Unsaid, But Just the Same

With my father-in-law's cancer weighing heavily on my heart lately, it has come to my attention that perhaps I don't ever talk about my own mom or dad. This blog is a reflection of my inner thoughts, struggles, passions and loves, and how could I not dedicate a post to my parents?

My love for my parents is real, honest and true. It's the most special kind of love there is. And being a mom to a daughter myself, I have developed this deep respect for my parents. My love for Ella mirrors the love they must have for me. The unconditional, always supportive, never judgmental, I'll-do-everything-in-my-power-to-be-there-for-you kind of love. I can seriously make myself cry when I think about how much they love me and have done for me. (Okay, I'm crying now). Maybe my parents have been feeling a little unappreciated or unacknowledged, since I have been mentioning my in-laws so much in recent posts. If that's the case, I'm very sorry. That was never my intention.

I have two sets of parents now, and I love them all so much! But, the love I have for my in-laws in no way takes away from the love I have for my own parents. In fact, I think my parents should take great pride that I've grown into a person with such a huge heart. That is only a reflection of the parenting and love they instilled upon me.

"Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). I never want envy to form as a result from "sharing" my heart. Trust me, I've got a lot of love to give! :)

I love my parents so much, in fact, that when Ella was 6 months old, Aaron and I uprooted our little family from our townhouse in Beaverton, Oregon, to live in Turlock, California, where I grew up and where my parents live. I needed them to play a more active role in my life. I needed them to be more available to me, to be there for me as they had always proven to be. I will never regret moving down here because it gave me the opportunity to live near my parents during my adult life, where our relationship evolved from that of parent/child to friends.

As I've mentioned before in my post 30 Degrees or 30 Reasons to Move, Aaron and I are strongly considering moving back to Oregon. This strong consideration is becoming more real lately, especially due to Dan's cancer. However, this desire to move back to Oregon has nothing to do with my parents. In fact, even though the excitement of moving back to Oregon is empowering, moving away from my parents seriously breaks my heart. (I'm crying again! Goodness!).

It really does stink that no matter where we live, we will be apart from one set of parents, one set of Ella's grandparents. It's an awful feeling, but in no way is it "choosing" one over the other. It's simply choosing what we think is best for us and for Ella and our future family. We moved to Turlock thinking this place was going to serve that purpose. We had every intention of this being our indefinite home where our kids would grow up, just as I had. But after being here for 3-1/2 years, our impression of Turlock has changed and the clarity of moving back to Oregon has become clearer and stronger.

My parents are phenomenal people. They are selfless, helpful, funny, loud (they talk over each other and get louder and louder!), generous, opinionated (in a good way), strong-willed, and devoted Christians. I think perhaps I take for granted how great of parents I really do have, and I never want to come across that way. I know I'm lucky to have them, but I'd also like to think that they're lucky to have me too. :)

Love you, Mom and Dad! This post is dedicated to you guys. :)

The Least Hopeful Two-Week Wait

As you all know, Aaron and I met with an infertility specialist a few weeks ago (to read up on the visit, click HERE). I went into the appointment hopeful, determined and confident that this was the step that will bring us our baby. But during the consultation, Dr. Weckstein dropped our percentage of conceiving naturally from 25% to 3% per month, which consequently dropped my heart down into my stomach (where it still sits to this day).

Shortly after he gave me that statistic, he performed a quick ultrasound to check out the condition of my uterine lining and follicles (to which everything looked, once again, "textbook perfect"), and he pointed out that it looks like I would be ovulating in the next couple days. I already knew that (since I'm so in tuned to my body), but let me tell you...after hearing that low statistic really brought me to a dark place. Somehow finding the "desire", for lack of better words, to try and make a baby around that time was hard for me. But, needless to say, even if the doctor gave us a 0.3% chance of conceiving, we still would've tried.

I stand by the truth that God doesn't even need a medically diagnosed percentage to bless us with a child.

But today, I found that the 97% chance of not conceiving holds true to us for this cycle. I'm at least happy my period started at home and not while surrounded by a ton of family and friends. Being home gave me the few moments in privacy where I allowed myself to grieve, cry and pray. This was a short time of privacy, though, because deep down, I knew it was coming. Hopeful Janice (my mother-in-law) kept telling me, "No, it's not coming. You're pregnant! I just know it!" and I'd just smile back and tell her, "I know it's coming."

I'm heartbroken...but life goes on...

