So many times I get consumed with things I could have, rather than looking at what I do have. I could have a second child, but me not having a second child in no way takes away from the gorgeous daughter that I do have. I could have purchased our house after the market crash (and not have lost so much equity), but that doesn't take away from the fact that I am still a proud homeowner. Aaron and I could make more money, but I need to remember that we both have stable jobs that pay all our bills with a cushion.
I think it is just human nature to want more and dream bigger. A money-driven, flaunt-what-you-got society engrains that in us. But really, why should it matter what car we drive, so long as it safely gets us from here to there? Why does it matter the brand of our clothes so long as they keep us warm? And why should it matter how much money we make? The more one makes, the more likely money will be spent on unnecessary things, losing the true value of the dollar.
For me, I'm not too consumed with clothes, cars or money, but instead my mind has been focused on trying to conceive baby #2. When running errands, going to the gym or shopping at the store, and I see a pregnant woman, I have to admit, my heart sinks a little. When I hear of friends getting pregnant, my initial reaction is selfish. My inner voice cries out, "Why not me??? When will it be my time?" But, I put on a brave face of, "Congratulations," and "I'm so happy for you," when really I just want to go burry my head in a pillow and cry.
But, God is changing my attitude and heart, and my HOPE is that God will continue working overtime on my heart so that someday, I will accept His plan for my life, without hesitation, whether it includes more kids or not. Now, when I see a pregnant woman, although still difficult for me, I look down to see my angel holding tightly onto my finger, with a smile on her face. What other people have in no way takes away from what I have. If a friend of mine is pregnant, that in no way takes away from the fact that I am a mom to my Ella Bella, a girl who loves me unconditionally.
My heart still needs a lot of work and I'm trying to wholeheartedly accept the way things are happening. It is so wrong of me, as a mom, to consume my mind of a child that has not come when I have a child sitting there right in front of me. How dare I belittle Ella? How dare I not be completely grateful for Ella? How can I not be 100% happy as a mom to my beautiful 3-year old? I'm guilty, though, and I refuse to continue with this mindset.
2 comments:
Beautiful. You are a strong woman with a BIG heart! Ella is so blessed to have you for a mom! You get the "Best Mom Ever" Award from me :)
What a brave, open post. You are right, we are so lucky to have what we have but it is hard to admit it when you still feel like it is not enough. Although I am not going through all the same struggles as you , I struggle with many of the same things. We complain...but we are very lucky.
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