Remembering Christmas Eve 2010

December 24, 2010 left me with a broken heart. The tears that came after I received the news that our IVF cycle was unsuccessful were the most painful I cried. Ever.

I had never felt so much darkness.

A part of me crumbled that day, and admittedly, I don't think I will ever fully heal.

Words will never be able to fully describe the fall I experienced that day. I try to put words to the emotions I felt, and still feel, but nothing seems to give enough justice.

And, even though so much happiness was brought into my life when I became pregnant with Tristan, our failed IVF still haunts me, and I didn't realize exactly how much until this morning.

I cried this morning. A lot.

The tears started out as sad tears as I remembered the whirlwind of emotions we went through on this very day last year. The complete devastation leaving us collapsed in defeat.

But, then I looked down at my sleeping baby boy in my arms, and my tears shifted to happy tears of thankfulness. My gosh, I am so thankful that the second go-around with our FET brought us Tristan, who is proving to be the perfect little man for our family. He is exactly what all three of us have prayed so long for.

My observant and empathetic daughter quickly noticed the tears streaming down my cheeks this morning.

"Mommy, why are you crying?"

I explained to her why. (We have been very honest with her about our journey to having a baby).

And, her response was one beyond her short five years of life. She said, verbatim (I quickly wrote it down so I wouldn't forget), "We choose to have a baby, but God decides when. We choose the name, but God says when it's okay to have the baby."

Wow.

I have the smartest, sweetest, most caring little girl, who is going to be the most amazing role model for her baby brother.

Christmas Eve 2010 will always be a day I look back on with sadness. That day will forever carry unimaginable grief, irreparable darkness and crushed defeat, culminating all the time and tears invested in conceiving a second child.

But!

Christmas Day 2011 is going to be a day I will look back on with so much clarity and happiness. I have longed for the Christmas morning I can wake up to with another member of this family, and I simply cannot wait to celebrate our first Christmas as a family of four. It's going to be such a joyful day!

God has brought light into my life where there was once darkness. Tristan is that light. He is my little beacon of hope.

Just as 2011 years ago, the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ, brought so much joy, peace and hope to this world, this year I get to not only celebrate Jesus' birthday, but that of my own son, who has brought so much joy, peace and hope into my world.