I've Got Growing Follies!

I had my first (of many) monitoring sonograms this morning. The drive wasn't too bad. I just put on K-Love and went into defense driving mode in the slow lane. Watch out world, there's a Subaru Tribeca on the freeway with a crazed, hormonal infertile woman behind the wheel! :)

For being the little dare devil driver during my college years in San Diego, I've turned into quite the wimp on freeways now.

So, needless to say, I felt tense the whole way there and back, and quite emotional at times. Whenever I hear "The Revelation Song" by Phillips, Craig & Dean, I seriously ball! And, of course, I heard that song both up and back. I'm such an emotional wreck. Oh, and if I simply begin to think about Aaron and Ella, I get emotional. Okay, here comes the tear-glazed eyes!

These darn medicines are really messing with me, but I guess that was to be expected.

Okay, back to what I initially wanted to write about before I started rambling. :)

I've got follicles! That's right! There are 14 little follies right there in plain sight (courtesy of the sonogram machine). They look like little black M&Ms. The nurse found 8 follicles on my right side, with a bunch in the back that she couldn't measure quite yet, and 6 on the left side. They ranged from 6mm to 11mm, with a majority being 8mm to 9mm.

Here is a picture to give you an idea of what I saw. My follicles were much smaller, but it might help those of you who have never been through IVF understand what's going on. :)

Courtesy of Google Images.

The nurse explained that my next sonogram will be able to reveal more, especially of the little guys hiding in the back. She predicted that my right side will be the winning side, with already having 2 more than my left side and with that huge hidden cluster.

I kept asking if what she sees is good, if the numbers are good, if the stimulation injections are doing what they are supposed to be doing, and she kept reassuring me that everything is normal and NORMAL IS GOOD. She said the size of my follicles are mid-range, just as I would want them to be.

I was then about to ask what most women experience at this stage, to see if they typically have more or less follicles, or if their follicles are bigger or smaller, but then I remembered the negative impact of comparison. So, I stopped myself from asking.

No good would come from me knowing about other women's experiences. If my results are better, my confidence would grow, which is not necessarily a good thing. And, if my results are worse, I'd feel discouraged. I am only going to focus on myself and on my little follies, one or two of which will release the egg(s) that will fertilize with Aaron's sperm and grow inside of me for 9 months! Amen!

Anyway, I received a call back from RSC. Based on my sonogram and blood results, Dr. Weckstein wants me to continue on the same dosage (150 IU of Follitim and 75 IU of Menopur). He likes the way my body is responding to the medication and doesn't see a need to adjust the dosage. That makes me so happy to hear! 

The estrodial level is still relatively low in my blood, which that combined with my small- to mid-sized follicles, means I don't have to go in for another monitoring sonogram until Saturday morning (which is good because I'll be missing a lot of work in the next two weeks). After this next sonogram, the nurse says I'll need to go in every other day at the minimum, and most likely everyday until the trigger shot!

Dr. Weckstein wants my follicles to be 16mm and bigger, with a majority being above 18mm. So, my little guys still have some growing to do (and boy, do I already feel the cramping, bloating and discomfort from the past few days' growths that I can't imagine what it'll be like once they are all full-sized!).

If all goes as planned, my egg retrieval is set for next Thursday, December 9th. :)

Perspective v. Comparison

Lately I've been feeling this strong urge to write about comparison and perspective in my life.

I have always had comparison issues.

Growing up, I compared myself to my sister. I would interpret my less social personality as a fault compared to my sister's over-the-top, fearless nature of participating in and excelling in everything.

In high school, I compared my grades with those of my classmates, always wanting to excel not necessarily for myself, but to prove to others and my parents how smart I could be.

In college, I compared my body to those of the tan, plastic Barbie bodies found only in San Diego.

As a married woman, I now compare my home to other married couple's homes. I compare my relationship with Aaron to the relationships other married couples share.

As a mom, I compare my little family to the growing families of other young married couples. I look at how "together" some moms have it or how lucky some are to have 2, 3 or even 4 children, when I feel I am far from perfect as Ella's mom, and I can't even conceive a second baby!

As a Christian, I compare my faith to other's. I feel my faith is so weak and easily turned away compared to the steadfast, sturdy, unfailing faith of others. I try to live a life pleasing to God, in ways that come so easily to others, but I seem to fail time and time again.

However, perspective is different than comparison.

When comparing, I focus on what I don't have. And I see what I do have in a negative, ungrateful light. I look at what other people have, instead of being indifferent to what others have and focusing on what I have right in front of me.

In my opinion, perspective is a view of something, without a comparative nature. Someone's perspective is his or her outlook on something, without regarding outside factors to determine that outlook. For example, a color can be blue, but when next to a darker blue, by comparison, that blue now becomes a lighter blue.

My perspective on my life, without any comparison, is really, really good. I have a wonderful life!

I have a husband who loves and adores me, who will fight for me, lead me and carry me through good and bad times.

I have the most precious daughter, who literally is my beating heart walking outside my body

I have a great job that provides me with the flexible hours and experience that I need.

I have my health.

I have wonderful family that value and appreciate me.

I am a proud homeowner of a beautiful home.

And, I have my faith, no matter how big or small, it is my faith. I have a relationship with God unique to me.

Because, you see, I am lacking nothing. God has blessed me immeasurably more than I could've ever imagined or ever deserved, but yet I still want more. What is wrong with me???

I have to stop looking resentfully at others because that means I'm falling into the all too familiar zone of comparing. I need to step out of this zone, take a deep breath, and maintain a strong perspective of my beautiful life.