So, now that my period has arrived, Aaron and I can move forward with the pre-IVF blood work testing. It looks like we'll be having this done either Wednesday or Thursday. This is the last testing that needs to be done in order to determine what IVF programs we qualify for. We're still not sure when we will do the IVF, but most likely it'll be by the end of this year.

And even though it may sound like I'm seemingly accepting IVF being in our near future, I'm still in this sad state of disbelief. I wish it hadn't come to this. Oh, how I wish I could've conceived the way God intended for us to conceive. But, as everybody knows, life is unpredictable. Two years ago, I had no way of knowing this would've been the road I'd take to conceiving, just as two years ago, my father-in-law would've never thought he'd have metastatic bone cancer.

As I wrote on my in-laws' fridge white board before we left this morning, "I can do all things [including chemotherapy] through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13). I am praying so hard for Dan and Janice to find God as his chemotherapy treatment beings. My faith in God has grown so much through my infertility, and I truly believe that God is asking for my in-laws to seek Him through this painful journey they are walking through.

So, as Aaron and I continue through our infertility and move towards our next step of IVF, so too are Janice and Dan continuing through this awful battle with cancer and begin the next step of chemotherapy. We are all bonded through this, and the glue holding us all together is the love and respect we have for one another and God. I believe God is bringing us all closer to Him through our personal journeys, but also closer to each other. I've never felt close to my in-laws as I do today. Love you both so much!

Favorite Memories from this Weekend

I'm back! For all of my regular readers, you know it's not custom of me to drop off the face of the earth for four days! I just didn't have one free moment while visiting my in-laws in Oregon this past weekend. It was a jam-packed, fun-filled weekend!

As I said in Professional Flower Girl, Aaron, Ella and I headed up to the Portland area for Aaron's cousin's wedding. BEAUTIFUL wedding. BEAUTIFUL bride. BEAUTIFUL spirit and connection between the newly married couple. I feel so honored and blessed having been able to witness their wedding day. Congrats, Courtney and Travis! :)

There's so much to talk about. I feel overloaded with thoughts I want to express, stories I want to share, insight I have and everything in-between. But, I guess my first post back from the trip will be about my favorite memories I'm taking away from this trip. In no particular order, here they are!

• Watching Ella run to an open-armed Grandma and then hearing a lady behind me say, "Oh gosh, I just got goosebumps." I did too! It was a sight to see. The second Ella spotted her, she just ran full speed ahead to the hug Grandma had been waiting for for far too long.
• And then, when Grandpa came out of the restroom, Ella did the same to him and once he was holding her, she ever-so-sweetly said, "I love you." Melt my heart into pudding, why don't you! Ella's love for her grandparents is pure and true, and I'm so happy that the physical distance and lack of time with them hasn't put any sort of handicap on her loving and trusting them.
• Perfection exuded through every last detail at the wedding. I was truly amazed!
• The slow dance turn hip-hop dance skit performed by the bride and groom. They got the whole crowd from crying with sentimental joy to crying from laughter. That was the BEST! Ella kept whispering in my ear, "When is it my turn to dance?"
• The groom's brother's speech. I think it touched every person there.
• Aaron and Andy's (Aaron's brother) ridiculous fire building in their parents' small fire pit. Never give two boys (at heart) lighter fluid and a fire pit, big or small, and tell them to build a fire. They'll build a fire alright, and make it a competition to see how high they can make the flames!
• Playing H-O-R-S-E with Aaron and Andy. I was out at an embarrassing speed, but watching the guys play just made me laugh. Aaron would always do muscle shots and Andy would always attempt shots that only a 6'9 beast with a crazy ability to spin the basketball could make.
• Dan calling Aaron and Andy "Muscles" and "No brains," and Andy automatically assuming that "No brains" was him! LOL!
• Ella consistently calling Grandpa Dan a "Gomer."
• Spending time with our best friends, Matt and Danielle, and their 17-month old, Hadley. They are an adorable family and mean the world to us. If only we lived closer to them...
• Singing "Happy Birthday" to Ella with her smiling an angelic smile while looking around the room. I could really tell she was soaking in just how special that was.
• Hearing Roy (my Grandpa-in-law) tell me that even though he is an 80-year old man, I inspire him. I will seriously cherish those words forever. Thank you, Roy! I hold Roy and Carol, his wife, in the highest regard, and hearing any words of encouragement and appreciation coming from them will always stay with me. They are so family-oriented and I look up to them so much. They have managed to bury themselves into a very special spot in my heart. They are an inspiration to me.
• Ella really taking to Uncle Andy and demanding a lot of his attention, and Andy being really great with her in return. This was the first time I truly really saw her having that special connection with her uncle.
• Playing pool with Aaron and getting the "Oh honey" look from Aaron every time I did something only I could manage to do. 
• Going on what we think was a 3 to 3-1/2 mile walk/hike along the Willamette River at Molalla State Park with Dan and Janice (parents-in-law), getting lost (I don't know how we all managed that!), finding a baby snake and frog to show a curious Ella.
• Ella getting a cute swimsuit from Andy and my new sister-in-law, Holli, for her birthday, and immediately running down the hall to change into it, and then refusing to take it off. She definitely loves her swimsuits!
• Aaron's aunt and uncle, Kenneth and Phyl-eth...enough said! :)

