I'm tired, period. I'm tired of allowing myself to gain hope each month only to be crushed over and over again, period. I'm tired of crying and feeling insecure about myself, period. I'm tired of the person I become when I lose hope and reality sets in, period. I'm just tired.
As you can well guess, my period came. God...why??? I know that answer will be revealed in time, but right now, I'm just trying to remain strong with the faith that it will happen! I WILL GET PREGNANT...whether it be "6 months or 6 years from now" (as Aaron said), but in my heart of hearts, I know God will provide. He always has and always will. He has never let me down, and I'm not going to start doubting Him now, no matter how difficult the circumstances are.
So, now onto the intrauterine insemination (IUI) in a couple weeks. I pray this does the trick. My infertility is unexplained, as my doctor says. All the tests have come back fine. And if the IUI doesn't work (which we may need to do a few times), my doctor is going to refer me to a infertility specialist. The IUI isn't cheap, so realistically, I don't know how many times we'll be able to afford to have it done. Hopefully just once!
(These pictures were taken when Aaron, Ella and I went camping at Patrick's Point State Park in June 2008. Ella was 1 year 9 months old. I think we need to go back...and soon!)
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Click
Have you seen the movie, "Click"? The one where Adam Sandler plays a work-o-holic dad who can't find the time to balance his career life with his family life. He is given a miracle remote control that can fast forward, pause, mute his life. The clicker soon left his life meaningless. While fast forwarding through rough times may seem appealing, it is those times that made his life what it is...makes MY life what it is. After watching this movie a couple nights ago, Aaron and I simply looked at each other, without saying much, both knowing that we needed to see this movie at this specific time! God knew we needed to see it.
As you all know, it has been really hard accepting God's plan for our roles as parents. He has entrusted us with Ella, but has put a halt on entrusting us with any more children at this time. But, although incredibly difficult and saddening, EVERY person's life has troubles! We all can't expect to press the fast forward button on our miracle remote controls to speed us to when things are better. For when we all have our dream jobs and are making enough money to live comfortably. For when I am pregnant! But is there really a "better" time. Is that even possible? There is no such thing as a perfect life, but it is the ATTITUDE to which you deal with life's imperfections that makes it perfect. In fact, getting through these rough times may possibly be the most rewarding part of our lives. It shows our true character and strength! It is so easy to live joyfully when everything goes your way, but living your life with the same amount of joy even when things turn sour is a true reflection of your inner self.
"Click" also emphasized the importance of family. Career should NEVER come before family...never, ever ever! But for me, a career isn't coming before family, but my infertility is! I think about it so often, that even what I do have...my wonderful husband and perfect daughter...are put on the back burner. Embarrassing and incomprehensible, but true. Don't get me wrong, though. Aaron and Ella are my world! Imagining my life without Aaron's hugs or Ella's laughter is...gosh, just thinking about it puts a frog in my throat.
And even though I would love to fast forward to when I'm pregnant, I can't take away the days God has given me. Realistically, fast forwarding through life is impossible, but do you ever find yourself looking forward to something in the future that even the power of now is forgotten? Tomorrow is Monday already and I'm sure many of you are already wanting for Friday to hurry up. You get the picture. And even though looking forward to upcoming events or experiences is fine and dandy, taking away from the beauty of today should never be lost. I can't lose these days with my 3-year old daughter for the day when I find out I'm pregnant. I can't focus all my attention on my future, the hope of getting pregnant, when I have been given the gift of today to show Aaron and Ella how much they mean to me, to live every minute of today with purpose.
So, with all this said, I wholeheartedly recommend any of you who haven't seen "Click," to watch it, and then let me know what you think!
As you all know, it has been really hard accepting God's plan for our roles as parents. He has entrusted us with Ella, but has put a halt on entrusting us with any more children at this time. But, although incredibly difficult and saddening, EVERY person's life has troubles! We all can't expect to press the fast forward button on our miracle remote controls to speed us to when things are better. For when we all have our dream jobs and are making enough money to live comfortably. For when I am pregnant! But is there really a "better" time. Is that even possible? There is no such thing as a perfect life, but it is the ATTITUDE to which you deal with life's imperfections that makes it perfect. In fact, getting through these rough times may possibly be the most rewarding part of our lives. It shows our true character and strength! It is so easy to live joyfully when everything goes your way, but living your life with the same amount of joy even when things turn sour is a true reflection of your inner self.
