The Least Hopeful Two-Week Wait

As you all know, Aaron and I met with an infertility specialist a few weeks ago (to read up on the visit, click HERE). I went into the appointment hopeful, determined and confident that this was the step that will bring us our baby. But during the consultation, Dr. Weckstein dropped our percentage of conceiving naturally from 25% to 3% per month, which consequently dropped my heart down into my stomach (where it still sits to this day).

Shortly after he gave me that statistic, he performed a quick ultrasound to check out the condition of my uterine lining and follicles (to which everything looked, once again, "textbook perfect"), and he pointed out that it looks like I would be ovulating in the next couple days. I already knew that (since I'm so in tuned to my body), but let me tell you...after hearing that low statistic really brought me to a dark place. Somehow finding the "desire", for lack of better words, to try and make a baby around that time was hard for me. But, needless to say, even if the doctor gave us a 0.3% chance of conceiving, we still would've tried.

I stand by the truth that God doesn't even need a medically diagnosed percentage to bless us with a child.

But today, I found that the 97% chance of not conceiving holds true to us for this cycle. I'm at least happy my period started at home and not while surrounded by a ton of family and friends. Being home gave me the few moments in privacy where I allowed myself to grieve, cry and pray. This was a short time of privacy, though, because deep down, I knew it was coming. Hopeful Janice (my mother-in-law) kept telling me, "No, it's not coming. You're pregnant! I just know it!" and I'd just smile back and tell her, "I know it's coming."

I'm heartbroken...but life goes on...

So, now that my period has arrived, Aaron and I can move forward with the pre-IVF blood work testing. It looks like we'll be having this done either Wednesday or Thursday. This is the last testing that needs to be done in order to determine what IVF programs we qualify for. We're still not sure when we will do the IVF, but most likely it'll be by the end of this year.

And even though it may sound like I'm seemingly accepting IVF being in our near future, I'm still in this sad state of disbelief. I wish it hadn't come to this. Oh, how I wish I could've conceived the way God intended for us to conceive. But, as everybody knows, life is unpredictable. Two years ago, I had no way of knowing this would've been the road I'd take to conceiving, just as two years ago, my father-in-law would've never thought he'd have metastatic bone cancer.

As I wrote on my in-laws' fridge white board before we left this morning, "I can do all things [including chemotherapy] through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13). I am praying so hard for Dan and Janice to find God as his chemotherapy treatment beings. My faith in God has grown so much through my infertility, and I truly believe that God is asking for my in-laws to seek Him through this painful journey they are walking through.

So, as Aaron and I continue through our infertility and move towards our next step of IVF, so too are Janice and Dan continuing through this awful battle with cancer and begin the next step of chemotherapy. We are all bonded through this, and the glue holding us all together is the love and respect we have for one another and God. I believe God is bringing us all closer to Him through our personal journeys, but also closer to each other. I've never felt close to my in-laws as I do today. Love you both so much!