Okay, I'm sure I forgot some other memories I want to take away from this weekend, but I'm simply too exhausted to put any more effort into this post!

Thanks to everyone who made it out to Ella's 17-days-from-turning-four birthday party and for all the gifts. She's a very lucky girl to be loved by so many great people.

And with a very busy Wednesday...

...comes a very sick Thursday!!!

The past few days or so, Ella has had a mild cold. Nothing too serious. We gave her some cough & cold medicine when we thought necessary. She was always in great spirits, though, and never acted sick, so we didn't want to give her medicine unless she absolutely needed it. It was just the sniffles, after all. No fever.

Then, a couple days ago (Tuesday afternoon, to be exact), she was complaining about her right eye hurting. Aaron and I looked it, didn't notice anything different, and just thought maybe she bumped it.

Yesterday, again...same complaints. It was looking maybe a little pinker, but nothing too concerning. Aaron triple checked to make sure there wasn't like an eyelash stuck in there somewhere. Nothing. By the end of the day, though, when it was time to go to bed, there were a bit of "googlies" at the corners of her eyes. I looked at Aaron and said, "This could be bad."

Sure enough, this morning...moment of truth! Her eye was way worse. It was about halfway closed, red, puffy, and had a few crusties around it. The actual white of her eye wasn't "pink," so I didn't think it was pink eye, but I called her school and said she wasn't going to class today and scheduled an appointment with her doctor first thing just to make sure! With the chance that it's pink eye, we need to fight it! She has a wedding to be in on Saturday!!!

So, we get to the doctor, and low and behold, he says it's either 1) a mild case of pink eye or 2) an irritation caused from Ella's cold and low-grade fever (it was 99.6 this morning). He couldn't diagnose which is the case. If she didn't have a cold, he'd label it as pink eye, but since she had this cold and fever, he said the eye irritation could've resulted from that. I explained that we're leaving tomorrow for Portland and that she's in a wedding. I remained calm, but in the inside I was freaking out a bit. He said that we need to get her on antibiotic drops so that she's better by Saturday. If not, it could flare up a lot more.

Of course, the pharmacy didn't receive the doctor's initial fax, so I had to call the doctor's office for them to re-fax and call back the pharmacy again a little while later...to find out they still did not have the prescription! Frustrated, I called the doctor again, and they re-faxed again, and thank goodness when I called the pharmacy this time, the assistant was like, "Oh yeah, it's here...I'm looking at it right now." So, either they have three prescriptions lurking around and they were just too lazy / busy / uninterested / lacking in customer service when I called to see if they received the fax or somebody is not doing their job correctly. Do any of you ever have similar problems? I feel like this happens almost every time we see a doctor.

So, now with Ella napping, I'm not able to get the drops, which is very frustrating. She should've had the drops soon after her appointment and her eye could be resting with the medicine fighting away the infection as I type this! I'm a little bit concerned, but praying that tomorrow she wakes up with two beautiful, bright eyes. And if not tomorrow...at least Saturday! Fingers crossed.

Very Busy Wednesday

Wednesdays are officially known as "Ella Days" around our house. Well, I guess I should take that back because everyday is really an "Ella Day," but just more so on Wednesdays. :)

Ella has ballet from 4:30 to 5:15. She is now in the 4-year old class. She had to turn four by the 3rd class and she technically didn't make the cut off, but I thought it'd be good for her to be in the older class (and I don't think the teacher will question her age...hopefully?). These girls are so much more advanced and attentive! Ella did really well, though. Followed instructions perfectly. But, Aaron and I noticed that she has one downfall....

