I'm in a lot of pain right now...much more than I thought I would be. My shoulders and ribs hurt so bad from being blown up with carbon dioxide and from the anesthesia . My throat is wildly sore from the tube being forced down it. And every movement I make hurts my stomach area. I have two incision sites - one right near my belly button and the other, a longer cut, is located at my lower left abdomen (practically on top of my c-section scar). I was prescribed vicodin and ibuprofen, but neither seem to be helping much with the pain. I know I'd be in much worse pain with no pain meds, though. I'm just very grateful that I have a 3-day weekend to take it easy and allow my body to heal.
But let me tell you about yesterday. Firstly, I woke up and read my daily devotion, as I do most every morning, and the Bible verse the devotion reflected on was as follows:
"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." - John 8:32. Isn't that the most appropriate Bible verse for me to read yesterday?
Despite that Bible verse and devotion making me feel better, I was still very quiet and tense most of the morning. Aaron sensed it and waited for me to come to him in conversation and hugs. When we arrived at the hospital at 10:00 and checked in with the admit people, I almost immediately went into the surgical center where they prepped me for the O.R. Before that, though, they required I provide a urine sample for a pregnancy test. What a big slap in the face! I know it's standard procedure to ask all menstruating women going into surgery, but I just wanted to be like, "Uh, hello! I'm not pregnant, hence why I'm here!"
They tagged me with the typical hospital wristband with my name, date of birth, etc., but also with a huge red wristband saying "ALLERGY ALERT." I found out the hard way that I am allergic to Reglan, an IV medicine given to help nausea. That's another interesting story. Remind me to tell you sometime. I got decked up in the oh-so-flattering hospital gown, sat down in the surprisingly comfortable twin-sized hospital bed and waited and waited and waited to be wheeled away.
So, at about 11:40, the O.R. nurse came in and rolled me away without giving me a chance to get one last kiss from Aaron. Luckily, he was able to go with me into the next waiting area, where we were to have a brief consult with Dr. Dekhordi (my OB-GYN performing the surgeries), the anesthesiologist and another nurse. Soon after getting to this second waiting area, Aaron gave me a kiss. He said he didn't want them to whisk me away without getting a proper goodbye again. I thought that was very sweet and it made me tear up.
Some much-needed comic relief came from the old man next to us. We were separated from him only by a curtain, and he was also soon going in for surgery. During his consult with his doctor, the doctor asked if he had a wife or any family waiting in the waiting room for him. He said, "No, I'm looking for a wife, though," and then he mumbled something about how he's old and has no money and so he's having a hard time finding a lady. Aaron and I couldn't help but laugh. We couldn't have asked for a more perfect timing for a good laugh.
At 12:13 I entered the bright, sterile operating room. Looking around at all the machinery made me dizzy and overwhelmed, so I just kept my focus on my doctor's kind eyes. Once they got me all set up and attached to the machines (you know, the heart rate monitor and things like that), the anesthesiologist worked her magic. Last words I remember were, "Sweet dreams," from Dr. Dekhordi and "Go to Hawaii," from the nurse. I felt my mind go blank and my body slump into complete relaxation.
Next thing I knew, it was 2:15 and I was waking up in the anesthesia recovery room with two new nurses. They asked how I was feeling and all that good stuff. I laid in there for probably 10 minutes while they monitored me and made sure I was waking up okay. Then, one of them wheeled me back to the surgical center and on the way we picked up my very anxious husband waiting in the hallway.
Aaron had received two pages while I was gone. The first one was sent when the surgery was done, the second one was sent when I was leaving the recovery area, so he was expecting me. It was so good to see him, but I was still so out of it. I kept asking him the same questions, and he'd look at me and be like, "You know you just asked me that, right?" And I honestly wouldn't remember. It was trippy!
At the surgical center, they took my vitals a few times, gave me some juice and water, made sure I could walk and pee, and then discharged me. I think I should've stayed longer, but I made myself get up and walk, even though I felt dizzy and light-headed. I just wanted to get home. Having been there for 6 hours already, I wanted to go home and lay on my comfortable couch and have Aaron take care of me, rather than all those strangers.
