This Too Shall Pass

"This too shall pass."  Words my mom tells me all the time.  Although hard to comprehend how or when things will get better, all difficult times come to an end.  There is always "light at the end of the tunnel" or "hope for a better tomorrow" or [insert any other expression you can think of related to getting through tough times].  And even though hearing those expressions and knowing the words spoken are true, it doesn't make those hard moments any easier.  It doesn't take away the pain from the present.  It doesn't take away the pain of a failed IUI.

Yes, you heard right.  The IUI did not work for me and you can't imagine the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach I'm feeling.  The completely overwhelm of hopelessness, despair and abandonment.  I want to throw in the towel and just yell at the world!  I want to curl up in a ball on the couch and never, ever get up.  I want to cry without humility, allowing the held back tears to fall down my face.  I want to talk with God face-to-face and ask him, "Why?  Why are you doing this?"  I want to hug Ella tighter and embrace each moment with her, holding onto whatever "babyness" I can still find in her, somehow thinking that if I still have a baby, I won't want one as bad.

The truth is...Ella is not a baby anymore.  She is blossoming into a beautiful little girl, each day reminding me of her growth and maturity.

The truth is...I can't look to God for answers in black and white.  I can only pray for understanding.

The truth is...I do cry, all the time.  Sometimes, in my office at work, hoping that I won't need to take a call or help a client.  Sometimes, in the shower...actually, a lot in the shower.  Sometimes, on the phone with Aaron.  Sometimes, in the car when a certain song plays on K-LOVE.  Sometimes, when I'm out running errands or at an appointment of some sort and somebody asks, "Is she your only one?"

The truth is...I do allow myself to let my depression get the best of me.  Aaron can always tell right before I'm about to start my period...the chores around the house don't get done.  The dishes pile up, the loads of laundry don't get folded, Ella's toys don't get picked up.  Does he get mad?  No, because he knows.  He simply kisses my forehead and does what I didn't get around to finishing.

The truth is...I don't yell, but I do feel like screaming at anybody and everybody.  I keep my composure and usually when I'm upset and this sad, words don't exit my mouth.  I'm quiet...very quiet.  There's not much to say, let alone yell.  Just as a lot of you don't know what to say to me to make me feel better, I also don't know what to say to describe how I'm feeling.  This blog is my only avenue of communicating my true feelings, well, unless you're Aaron, then you hear and know everything.

The truth is...I want to throw in the towel...so bad!!!  So often I tell Aaron that I want to give up, but I know that's not in me.  There's no way I can allow for a month to pass where Aaron and I don't try and conceive.  Even though not getting pregnant time and time again has left me so weak and so sad, God will always give me enough strength and hope to tell myself, "There's always next month."

So, with the failure of the IUI, my doctor, Aaron and I have decided its best to have a laparoscopy performed.  If you aren't familiar with what it is, google it!  Basically, my doctor will insert a tube-like camera through my navel into my abdominal cavity and uterus.  Before doing so, she will blow me up like a balloon with CO2, lifting my abdomen so that she can get a better look at my internal organs.  What the doctor will look for are signs of endometriosis, my c-section scar, cysts and any other lesions that may be causing my infertility.  If she finds anything, she'll remove it for a biopsy.

I have my pre-op appointment tomorrow.  I wish I was seeing my doctor tomorrow to find out I'm pregnant, but I guess that will just have to wait for another time.