Aaron and I have been committing a lot of time to our yards lately. This Spring weather keeps my family and I outdoors literally all day long, and Aaron is very excited because, after 3 years of living at this house, he is FINALLY getting around to sprucing up our yards. He's been very patient with allowing me to get things done INSIDE our house, and now he's eager to get going on the yards. I think gardening is very therapeutic and calming for him, something to help him unwind after a long day at work.
I don't really consider myself much of a "gardener." I could do without getting dirt under my nails, raking leaves and pulling weeds, but being outdoors all day has been very therapeutic for me as well. Breathing in the fresh air, feeling the cool breeze and warm sunshine all help keep my mind on the present - being intentional in breathing each breath fully and with purpose, being intentional in how I spend my time with Ella, being intentional in respecting Aaron and making my relationship with him a priority. Sluggishly getting through the day, rather than treating the day as the gift that it really is, is not something I will personally allow myself to do. That is not something I want to demonstrate to Ella. Ella looks to me to show her the beauty of this life and all the possibilities, and I refuse to lazily take on such a task.
Even so, being happy, the true, I-can't-stop-smiling, all-consuming happy, is something I haven't wholeheartedly felt for awhile now. Not to say that I'm not happy, because I am. I have a lot to be happy about, but there is still that void...that huge infertile void. But, with Spring in the air, I am feeling much better! This season is all about beauty, growth and renewal, and I hope that my faith in God and His plan for my life will reflect such characteristics. Spring is also the season of birth, so along those lines, I hope and pray that God will bless us with a pregnancy.
But until God does bless us with a second pregnancy, I will continue to consciously make an effort to change my attitude. As Scott Hamilton said, "The worst disability in life is a bad attitude." There are things in life that cannot be controlled (getting pregnant!), but the attitude to which I get through these unprecedented difficult times is so important. If I have a negative attitude about it, my body (stress, anxiety, etc.), my relationships and my family suffer. But, if I keep myself in check, if I intentionally change my attitude and how I live each day, then all elements of my life should fall into place as they should.
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