"Click" also emphasized the importance of family. Career should NEVER come before family...never, ever ever! But for me, a career isn't coming before family, but my infertility is! I think about it so often, that even what I do have...my wonderful husband and perfect daughter...are put on the back burner. Embarrassing and incomprehensible, but true. Don't get me wrong, though. Aaron and Ella are my world! Imagining my life without Aaron's hugs or Ella's laughter is...gosh, just thinking about it puts a frog in my throat.
And even though I would love to fast forward to when I'm pregnant, I can't take away the days God has given me. Realistically, fast forwarding through life is impossible, but do you ever find yourself looking forward to something in the future that even the power of now is forgotten? Tomorrow is Monday already and I'm sure many of you are already wanting for Friday to hurry up. You get the picture. And even though looking forward to upcoming events or experiences is fine and dandy, taking away from the beauty of today should never be lost. I can't lose these days with my 3-year old daughter for the day when I find out I'm pregnant. I can't focus all my attention on my future, the hope of getting pregnant, when I have been given the gift of today to show Aaron and Ella how much they mean to me, to live every minute of today with purpose.
So, with all this said, I wholeheartedly recommend any of you who haven't seen "Click," to watch it, and then let me know what you think!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Is the Unknown Supposed to be Scary?
If you would have told me it'd take me over 1-1/2 years to get pregnant, I wouldn't have believed you. And I still don't know when my time will come. But, would I want to know even if I could? Would I have wanted to know 1-1/2 years ago that today, I would still not be pregnant? No way! Because that would mean during each of those days from then until now, I would've lived my days absent of hope. I would not have walked through life with my head held high, showing that I am strong and that, with God's help, I can get through each day, knowing that each day brings me closer to my second pregnancy!
Living through the unknown may be unbearable at times, but life is all about the unknown. Each day can bring a wonderful surprise or a devastating reality. Cancer so soon knocks on people's doors. My wonderful father-in-law was diagnosed with cancer at a ripe young age of 51 years. He is fighting it and his cancer is now dormant, but there is still the unknown of how long it'll remain dormant? If more treatment will be necessary, and what kind? Chemo? When, if at all, will this happen? Motorcycle accidents break a family apart, leaving a young wife, 3 daughters and a mom left to question God, "Why?" An incurable disease may creep into your life or the life of a loved one. There truly is no telling what tomorrow will bring. But, what other option is there, but to stand up tall and hope for a better tomorrow!
But is the "unknown" supposed to be scary? Am I supposed to walk through my infertility with fear...fear that I won't ever bear a second child? Do each of us wake up every morning timidly, afraid of what the day may bring? No! Not knowing what the day will bring is somethings the best part! Because with uncertainty comes hope. There cannot be hope when you know the outcome, there can only be hope when you don't know! This is why I'm focused on living a life filled with hope. It's is the most positive emotion I can embody when living through the unknown.
I'm 8 days past ovulation (dpo) today and the cramps are in full force. My cramps predictably begin about a week before my period starts, so the fact that they started yesterday, to be exact, makes me believe they are PMS cramps. So, I am realistically expecting my period to start early next week, but hoping that these cramps may, in fact, be early pregnancy cramps. I've read so many articles on-line that say pregnancy symptoms and PMS symptoms are identical. I remember with Ella I had cramping, but that wasn't until after I found out I was pregnant. Or maybe I'm just too in tuned to my body now, feeling every feeling, pinpointing each pinch or cramp? I don't know. Time will tell, I suppose. The two-week wait is so emotionally draining!
Aaron and I have discussed the prospect of my period starting and what our next step will be. We have decided to go forward with an IUI. Hopefully it doesn't come to that, but if it does, we are ready to walk down that road together, hand in hand.
Living through the unknown may be unbearable at times, but life is all about the unknown. Each day can bring a wonderful surprise or a devastating reality. Cancer so soon knocks on people's doors. My wonderful father-in-law was diagnosed with cancer at a ripe young age of 51 years. He is fighting it and his cancer is now dormant, but there is still the unknown of how long it'll remain dormant? If more treatment will be necessary, and what kind? Chemo? When, if at all, will this happen? Motorcycle accidents break a family apart, leaving a young wife, 3 daughters and a mom left to question God, "Why?" An incurable disease may creep into your life or the life of a loved one. There truly is no telling what tomorrow will bring. But, what other option is there, but to stand up tall and hope for a better tomorrow!
