Today was hard. I think each month this day arrives, it progressively gets harder. And yes, you can imagine what "this day" means. Do I want to talk about it? No. Am I happy? Heck no. But will I be putting on a happy front? Yes.
Aaron, Ella and I are going to Portland this weekend for Aaron's brother's wedding. Whenever I'm around Aaron's family (now, my family), I'm happy. They all bring me so much joy, depth, happiness and love, but lately, I've been feeling like I have nothing to reciprocate with. The love I receive from others used to be something I can give right back. It's harder lately. It just goes to show that when you don't love yourself, loving others is a near impossible task. And even though I do love myself, I do not love my infertility. It makes me feel low, unworthy, incompetent and, above all else, not myself. My mom looks at me and knows I'm not myself and tiptoes around my moods. Aaron comes home from work and, even before saying anything, knows...he just knows. He knows my disappointment and heartache, forces a hug out of me and makes sure to look into my eyes and reassure me it'll be okay. But perhaps most importantly, he sees my determination and strength to being the best mom possible to Ella, despite my inner frustrations and letdowns.
This weekend, ideally, should be a fun weekend. Seeing family I don't see but a few times a year should be something I soak in with every bone in my body, every beat of my heart. And even though I do completely intend on doing so, there is still that void. A void that I wish would leave me completely, a void I wish I could control, but instead, it's a void that is negatively consuming me.
This blog is not meant for any one of you to feel sorry for me (even though your prayers and words of encouragement are so appreciated). It is simply my own way of personal therapy. And please don't think my infertility is on my mind "24-7-365-10-100" (that's for you, Dan, haha), so much of my life is happiness. How can I not be happy with Ella as my daughter and Aaron as my husband? And I am excited to share my daughter, my husband and myself with our loved ones this weekend. Family is so important when going through tough times, and even though words are sometimes not spoken about my infertility, just feeling the embrace of family's hugs and absorbing in the laughs and conversations helps. Family is so important, good times or bad, it is one of those constants, something that I can rely on.
Today brought sadness and disappointment, but there is always the hope of a better tomorrow. I know my time will come. God is good...all the time, God is good.
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3 comments:
We completely understand Bobbi. We love you, and are eager to share in the joy that filling that void will bring. But until then, we are here for you. It will be a wonderful weekend, and some day soon we will be rejoicing with you and your expanding family. We cant wait to see you all... one more day!
Love you.
~Holli
We thought you were wonderfully composed and at ease as Andy and Holli celebrated their wedding day. You express yourself so well in these blogs and show what love and faith you have in what you are trying to do. Keep it up...it will pay in the end more than you realize now. I really can't add to your spiritual quest because I fully believe you are on the right track. Your insight is excellent. Your faith is full. Just keep up the affirmation that God is in His place and He wants what is best for you and your family. You will fulfill that affirmation in time. He wants you exactly where you are right now.....for good reason, which He will reveal to you in the right time. We become so impatient waiting for answers that sometimes we miss the answer. I think your patience is exemplary. It is being rewarded every day...and I think you know that when you say you try to focus on Aaron and Ella with all you are capable of right now. Keep the focus off yourself if you can. God has you in focus and will not let you go. Keep up your faith. We're praying with you, to be strong and happy where you are . Something powerful is working in you which you will know in time. We love you for ALL you are and are becoming.
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