Because, really, I have a beautiful life.

Not for the Faint of Heart

Tonight I started my stimulation injections. So, instead of one shot each night, I have three!

My Lupron has dropped to 5 IU, which hopefully will make me a little less neurotically emotional (no joke!) and will also hopefully help with the headaches! Tylenol, even Extra Strength Tylenol, does not help whatsoever. I'm looking forward to a day without a headache, but if daily headaches means a little peanut, then bring on the migraines!

Here's a picture of what I've been injecting myself with the past 10 days.

That little needle used for the Lupron isn't too bad, but it still manages to leave me bruised.

After the Lupron shot, Aaron prepped the 75 IU of Menopur. Menopur comes in powder form, so Aaron has to mix 75 IU of Menopur with 10 mL of Sodium Chlorine.

These are vials with the pre-mixed Menopur and Sodium Chlorine, five of each in each set.

Aaron drawing the 10 mL of Sodium Chlorine...

...and then mixing it with the 75 IU of Menopur.

That is one massive needle, which luckily is not the needle used to inject me with. That one is used to mix the Menopur with Sodium Chlorine.

This is needle used to inject me. During this injection, I was amazed with how much it stung as the medicine slowly entered my body...and I mean, slowly. It seemed to take forever! Luckily, Aaron did a bit of research and knew the Menopur injection would sting, so when I started squeezing his hand (not the one holding the needle!) due to the pain, he reassured me it was normal. What a relief! I likely would've freaked out a bit longer thinking something was wrong.

Next, we moved onto the Follistim injections. Using the Follistim Pen was so easy! 

All we had to do was stick the vial into the pen.

Turn the dial until it clicked to 150 IU.

And, WA LA! All ready! :)

And, last but not least, I have to start taking 81 mg of Aspirin every night as a blood thinner.

Sorry if the pictures of the needles left you feeling uneasy or queasy, but hey...it's my blog, and I thought it'd be nice to share with you all exactly what I go through every night. Definitely not a fun night time routine, but it's only temporary and I will get pregnant as a result! I have to keep telling myself that.

Our Week through PhotoBooth

Spending every waking minute with my little Nink will make me smile even when I'm a mess inside. Love love.

While decorating for Christmas, Ella put a stocking on her head. She said, "Look! A big sock for my head!"

Later, she decided to put on her favorite red swimsuit to match her red Santa hat.

Ella loves her latest toy - an old bean bag from my parents' cabin! She's constantly running and jumping into it.

Pretending to nap.

She then made the bean bag her castle and said the bow was her crown. Such a beautiful princess!

After shopping at the Gap Outlet, we came home with matching sweatshirts at a great deal ($29.00 down to $10, baby!).

Being a little cuddle bug in her bedroom while saying her bedtime prayers.

I Dream of Needles

Yesterday's baseline sonogram displayed exactly what needs to be happening at this point in my IVF cycle.

"Your woman parts are boring right now."

Yup, a direct quote from the quirky, dry humored ultrasound tech! :)

Confused, I asked if that was a good thing, and she explained that was a very good thing. The Lupron is doing exactly what it's supposed to be doing - suppressing my ovaries, which means 1) I'm injecting myself correctly (phew!) and 2) my body is responding to the drug just as it's supposed to.

After my sonogram, I went nextdoor to have my blood drawn for my E2 (or estradiol) blood test, which measures the amount of a estradiol hormone in my blood. At this point in my cycle, we want my results to be really low (below 71), and my results came back at 32. Woo hoo!!!

So, because everything is going as planned, my Lupron dosage is remaining the same and my stimulation injections are still set to begin on Saturday.

After my blood test, I had my first acupuncture session. It was an interesting experience and I can't really say it met my expectations (maybe they were a little too high?).

Firstly, the acupuncturist's office is really in San Jose. He has a small (and I mean, teeny tiny!) office at RSC in San Ramon, where he meets with infertile women, like myself, who want acupuncture treatment during their IVF cycles. So, when he asked me to lay down on a table in a room smaller than some people's walk-in closets, I was automatically turned off. The room also had a funky smell. Ew!

Secondly, the acupuncturist has the hardest Chinese accent to understand. He tried to explain things to me, but I could only make out every few words. I was so excited when I understood something, but then would feel so discouraged when he gave a full explanation of something and I didn't catch a single word! I could only say, "What?" so many times before frustrating him and embarrassing myself.

Thirdly, after the acupuncturist strategically placed about 20 needles in me (ranging from my ears and forehead to my hands and arms, then down to my legs and feet, with a few in my stomach too) all I could hear is Ella! No, not in my head! I literally heard her! My mom and Ella were in the waiting area, and the closet room I was laying in shared a wall where the two of them were sitting and not-so-quietly talking.

So, while laying there, meditating, praying, focusing on my breathing (and not on the needles!), all I can hear is Ella. Oh my sweet daughter! You are so loud! :)

In any case, it wasn't hearing Ella that turned me off from the whole experience. I guess I was hoping for some magical experience where I would walk away completely relaxed and uplifted. Maybe my expectations were too high? Maybe I'm not the type of person that will benefit from acupuncture? I don't know.

Anyway, I'm thinking I'll give it one more shot. Each session is costing me $60 (after insurance), though, so it's hard to knowingly drop another $60 when my first session was such a turn off, but I think I owe it to the acupuncturist and to myself to at least try it one more time.

Okay, that's my update for now!

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and allowed yourself time to reflect on all of life's blessings. One of my biggest blessings is coming home tomorrow! I can't wait to get a "big hug big kiss" (what Ella says) from my big man.