Infertility has opened up my eyes to the fact that when someone experiences pain that you yourself have never felt, it's so hard to be completely empathetic. There is no way that person can wholeheartedly share the pain without having experienced it or experience it first hand. People not having gone through infertility, although sympathetic, caring, and devotedly praying, cannot feel the depth of an infertile's pain.
Infertility is such a painful journey. There are so many ups and downs, so many hopes only to be followed by letdowns, so many tears. Taking each day as it comes is the best therapy to dealing with infertility...not looking too far into the future because that can only lead to disappointment. The quote by Corrie Ten Boom goes, "Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength." I strive to give my all each day, even the days where I'm so heartbroken and sad. I owe it to Aaron and Ella to be strong. I owe it to myself.
I used to always calculate what my due date would be based on the first day of my period. And then, I would calculate how much older Ella would be than her sibling. I would get so excited and anxiously plan out everything in my head. "Oh, a June baby would be perfect because then Aaron can be home all summer with him/her!" "The baby would be due in December. What a wonderful Christmas present!"
I haven't done these calculations for months now. I realize Ella is getting older, and month by month it breaks my heart, but my attitude has shifted from when it will happen to if it will happen. Each month that passes I lose a little bit more hope. I remember when I first started trying to conceive. I was so hopeful! I would pee on a stick every month, refusing to wait for my period, thinking each time that two lines would show up! Now, I can't remember the last time I bought a home pregnancy test. I used to look at pregnant women fondly, knowing my time was coming! Now, I feel tears start to swell up.
A comment was stated by somebody that made me realize that even though I think people not having ever experienced infertility may comprehend my pain, it's really not the case. This "somebody" is very near and dear to my heart, and I know his words were unintentionally hurtful, and I am no longer hurt by them. This topic was weighing heavily on me today, so what better way to work through it than write about it!
He said, "She married Aaron. She didn't marry a family."
I married Aaron. I didn't marry a family.
A person having never experienced infertility could make a comment like that. Sure, I married Aaron, but we both share the common dream of having children. We both share the common dream of bringing a sibling into the world for Ella. The success of our marriage is not dependent on our ability to procreate. I know that. But, how would you react if you were having trouble conceiving? Would you just give up and say, "Well, I have my spouse and I guess a family is just not in the cards for us." No! You would fight for it! You would give all you have in order to gain it all back through a baby. And even though this journey has left an unwanted mark in our lives, and even though I need (and do!) dedicate myself to my husband, I will never give up this fight against infertility.
Sure, I didn't marry a family...but I married the HOPE of a family. How could I not want to grow a family with the man I love?
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7 comments:
I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately. The fertile world just doesn't seem to get it! No matter how close they are to us, unless they have been in the situation it is just impossible to understand the constant pain.
Chin up friend, it sounds like you've got some pretty promising things on the horizon. And although they don't fill the longing in your heart, you've got what sounds like a pretty great husband and a stinkin' cute little girl to love on in the meantime :)
You're so very right. People who have never walked in the shoes of infertility DO NOT GET IT. Sadly, they never will.
I'm so sorry that you had to hear those words. I used to want to educate people on infertility, the process and the pain and then the comments began to become unbearable.
You have great things ahead of you and like waiting and wishing said, you married a fabulous man and you have a beautiful daughter to love.
Hang in there my sweet friend... you're one step closer and all you can do is take it one day at a time. ♥
One of my friends dealt with the awkwardness of my infertility by talking endlessly about her lack of it. People who've never been in our shoes know nothing of the pain that we go through. It's a battle every day.
Currently, I'm not in your situation, and I've never experienced the depth of infertility as you have. I couldn't begin to say that I know how you feel, but I do know some of what you feel.
And it breaks my heart for you.
You are in my prayers, friend.
It is tough being infertile in, what seems like, a fertile world. I had a down day myself yesterday. We have been trying to conceive for nearly 18 months (which I know is probably a short amount of time compared to others, but due to my age it freaks me out). We have been tested, and our next step is a gynecologist (no appointment until November *sigh* - just what I need, a two month wait).
However, as other posters have said, one day at a time, keep focusing on the positives of your loving husband and beautiful little girl, and may the Lord bless you, when he sees the time is right, with your hearts desire.
And to say you married your husband and not a family? That's the most ridiculous and heartless thing I've ever heard. Of course you wanted children! That's your God-given desire! Who are they to criticize you for that?!?
That makes me ill. The thoughtlessness of people sometimes!
I don't really get how someone could say that. What does marrying your husband or wife have to do with not having a need for a family/children? Sure you married your spouse because you loved them, you didn't marry them just so they could give you children, but most people I know marry with the idea that they one day will have a family. What an odd thing for someone to say?
I totally understand your feelings at the beginning of the post. This month marks two years of trying for baby #2 for us. A long time ago I stopped thinking when and now think in if or never. It is painful to see those pregnant bellies and feel like I'll never get to experience those feelings again. Even though I have my son who I treasure I want for him to have the sibling that he longs for and it is devastating to not be able to do this. I totally understand.
So so sorry that you received this words...they probably were unintentional and it's so hard to let them roll off your back and keep going.
Hang in there...your dreams will come true...and SOON!
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