I already knew, but hearing it still hurts

Deep down I knew the truth, but actually hearing Dr. Weckstein say the words brought the truth to another level.

The truth hurts.

A lot.

He said Aaron and I have a slim to no chance of conceiving naturally on our own.

I mean, I already knew that. But, I hadn't actually heard the words...out loud. I thought it. I felt it to be true. But, I still wanted to hold onto that very small chance that we'd have another miracle baby.

He then went on to explain Aaron's sperm quality. His exact words were, "His sperm is really not good."

I'd rather have him be straightforward with me, than to sugarcoat the truth, but it still hurts to hear the truth.

So, I cried. A lot.

And without Aaron there, I felt like a sobbing fool sitting in Dr. Weckstein's office office, awkwardly trying to control my tears, but unable to do so. Dr. Weckstein just kept saying, "I know, Bobbi. I know."

Do you really know, Dr. Weckstein? You do hundreds of IVFs every year and, to you, I'm likely just another statistic either in your favor or not. Another notch on his belt.

Okay, who am I kidding? I know he cares. He wouldn't be in the infertility business if he didn't want to help couples conceive, who would not otherwise be able to. He has a big heart. His warm eyes show that he cares.

Okay, back to Aaron's sperm...

As you know, Aaron had an extensive, very detailed semen analysis (SA) done a few months ago as standard pre-IVF protocol. You know, cross everything off the checklist before spending thousands of dollars that could possibly be unnecessary.

Anyway, that SA showed an amazing count, borderline motility (movement) and 99% abnormal morphology.

The day of my egg retrieval was also the day of Aaron's "relieval" (get it???). Another SA was performed on this sample, too, and it showed a count of 175 million (holy cow!), a motility of 10% less than the previous sample (sigh) and, again, 99% morphology.

Dr. Weckstein said the fact that the morphology was still 99% with this SA shows just how bad Aaron's sperm is. Why, you might ask?

Apparently, during the first SA, a dye is put on the sperm as a means to determine a very accurate morphology examination. This second SA did not use that dye because that kills the sperm, but his morphology still showed 99% abnormality.

But, still...1% of 175 million is what? 1.75 MILLION!!! Aaron has 1.75 million GOOD sperm during any given day. And, as the saying goes...it only takes one.

The bad ruin it for the good, though, and the fact that his guys aren't moving like they are supposed to throws in a whole other factor altogether.

So, even though Dr. Weckstein believes we have no chance of conceiving on our own, we're still going to try.

In fact, I'm ovulating today. And, deep down, I don't know how to not try, even with an impossible outcome, because when you want something so bad, you're willing to attempt even the impossible.