This is your life, are you who you want to be?

Occasionally I take a glimpse at my life and meditate on if I am where I'm supposed to be.  Have I become who I want to be? Everyone has to make sacrifices in order to maintain a livelihood (pay the bills, support the family, provide for oneself), but at what point do you say, "Enough is enough!"?  Life should not have to be sacrificial, meaning, decisions in life shouldn't only be based on if they can provide food on the table, but if they can provide HAPPINESS.  I never want to sacrifice happiness for anything, including financial stability, but it seems in order to be happy, I have to have a stable income.

Oh gosh, am I talking in circles here?  I'm sorry if I am.  I kinda feel like I'm going in circles everyday these days.  Up and down, left and right - pulled in every direction.  I'm constantly moving forward, but going nowhere at the same time.  Most of these feelings result from not being pregnant, but as of the past few months, I'm started to struggle with if I'm at the right job.  Not necessarily the right career, because I've always had a passion for law, but sometimes I find that I'm losing the zest at my current job.  When spending 30 hours of my life each week doing something, I want it to be something that isn't only so I can make our mortgage payment, I want it to be something that I look forward to each day, as funny as that may sound (since who, really, looks forward to working?).

I also sometimes wonder if we are living where we are supposed to be.  After we got married, we moved up to the Portland area (where Aaron is originally from), but 6 months after Ella was born, we moved down to Turlock where I grew up.  And even though Turlock isn't a bad place, Aaron and I can't help but feel a tug in our hearts leading us to a different location.  The Central Valley isn't a place where we want to raise our children - the crime rate, the unemployment rate, taxes, etc. are all higher here, so why would we want to stick around?  But, because we are indebted to our home until the housing market changes, we are to remain here.  We accept the way things are - it is out of our control, so why dwell on something that we cannot change (this can also apply towards our infertility).  But, after having our best friends visit from Oregon this past week, it just reaffirmed how much we want to be up there with our loved ones, both friends and family.  Our time will come, though.  God always provides!

A Bible verse that touches on all this is, "We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance." (Romans 5:3, NLT).  There is no trial that God doesn't place in our lives without purpose or necessity.  Maybe I needed to move down here because otherwise I would've always questioned if Portland is where I wanted to be?  Maybe my job is an interim to my dream job, and in the meantime, it is used to teach me, guide me and use me so that I become a smarter, stronger candidate for something in the future?  Maybe me not getting pregnant is something God is using to bring me closer to Him, to lean on Him, listen to Him and live faithfully despite my pain?  God's provision is not something to doubt.

So, with all that said and after listening to the song by Swtichfoot, "This is Your Life" (the inspiration for this blog), I am left feeling an urge to become better.  To be a better mom to Ella, to be a better wife to Aaron, to be a better paralegal, to be a better homeowner.  I need to take pride in the roles I am entrusted, instead of questioning why I'm not a mom to more than one child or why I'm not working at a different office or living in a different state.  I need to loosen my controlling grip and allow God to demonstrate his calm, serene control on every aspect of my life.  My infertility is no less something I can control than the housing market, so why do I feel like I can control it?  I shall rest assured that everything I have and don't have is not of my choosing, but God's, and that concept alone can bring peace to anybody, right?  It's just so funny how people (including myself) want to change things for the "better," but who is to say that what is currently happening in one's life isn't exactly what needs to happen?  Each day serves it's purpose, regardless of if that day brings tears, defeat, joy or anger.  The "If I had _______ [fill in the blank], I'd be much happier" mentality is hard to conquer, but it is something I'm trying to free myself of.  If only it was that easy.  Needless to say, I'm working on it!