But is the "unknown" supposed to be scary? Am I supposed to walk through my infertility with fear...fear that I won't ever bear a second child? Do each of us wake up every morning timidly, afraid of what the day may bring? No! Not knowing what the day will bring is somethings the best part! Because with uncertainty comes hope. There cannot be hope when you know the outcome, there can only be hope when you don't know! This is why I'm focused on living a life filled with hope. It's is the most positive emotion I can embody when living through the unknown.
I'm 8 days past ovulation (dpo) today and the cramps are in full force. My cramps predictably begin about a week before my period starts, so the fact that they started yesterday, to be exact, makes me believe they are PMS cramps. So, I am realistically expecting my period to start early next week, but hoping that these cramps may, in fact, be early pregnancy cramps. I've read so many articles on-line that say pregnancy symptoms and PMS symptoms are identical. I remember with Ella I had cramping, but that wasn't until after I found out I was pregnant. Or maybe I'm just too in tuned to my body now, feeling every feeling, pinpointing each pinch or cramp? I don't know. Time will tell, I suppose. The two-week wait is so emotionally draining!
Aaron and I have discussed the prospect of my period starting and what our next step will be. We have decided to go forward with an IUI. Hopefully it doesn't come to that, but if it does, we are ready to walk down that road together, hand in hand.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Match Made In Heaven
This blog is an avenue for me to talk about whatever comes to mind. Writing is meditating and therapeutic, and I greatly enjoy going back and reading previous posts, reliving how I had felt and absorbing the truth in my words, my thoughts and my hopes.
I'm going to write about how Aaron and I met. There have been a few requests for me to tell the story about how we met, and since most of you don't know the story, here it is!
I had a couple awful relationships in college. Neither of the guys treated me with respect and I basically belittled myself, putting my needs and self-respect to the side, engrossing myself in these relationships that all my friends and family told me were awful. My second relationship ended when he started physically abusing me, and luckily, my friends helped me make the first step to wiping him clear from my life. My grades suffered, my social life suffered (all of my free time revolved around each of them and their friends) and, worst of all, I lost who I was!
And so, there I was, half-way through my senior year at U.C.S.D., knowing that soon I would be graduating without ANY idea of where I would go! Would I stay in San Diego? If so, where would I live, and with who? I hadn't really made any super close friends. Would I move back home to Turlock? I thought a lot about it, and then it hit me...why not move to Portland?!? Sister was going to Concordia University up there at the time, and I remember during my visits there, I absolutely loved it! So, I thought...what the heck? I'll do it! I've got nothing to lose!
So, as time progressed, I decided it would be logical to find a roommate, or two, that I could live with when I first move there until I got my feet on the ground. Plus, I figured it'd be a good idea to know somebody, other than Sister, to help me adjust to a new city. I started searching on-line for roommates, but everybody seemed so weird. I started feeling discouraged and wary about the prospect of moving there.
I clicked on his profile and it said it had been inactive for over 3 months. I let out a long sigh of despair. His profile didn't have any contact information...just his username ajj6123. How am I going to get a hold of this guy??? So, what did I do next? I googled his username (duh!) in hopes that it would lead me to some contact information, and surely enough...it did!
But, before I get ahead of myself, I should tell you about Aaron's side of this story. His friend, Jon Freid, one day decided to post Aaron's profile on date.com. Freid (as we call him) simply told Aaron he's doing it, and Aaron being the lax guy that he is, went along with it. And clearly, he didn't spend much time on the site, since when I came across his profile, it had been inactive for 3+ months!
Okay, so after I googled ajj6123, I found a link to the same username, for when Aaron filed a consumer complaint about an item he purchased on E-Bay. His name and his e-mail address were listed within this complaint. Oh my goodness! Once again, my heart started beating fast. But, at the same time, was I getting my hopes up for nothing because it's not the same guy? Some other person might've used that same username for E-Bay. That possibility didn't stop me from at least trying, though!
