It's Not Just About Me

Brace yourself, fellow infertiles, I have a confession to make.

As you all know, I am experiencing secondary infertility, but what most of you might not know is that when I got pregnant with Ella...I was one of those women. You know, the I-don't-have-to-chart, I-don't-have-to-watch-what-I-put-in-my-body, I-don't-have-to-pee-on-a-stick-to-see-when-I'm-ovulating-because-I-don't-even-know-what-ovulation-is, I-don't-worry-about-what-position-is-the-best-for-making-a-baby, I-got-pregnant-in-2-months-of-casually-trying women.

Yes, you heard right. I was a very naive conceiver. I did not even know what ovulation was! I seriously thought you could get pregnant any time you weren't on your period. Oh boy, was I a simple-minded fool. A part of me still wishes I had this mentality, but unfortunately, I am now well-educated in all things trying to conceive, and I think my over-analyzing gets the best of me sometimes.

And, as for conceiving in two months, while "casually" trying...please don't hate me! I stopped taking the pill in October (or maybe even November) 2005, a few months after we got married, and I started 2006 with a positive pregnancy test.

But, this naivety of thinking I can get pregnant quickly and easily is what is hurting me now. I knew I wanted my kids to be roughly 3 years apart. Aaron and his brother are 3 years apart. I'm 3 years older than my sister. It's perfect! So, around Ella's 2nd birthday, I eliminated all birth control and figured my previous conception story would replay itself.

Boy, was I as wrong as wrong can get! Ella is now 4, and if we're LUCKY, she will be 5 years older. 5 FLIPPIN' YEARS!!! Trust me, this does not sit well in my stomach. But, Aaron, being the sensitive soul that he is, reminds me that our kids don't have to be close in age to love each other and have a close relationship. It's all about being a family unit, how we parent them, how we demonstrate unconditional love, and Ella is living proof that we are capable of that (well, so far!).

And, now, my eyes are opened to where I was once blind! I see Ella's personality and I wholeheartedly believe that if she had a sibling 3 years younger than her, things would be so different in her life. I just know that this age difference, although something I've had to pray for strength to accept, is not about what I think is best for family. It is what God thinks is best for our family, and sometimes I forget who is affected by this other than me. After all, it's about my family, and within this family is my beautiful 4-year old.

You see, I've made this trying to conceive battle all about me. I can't get pregnant. I can't become a mom to a second child. I am infertile! But, not until recently, have I realized that it's not just about me! With this new baby, Ella's life will forever change, too. She will no longer be just a daughter, she will have the big role of being a sister to play. WOW!!!

I've made this all about me, when how could I? Ella is just as involved and just as affected by having a new addition to our family as I am. And, even though I may feel like I am ready, God is showing to me that even though I'm ready, perhaps Ella is not. God knows Ella better than I do (I am simply the person He has entrusted her life with). He knows her heart. And maybe He is maybe telling me that Ella is not ready. God, thank you for opening my eyes to this truth!