Homebody to the Core

We are all different. We are all molded so meticulously by our Maker that we have no right to wish a part of us different. However, I'm so guilty of this, it's not even funny! And even though it's so easy to want different physical aspects (smaller waist, longer hair, clearer skin, you know the list), I have lately been wishing my inner-being was different. My anxiety gets the best of me more often than I care to admit, and it is this anxiety that stops me from accomplishing more, doing more, living more.

I told Aaron this morning that I was jealous of him. He looked at me, confused, and told me that he never wants to hear that from me again. But I am! I'm jealous of him! His outgoing personality, his social life and his ability to go out and do things without reservation are all things I'm jealous of. I wish I was able to go with the flow and live life in the manner Aaron does, but that is not how I was put together. That is not God's blueprint for me.

I'm a homebody, in every sense of the word. The definition of homebody is, "One whose interests center around home." I used to get down on myself for being such a homebody...thinking that maybe my social anxiety stops me from going out and doing more, but after reading that definition, I feel good about titling myself as a homebody. Yes, all of my interests center around home. More specifically, all of my interests center around my FAMILY. I love providing for my family, spending all my energy on them and making myself 100% available to maintaining the household and loving the ones who mean the most to me.

And maybe that is why I'm struggling so much with my infertility. Of course, naturally, any couple going through infertility has a hard time. It's the most unexpected, unpleasant, unreal experience to live through. But because of the person that I am, my innate being, I feel I may be struggling more than most in the same situation. God instilled in me a deep desire to be a mom. My role as Ella's mom is my highest honor. I give every ounce of myself to being there for her, and I still have way more love to give!

But, I have faith that God did meticulously create me into being the reserved homebody that I am and that He has the perfect plan for my family. With time and hope, God will continue to reveal his purpose for my life.