I Held A 2-Day Old Baby Today

Our neighbors had their third child this past Saturday (they have a 4-year old and 2-year old already).  A beautiful 7 lb. 14 oz. girl, Claire Nicole.  Holding her, feeling her light touch, smelling the baby powder, hearing the faint coos and supporting her limp body were all so very magical for me.  A newborn baby has such a miraculous glow.  Claire has this beautiful glow.  The only other 2-day old baby I have held was Ella, so it was quite surreal.  I'm so happy for Kyle and Theresa.

Our neighbors are genuine people, the type of people you can rely on for anything and who see the good in people.  They are amazing parents and both have a deep love for God.  They deserve all the good in the world that comes their way, but still, hearing about their pregnancy after only a few months of trying was hard news to swallow.  I bravely told Theresa how I felt, hoping that release would help me keep my feelings raw and real with her.  We grew closer, we opened up to one another, but then I started distancing myself.  Watching her stomach grow week by week was hard.  I withdrew myself from my friendship with her, a friendship that I know God wants to happen.  It's not a mere coincidence that they moved into the house next door only a few months after we moved into our house.  It's a God thing!  God put them in our lives for a reason.

However, sensing their happiness, witnessing their family grow, wishing I have what they have has caused me to keep to myself.  It's hard.  I feel this emptiness inside of me and a wall has formed.  This wall doesn't allow others to see the hurt I'm feeling.  This wall, in some way, protects me.  I deactivated my Facebook account for this reason.  Seeing my friends post pregnancy pictures, update their statuses about their pregnancies...it was just getting too hard.  It had become a daily reminder and focal point.  I realized that Facebook was doing me more harm than good.  So, I got rid of Facebook, and then I slowly stopped reaching out to friends who are pregnant.  I'm doing things that I think will help me, but I'm not so sure if it is.

In any case, I try to live each day as bravely and strongly as I can, facing the reality that friends and family members are pregnant, that more friends and family members will get pregnant before me still and that the next newborn baby I hold may not be my own.  These realities scare me and make me want to curl up in a ball and cry, but these are the realities that God has laid before me and these are the realities that God will walk me through.