"If It Was Going to Happen, It Would've Happened By Now"

I haven't been able to write about my infertility specialist's appointment until now. And really, I don't even know if I have fully wrapped my mind around things yet, but writing helps me. It helps me sort out my emotions and clear my mind.

I still feel numb. My heart is still sunken down in my stomach and my eyes are still red from crying more than I've ever cried before this weekend.

Aaron and I sought an infertility specialist to get some direction. We were going in circles, not knowing which way to go, and figured a professional's insight was our next step. I thought after going over our medical records/history and discussing the past couple years with Dr. Weckstein, he would just give us a couple pointers as to what we're doing wrong that we can do better, possibly some helpful tips that'll help us conceive, and shoo us out the door. I came with questions about if my weight is a factor, if drinking caffeine or alcohol is a factor, what vitamins we should be taking, how much exercise is too much. I thought a professional's opinion on those issues would be the golden ticket to board the conception train (yeah, I know that was lame!). But, his response was that we were doing everything fine. Okay, that doesn't help much, but still good to hear (I guess).

He said we fall under the "unexplained infertility" category. No, duh (bet you haven't heard that in a long time!). I asked how common unexplained secondary infertility is, and he said it's more common that one would think. So, because nothing is wrong with us, I thought the 25% chance of getting pregnant each month still applied to us. After all, we're healthy, everything's checked out with all the testing we've done, and we have conceived in the past! It's just taking (a lot) longer this time, but I really wasn't expecting what Dr. Weckstein told us next.

He told us that "statistics" show that out of all the 27-year old couples that have been trying to conceive for roughly two years, only 3% of them successfully conceive on their own. I held it together, but inside I was screaming, "WHAT?!?!?" He went on to say that if we choose to continue trying naturally for the next year, by the end of the year, we would have a 36% chance of getting pregnant. Now the numbness kicks in. My hands become cold. I look at Aaron next to me, trying to find some comfort in Dr. Weckstein's unfamiliar office. Dr. Weckstein flat out said, "If it was going to happen, it would've happened by now."

I said a quick prayer in my head, I took a deep breath, straightened my back, looked Dr. Weckstein in the eyes and allowed him to tell us our options.

Option #1:

• Keep trying to conceive naturally.
• Chance of success per cycle: 3%.
• Response: Okay...what else?

Option #2:

• The "Clomid Challenge," in which I would get back on Clomid and they would closely monitor my follicles and perform an IUI around ovulation.
• Chance of success per cycle: 10-15%.
• Response: Aaron and I do not want to put either of us through "Bobbi on Clomid" again! What else?

Option #3:

• Shot treatment followed by IUI.
• Chance of success per cycle: 15%.
• Response: The cost for the shots is between $4,000 and $6,000, and there is no way we are willing to pay that much for that little chance of success. Plus, the chance of triplets or more is the most frequent with this treatment because they cannot control how many eggs mature, drop and fertilize. We do not want to take that chance of being Aaron and Bobbi Plus Eight. Okay, what else?

Option #4:

• IVF.
• Chance of success per cycle (for us): 60%, if we transfer two embryos (with 30% chance of twins, 30% chance of one) and 52%, if we transfer one embryo.
• Response: We need to go home and digest all of this.

Further testing still needs to be done. I have to have blood drawn to test my FSH and estradiol levels. Aaron needs to have another, more extensive semen analysis done. Once our results come back, we will be told what IVF programs we qualify for and then the choice will be left to us.

Aaron and I spent a lot of time digesting this all in this weekend. We both have similar emotions. Anger, sadness, bewilderment, surrender, but most importantly, we feel revival. Revival in the sense that we now have the path laid out before us. We now know what needs to be done. It wasn't what we were thinking or would've ever imagined in our wildest dreams, but it is the path God has chosen for us.

We also spent a lot of time looking over our budget to see how on earth we could afford an additional $300-$400 (we're guessing) monthly payment. I'm due for a raise next month and Aaron has his new contracted salary starting this month, with an additional raise coming once he finishes his Master's degree in a few months. I've also cut out "extra" expenses, like TV (no more HD or DVR, just the basic 20 local channels) and texting (every little bit helps!). Other than that, we really couldn't cut much else, so we're hoping with those cuts and our raises, the extra monthly income will show to be enough. I know God will provide, but I don't want to blindly jump into  IVF treatment without first seeing if it's a financial reality or not. Aaron and I both promised each other to make this work, though, regardless of the sacrifices. We will make this work.

Well, now you have it! Aaron and I will be going through IVF treatment. Not sure when, not sure how, and until we know when and how, we will keep trying naturally, holding onto that 3% chance. Hey, God doesn't even need 3% to make miracles happen! But, that 3% chance is not enough for me to indefinitely hold onto, month after month. I am completely and utterly emotionally strained, and I will trade that off for a financial strain, if it means having a little baby in my arms someday soon, I'm okay with that. No matter the cost, this is the path laid before us and we choose to obediently follow. We choose IVF. We choose family.

P.S. Please be sensitive to our decision. :)