Every time I look at the calendar I get a little anxious.
Today is the last day Ella will be 3 years old. I cried this morning when dropping her off at school (just a little...easy enough to cover up) and then I got teary-eyed while driving to work and heard "Blink" by Revive on K-Love.
Here are some of my favorite lyrics:
Teach me to number my days
And count every moment before it slips away
Taking all the colors before they fade to gray
I don't want to miss even just a second more of this
It happens in a blink
It happens in a flash
It happens in the time it takes to look back
I try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time
Gosh, my little Ella has grown up so fast. It makes me so sad to think that Aaron and I have been trying to conceive for over half her life! Can you believe that?!? This is the third birthday where I've told myself, "This time next year, Ella will have a little sibling to celebrate her birthday with." I'm sorry you don't have a buddy to play with yet, Ella. Mommy and Daddy are trying.
The other reason why looking at the calendar makes me anxious is IVF planning. I keep going back and forth between November and December. And now with September closing in on us, November seems too soon for me as well.
What is my deal??? I mean, is this just something I won't ever be ready for, but I just have to go through anyway? Will I ever completely wrap myself around doing an IVF or will I always be in this cloud of disbelief that it's actually happening? Is God trying to tell me to wait it out a couple more months because He has a big surprise for us?
2 comments:
I know exactly what you mean about being (or not being) ready. We waited for a long time to even see an RE because I wasn't ready to think about treatments. Now, here I am only a week and a half after my first appointment gearing up for an IUI. I know it isn't the same as IVF, but if I actually had time to think about it I think I would be thinking the same things you are. Instead I am in the midst of it and it feels great to have a plan and me moving forward with something. If I have to sit and worry, plan and think it through a million times over I would put it off over and over. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith! I'll be praying that you find peace in whatever you decide!
Happy early birthday to Ella!! There really isn't a good time to do IVF. You'll never be totally prepared. Once you have your "calender" from the nurse it gets really exciting!!
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