and yes, Aaron can vouch for this).
So, if my blogs start becoming angry, sad or depressing, that is why. Haha! Just kidding (but seriously).
I also want to take this opportunity to thank EVERYONE for the positive feedback and words of encouragement I have been receiving. Gosh, I can't tell you all how much it means to me. Starting this blog was going to serve as a necessary outlet for me to talk about my feelings and thoughts that are otherwise so hard to communicate, and I'm glad that you all have received my openness about such a private issue with such a positivity, encouragement and open-mindedness. You are all amazing people in my life and your comments mean more to me than you know. You are all a part in the support system I so drastically need. So...thank you! I'm smiling.
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