So, I immediately e-mailed him, my hands cold, clammy and shaking, not knowing what to write, how much to write! I was so excited, but also so nervous. I didn't want to come across as some crazy woman, but how could I not when I was a complete stranger e-mailing him after essentially "stalking" him on Google for his e-mail address.
I got to the airport early and was a bundle of nerves, but once I saw him, the nerves went away. His hug, his kiss, his everything were all something God perfected for me. What I need, Aaron provides. What I want, Aaron gratifies.
He proposed to me on April 1, 2005, not even a month after knowing him. As you can imagine, our parents weren't exactly assured it was a good idea, but once his parents met me and my parents met him, they saw that what we have is real. We got married on July 3, 2005!
I'm going to write about how Aaron and I met. There have been a few requests for me to tell the story about how we met, and since most of you don't know the story, here it is!
I had a couple awful relationships in college. Neither of the guys treated me with respect and I basically belittled myself, putting my needs and self-respect to the side, engrossing myself in these relationships that all my friends and family told me were awful. My second relationship ended when he started physically abusing me, and luckily, my friends helped me make the first step to wiping him clear from my life. My grades suffered, my social life suffered (all of my free time revolved around each of them and their friends) and, worst of all, I lost who I was!
So, as time progressed, I decided it would be logical to find a roommate, or two, that I could live with when I first move there until I got my feet on the ground. Plus, I figured it'd be a good idea to know somebody, other than Sister, to help me adjust to a new city. I started searching on-line for roommates, but everybody seemed so weird. I started feeling discouraged and wary about the prospect of moving there.
I then felt a nudge to check out a dating website. I don't know why I chose the website that I did (date.com), and I didn't pay for the service. I just set up a profile and searched through guys in the Portland area. Nobody interested me. It felt pointless, dirty and worthless. After scrolling through tons of lame profiles (and I mean tons), I saw Aaron's picture, and my heart started beating faster! His smile, his eyes...oh my gosh...just writing about it makes me feel all those feelings all over again. The fresh, beautiful certainty that this man was something special.
I clicked on his profile and it said it had been inactive for over 3 months. I let out a long sigh of despair. His profile didn't have any contact information...just his username ajj6123. How am I going to get a hold of this guy??? So, what did I do next? I googled his username (duh!) in hopes that it would lead me to some contact information, and surely enough...it did!
But, before I get ahead of myself, I should tell you about Aaron's side of this story. His friend, Jon Freid, one day decided to post Aaron's profile on date.com. Freid (as we call him) simply told Aaron he's doing it, and Aaron being the lax guy that he is, went along with it. And clearly, he didn't spend much time on the site, since when I came across his profile, it had been inactive for 3+ months!
Okay, so after I googled ajj6123, I found a link to the same username, for when Aaron filed a consumer complaint about an item he purchased on E-Bay. His name and his e-mail address were listed within this complaint. Oh my goodness! Once again, my heart started beating fast. But, at the same time, was I getting my hopes up for nothing because it's not the same guy? Some other person might've used that same username for E-Bay. That possibility didn't stop me from at least trying, though!
So, I immediately e-mailed him, my hands cold, clammy and shaking, not knowing what to write, how much to write! I was so excited, but also so nervous. I didn't want to come across as some crazy woman, but how could I not when I was a complete stranger e-mailing him after essentially "stalking" him on Google for his e-mail address.
But, the very next day, March 8, 2005, he e-mailed me back, and, as they say, the rest is history. We first chatted on-line for hours, learning every little thing about each other, growing a deep love, understanding and connection. After a short while we gained enough courage to talk on the phone, and I got to hear his voice! That is also a moment I won't ever forget...hearing his deep, caring voice for the first time. He came to visit me the last week of that same month. Was I nervous? You bet!
I got to the airport early and was a bundle of nerves, but once I saw him, the nerves went away. His hug, his kiss, his everything were all something God perfected for me. What I need, Aaron provides. What I want, Aaron gratifies.
He proposed to me on April 1, 2005, not even a month after knowing him. As you can imagine, our parents weren't exactly assured it was a good idea, but once his parents met me and my parents met him, they saw that what we have is real. We got married on July 3, 2005!
