It Is What It Is

The two weeks following ovulation are progressively getting longer and longer.  I dwell on the symptoms I feel...gaining all the hope in the world and then losing it all within seconds.  I interpret the things I feel, and my moods fluctuate like the ocean's tide.  Cramps, to me, always mean an impending period.  All cramps that I've felt during the two-week wait have inevitably led to my period, so why should I think otherwise?  I've done research upon research and have probably read every post on every fertility / trying to conceive / pregnancy related website known to woman-kind.  Goodness, there's a lot to read, and rather than preoccupying my time with something that can take my mind OFF of what I'm feeling, I preoccupy my mind with the mindless babble of women, like me, trying to make sense of every symptom their bodies are experiencing.  I read medical journals, as well, deliberating on the causes of secondary infertility, infertility treatment statistics, the list goes on and on.  What I read has not once left me fulfilled or happy, so why do I go back to it?  I guess I hope to come across one website, one post, one article that helps boost my confidence that this is my month.

Not even Aaron can relate to me.  He supports me, but when I'm emotional, borderline psychotic, he tells me, "I can't bring you up and I'm not going to let you bring me down."  Well, honey...reality check!  I know you can't stand being around me like this, but do you think I can stand being around me, too?  That's a big NO!  I can't stand being irrational, unapproachable, unpredictable and unacceptable...but I am.  I'm sorry.  I blame the drug, and I think a majority of it is Clomid, but I think a significant part of it is me losing hope.  I'm so done with feeling this way.  So done!

God, hear my prayers.

I came across this beautiful passage that lifted my spirits almost immediately.  It says,

"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known."

There is so much truth to those words.  Both the trials and tribulations in one's life are carefully planned by our Creator.  It's easy to question God when things aren't going so well, but maybe this trial is special.  Maybe he really has singled me out for special treatment.  And I know...I KNOW...that with my infertility has come an incredible excitement for having another child, an excitement that would've not grown to this level or intensity had I gotten pregnant right away.  The first glimpse of him or her will be so magical and so perfect that at that very moment, all of these difficult times will have washed away and be forgotten.  This trial placed before me is molding me, shaping me into the woman God has always intended me to be.  I feel in my heart of hearts that I AM becoming a better wife, a better mom and a better woman from my infertility.  The daily emotions I go through are but a grain of sand in the bigger picture of my life.

The Bible passage, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb" (Psalm 139:13), speaks to me.  It reminds me that not only are Ella and my future children carefully created in His image, but I am also.  What I am going through has been a part of God's plan for my life since I was first created in my mother's womb.  I have to remain faithful that in due time, God will be delicately putting together another miracle in my womb, a true celebration those 9 months will be!

I'm 5 days past my IUI and I have 9 more to go.  I am going to refrain from doing any more research, trying to decipher what my body is telling me because...it is what it is.  I'm either pregnant or I'm not, and me dwelling on it won't change that.