Hope vs. Fear

I have an addictive personality. Aaron, being my psychologically-minded husband, has always pointed this out to me. When I like something, I like something A LOT! When I want something, I want something A LOT! When I don't like something, I don't like something A LOT! You get the picture.

Combining my addictive personality with my stubbornness makes it so that what I like/want/don't like becomes a bigger part of my life than necessary (or even healthy!).

As a result of this part of my personality, infertility has consumed me in a big way. I want a baby so bad that I eat, sleep and drink the idea of this baby. It didn't start out like this, though. I remember how fun and exciting it was when we first started trying to conceive our second child! My mind wasn't focused on if I was ovulating or not. It wasn't focused on anything related to getting pregnant, other than the excitement of when it'll happen. I was so convinced I was pregnant each month that I'd take home pregnancy tests, even before my period was due! I was so confident! I was so ready! But as the months turned into years, my mind shifted focus.

My readiness to have another baby turned into worry.

My addiction surfaced.

I became addicted to knowing everything I can know about infertility. What helps a couple conceive? What myths hold to be true? What are the statistics? What did "she" do to get pregnant? What if I try this? What if I eat this? What if I take these vitamins?

I searched for all those answers, but in October of last year, after over two years of focusing on me being the cause of infertility, we discovered Aaron's non-baby-making sperm is the problem and that we'd likely not conceive naturally again. Still breaks my heart (over and over again!) knowing this. :(

And, after receiving that news, my mind shifted. I forced to see the good in the situation, and although knowing the cause for our infertility is comforting, knowing the only answer to having a shot of getting pregnant is through spending thousands and thousands of dollars.

And so, my addiction ensues.

And I'm afraid this addiction will never stop until I have my baby. And that scares me because there's a chance (even though I'm afraid to admit it) that our family of three will remain a family of three.

I am constantly living in an emotional cycle of hope and fear. These two emotions are constantly battling inside me. Having hope definitely feels better and makes this journey so much easier, but fear always manages to creep into my mind.

When I have hope, my addiction subsides. Peace settles in where all the "what ifs?" once were. When I have fear, though, my addiction resurfaces. I research, I question, I doubt, I think (constantly). My thoughts consume me.

I need to stop thinking. I need to just be. I need to live an addiction-free life.