As for the results (drum roll please)...absolutely nothing wrong was found!!! I haven't talked to my doctor yet, but she told Aaron everything while I was still under. So, with no adhesions, endometriosis, cysts or anything else that could be causing problems, I'm absolutely dumbfounded! Don't get me wrong, I'm completely happy and grateful nothing wrong was found. Thank you, God! But with both of us being tested now, and both of us showing to be completely fine, and the two of us having proved that we are a fertile couple and able to conceive, what the heck is going on???
I can tell you what's going on...God is what's going on! There are many causes of infertility, both male and female factors, but if everything is fine and we are still unable to conceive, I truly believe God is withholding us from a baby right now. For what reason? I don't know. But God's absolutely perfect reason will show itself in due time. Amazingly, 30% of couples having trouble conceiving fall under this "unexplained infertility" category, so Aaron and I are not alone in this. I just wonder how common unexplained secondary infertility is, though. Probably not too common.
But, instead of questioning why things are the way they are, Aaron and I have to face reality head on and fight through this, allowing God to show us His larger than life purpose for our lives as parents.
What is our next step? Well, to tell you the truth, Aaron and I are still discussing it. I have my post-op appointment with Dr. Dekhordi on Thursday. She has already given me the contact information for the infertility clinic she refers patients to. There is an office in Modesto, but the main offices are in the bay area. Big gulp. Aaron and I are going to have a big decision to make within the next month or so, but we are going into this next step prayerfully and hopefully.
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2 comments:
Bobbi was brave, quiet, and most of all, strong. Her wits surely overpower her ability to show emotion sometimes, and for me, it's like trying to read which way a tornado is going to turn...unpredictability in a sense. So I try and I try to keep my innate behaviors from surfacing, the ones that want to shake that woman, and say "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? HOW CAN I HELP? DON'T YOU WANT A HUG?". But I suppress those urges, for I have learned from the past that Bobbi keeps some things to herself and she figures some thoughts are better left "unspoken". Who am I to tell her that is wrong? These last 21 months have taught me one immutable universal truth about life, and that is this (I borrowed this from one of the greatest most influential movies I've ever seen, Shawshank Redemption):
Luck. It floats around. Has to land on somebody. Say a storm comes through. Some folks sit in their living rooms and enjoy the rain. The house next door gets torn out of the ground and smashed flat. It is our turn, that's all. We were, and still are, in the path of the tornado. We just had no idea the storm would go on as long as it has.
Bobbi & Aaron -
After 4 1/2 long years of struggling with infertility....I will always remember the exact day and moment I was told "having your own biological children just is not in the cards for you"- I felt breathless, heartbroken, confused. At that moment I felt as though I could not find God, much less hear him. Our hope became hopeless. I left my fertility doctors office pleading for a miracle, and felt my request was falling on deaf ears. They had just told me my dreams of becoming a mother and bearing my own children were cut off. My heart hurt so bad I could hardly breath. After taking those words in over the next couple days I realized God had not lost me, and I was not going to allow myself to loose him, even though at times I wanted to. One late evening I felt the tangible touch of the Spirit as Craig and I were crying together, huddled together underneath the bed sheets. I will never forget that night. It was only two days later (and 5 days after hearing the news from my doctor) that I took a home pregnancy test and by the grace of God it was positive. We prayed for our children and the lord has granted what we asked of him. It may have taken 4 1/2 years to get our prayer answered BUT our daughters ARE answered prayers, and we thank the lord for them every single day. God is so good. Let our story be your hope.
You see, life is so much more than just what your eyes are seeing. You will find your way if you keep believing. I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end... even when the sky is falling... and I've seen miracles just happen, TWO of them to be exact! Silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what hope, faith and prayer can do.
I have never shared my thoughts or my story like this, I do hope you can find some strength in my words.
Praying for you always,
Sarah
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