Dear God, I’m Listening

After a wonderful weekend at my parents' cabin, I feel more relaxed and more at peace.  Aaron, Ella and I greatly needed some time away from reality.  Children are a reflection of their parents.  The parents' goals, choices, lifestyles, personalities and feelings all pass onto their children, either purposely or accidentally.  The most important lessons a child learns are CAUGHT, not TAUGHT. I believe Ella senses our moods, and even though we try our hardest to hide our worries and stresses from her, she can't help but sense things.  She's a very empathetic little girl.

A part of that stress is Aaron's job.  Pink slips are being handed out, and we're not sure whether or not he's going to be asked to come back next year.  Because he's teaching under an internship, his superiors have until May 1st to decide.  Until then, we are hoping and praying he's asked back!  As you all know, there aren't that many other jobs right now, and because there are so many cuts, there will be a ton of teachers fighting for the few positions that are available.  I have such confidence in Aaron, though.  He succeeds in everything he puts his mind to.  He has devoted a lot of time and energy to this class and I know his superiors will see it!  They better, or they'll have an angry wife to deal with!  An angry wife on Clomid, at that!  Watch out world!

Another stress is deciding whether or not to have an IUI done this cycle.  Aaron has left the decision up to me.  We listen to each other, say what we need to say, but in the end, he knows that it will be my choice and he says he will be 100% supportive of my decision regardless of the direction my heart takes me.   This reminds me...while driving up to the cabin, we were listening to an oldies station (yes, reception was bad!), and the song, "Listen to Your Heart" by Roxette came on.  The chorus goes:

"Listen to your heart
when [H]e's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell [H]im goodbye."

While listening to the song, Aaron and I were holding hands and he turned to me and said, "I'm dedicating this song to you."  I looked at him confused, "But I'm not telling you goodbye, hun!"  His response, "Him as in God."  He knows my faith is struggling with this infertility, but Aaron, in the sweetest possible way, reminded me to keep my faith strong and to not allow myself to forget about God in all of this.  I love you, babe!

As you can well guess, I've been doing a lot of praying and thinking this past week and it'll go on into next week (when I ovulate).  Even though I trust God and His perfect timing, do I continue waiting for Him to bless me with a second child?  Or, do I put some trust in my doctor, too?  Medicine is used to do wondrous things.  Doctors are able to perform procedures, such as the IUI.  I'm struggling with what God wants us to do.  There is no known "problem" with either Aaron or me, and we were able to conceive Ella just fine, so a part of me wants to just wait.  But, the other part of me knows how long I've waited and it's time to be proactive and do what needs to be done!

God, I'm listening!