SHE'S A LEFTY! So, whenever instructed to twirl, she twirls the opposite way of all the other girls. And when she turns the way she's "supposed" to, she's...well...not as coordinated. Then, whenever pointing toes and placing them forward, all the girls naturally do their right feet, but Ella was always the oddball out, putting her left foot forward. The teacher was patient with her. "Ella, which foot is your sticker foot?" (because all the girls' right slippers had stickers on them).

All in all, I think this ballet class will be MUCH better than the last and I can't wait for the Christmas recital! If the girls dance with little Santa hats on, I'm going to flip out with the cuteness! Oh, and there are identical twin girls (one is just taller than the other) in this ballet class. Double the cuteness! Okay, that's enough "cute" talk for me. :)

After ballet, we headed home for a quick dinner, and then we went off to church for AWANA (not before taking some pictures first!).

All pumped up and ready to go!

Aaron, after noticing I was taking pictures, had to get in on one. And then, of course, Ella insisted on strangling, I mean holding, Bob. Don't worry, all pugs used for the production of this picture were not harmed. :)

This is the crazy Ella face!

Another shot of the crazy Ella face! Oh my!

There's a sweet angel in there somewhere. Oh, there it is!

I have to admit, I was a little nervous. I don't know why! I had just never been a children's leader before. I didn't know if they'd like me, if they'd listen to me, or if I'd even know what to do! But, all the "veteran" leaders helped me out and the children LOVED me, and it felt so good. They listened to me and looked to me for guidance. I'd always stoop down to their levels when talking to them. One of them said I was "beautiful" and another little boy, named Logan, had glasses on like mine, so we had an immediate 4-eyed bond. :) Lots of the girls followed me around the room, waiting for my instructions...not knowing anybody or what to do as much as me! So, needless to say, we learned together! The boys, however, were quite a bit more rowdy, but it was fun being around them, since I only have Ella. I now have a clearer idea of why God blessed me with a little girl. :)

So, there were about 70 to 80 little 3-4 year olds. WOW! As the director said, the first night is nothing but chaotic order, and that it was! When we went into the main room, Ella started shaking. I don't know if she was shaking from being scared from seeing so many new faces or because she was shaking from squeezing my finger so tight, but either way, she glued herself to my leg and told me not to go. I reassured her I was staying the whole time.

But within five minutes, she asked if she could go play and off she went. Straight to the play kitchen area, of course! Once most the kids were there, we were involved in a huge "circle time," where the director introduced the kids to Cubbie Bear, sang some songs, recited the Pledge of Allegiance and just got the kids excited for the activities ahead.

All the kids were divided into five colored groups. Ella and I were in the orange group. I was the orange leader! Naturally, I thought Ella was going to be with me the whole time, seeing as how we were in the same color. Little did I know! I was co-leader with a nice man named Tom, and we were put in charge of the craft room. All five groups of the kids rotated among five rooms, all containing something new and exciting for the kids. I was so excited when Ella came into my room. I got a huge hug with a loud, "That's my Mommy! Oh Mommy, I missed you!" Once all the rotations were done, all the groups headed back for a final circle time where we sang and signed "Jesus Loves Me." Nothing like the sound of 3-4 year olds singing that sweet song.

Then, after that, all the orange kids (including Ella) followed me to where I had all their crafts and some informational stuff for their parents lined up, which I speedily organized so I could join Ella for final circle time. Towards the end of the night, she was quite needy. Mainly, because I think she was tired, but she probably just wanted some comfort and some love, that only a Mommy can give.

Once I had all the kids under my wings, so to speak, I took off their name tags and gave them their things. Then, I thought, "Oh great, what if the parents come and ask for so-and-so and I can't remember who it is!" But, luckily, I have a pretty good memory! Once all the parents picked up theirs kids, Ella and I headed home.

All in all, a very wonderful Wednesday with my very wonderful daughter. I'm so happy I volunteered with AWANA! I'm so happy I get to watch Ella interact and see the personality type she is among other kids her age. I mean, I know her personality type at home...dominating, crazy (see above pictures if you don't believe it!), happy and sweet...but outside of home, she's quite the opposite and it was refreshing seeing this side of her. My little sweetheart.

Ella is required to memorize one new Bible verse each week for AWANA. Here is a short clip of her memorizing her verse for this week. "God loved us...and sent His son." (1 John 4:10).