Monday, March 1, 2010
Worrying is the Opposite of Having Faith
Sometimes I have to slap myself silly with how much I worry. I'm a natural-born worry wart. Even after God proves to me that He is in control of my life, I still worry. But living a Christian life is not about living a life full of worry or fear, it's about living a life of faith and hope.
Even so, I was worried all weekend because I had been testing with OPKs since last Monday (cycle day 10), which is what my doctor instructed, but all of my tests kept coming back negative, meaning there was no LH surge, which occurs directly before ovulating. I was starting to worry that maybe my doctor may be right to think the cause of my infertility was due to lack of ovulation. After Friday passed (cycle day 14), which is mid-cycle, the worrying kicked in, especially since my cycles are typically like clockwork (28 days). I tried to remain faithfully optimistic that God would provide, but I struggled.
However, this morning, I got a positive ovulation predictor test!!! I immediately called my doctor and she performed a sonogram first thing this morning. My doctor said the Clomid must've delayed ovulation, which apparently is a frequent side effect. Talk about relief! As for my sonogram, she first checked the follicles on my right side, and the biggest ones were only 1 mm, which is not nearly big enough for ovulation (2 mm or more is necessary). I felt a tug of worry and fear. What if I wasn't ovulating properly? What if the follicles were not big enough?
So, my doctor then checked my left side and even before she told me, I knew the good news! Usually I can't decipher anything on the screen, but I immediately saw this massive circle. The follicle measured to be 3 mm, which she said means there was hyperstimulation of my ovaries, which is also a side effect of Clomid. No wonder I was having such awful pains! She then progressed to check if there was fluid behind my uterus (remember me telling you that it's a sign that ovulation has recently occurred?). Well, sure enough, there was fluid! So, she predicts that I'm ovulating TWICE this month (thanks to the Clomid), meaning I'm releasing two eggs! And yes, you guessed it, that means there would be a chance of having twins. I just pray one of those eggs fertilizes. She told me to get home and get busy, and as you can imagine, I blushed when she told me that.
On another note, this Spring California weather is absolutely wonderful. Ella and I spend most of our afternoons together outdoors. It's hard not to when it's just so perfect outside! With the sunshine and cool breeze, I can't help but feel an overwhelming presence of God. Sometimes I find myself closing my eyes, taking in a deep breath of the fresh air and thanking God for the gift of today, the power of now, the beauty of the present. We recently bought 4 Queen Palms for our backyard, and once those are all planted, it'll be even nicer to hang out in our work-in-progress backyard. I'm looking forward to warmer weather, longer days and evening BBQs!
However, this morning, I got a positive ovulation predictor test!!! I immediately called my doctor and she performed a sonogram first thing this morning. My doctor said the Clomid must've delayed ovulation, which apparently is a frequent side effect. Talk about relief! As for my sonogram, she first checked the follicles on my right side, and the biggest ones were only 1 mm, which is not nearly big enough for ovulation (2 mm or more is necessary). I felt a tug of worry and fear. What if I wasn't ovulating properly? What if the follicles were not big enough?
So, my doctor then checked my left side and even before she told me, I knew the good news! Usually I can't decipher anything on the screen, but I immediately saw this massive circle. The follicle measured to be 3 mm, which she said means there was hyperstimulation of my ovaries, which is also a side effect of Clomid. No wonder I was having such awful pains! She then progressed to check if there was fluid behind my uterus (remember me telling you that it's a sign that ovulation has recently occurred?). Well, sure enough, there was fluid! So, she predicts that I'm ovulating TWICE this month (thanks to the Clomid), meaning I'm releasing two eggs! And yes, you guessed it, that means there would be a chance of having twins. I just pray one of those eggs fertilizes. She told me to get home and get busy, and as you can imagine, I blushed when she told me that.
On another note, this Spring California weather is absolutely wonderful. Ella and I spend most of our afternoons together outdoors. It's hard not to when it's just so perfect outside! With the sunshine and cool breeze, I can't help but feel an overwhelming presence of God. Sometimes I find myself closing my eyes, taking in a deep breath of the fresh air and thanking God for the gift of today, the power of now, the beauty of the present. We recently bought 4 Queen Palms for our backyard, and once those are all planted, it'll be even nicer to hang out in our work-in-progress backyard. I'm looking forward to warmer weather, longer days and evening BBQs!
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