Happy Belated Mother’s Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day.  A day where moms who have lost a child are reminded of what they don't have.  A day where moms who are experiencing their first year as a mother celebrate with their little one tightly held in their arms.  A day where moms with children far away get to feel their child's close embrace and words of love.

A day where I gratefully hold my Ella and listen to her love-filled, "Happy Mother's Day," but also a day where my mind is focused to my infertility.

Aaron, Ella and I went to church in the morning and the message was exactly what I needed to hear and feel, especially with it coming on Mother's Day.  It was about trading in my agenda for God's agenda, surrendering the life I have planned to the life God has planned for me.  After the message, the pastor encouraged each of us to write what we wish to surrender to God on a small card that and, if compelled, walk it up to the stage and place it on the step, place it before God.  While the beautiful singer and guitarist were performing, I wrote down, "My infertility," on the card, knowing that surrendering this journey to Him, surrendering each day, surrendering my body, to Him and His calling for my life is what I need to do.

Aaron, knowing that I wouldn't walk it up to the stage, looked at me with the card on my lap and asked if I wanted him to walk it up to the stage.  I stared back at him with tear-filled eyes and quietly whispered, "Yes."  At that moment, I felt something shift in my heart.  I felt release, calmness, peace.

The storm I am living through right now will soon pass, and I will see blue skies and sunlight.  Living through a storm usually isn't perceived as one of the more happy times in one's life.  But maybe living through a storm is not all bad?  Just like the stormy winter season is always followed by the season of growth and renewal, a season of warm sunshine and beautiful flowers, the "storm" in one's life helps surface things that would not otherwise surface, things that need to be exposed in order to become stronger.  And I am absolutely certain that my relationship with God would not be nearly as strong as it is now had I gotten pregnant right away.  And, in a way, not having a second child right now, but instead a stronger relationship with God, makes me feel that possibly I got the better end of the deal.  God knows what I need more than I do, and perhaps he knew that Him not giving me a second child, would only bring me closer to Him.  Maybe I need that more than I need a second child right now?

God always makes sure there is a silver lining to every cloud.  My storm cloud is very big and very dark, which only means that someday I will get to see the sun shining brightly behind the cloud, creating a beautiful silver lining...my baby.