The two weeks following ovulation are progressively getting longer and longer. I dwell on the symptoms I feel...gaining all the hope in the world and then losing it all within seconds. I interpret the things I feel, and my moods fluctuate like the ocean's tide. Cramps, to me, always mean an impending period. All cramps that I've felt during the two-week wait have inevitably led to my period, so why should I think otherwise? I've done research upon research and have probably read every post on every fertility / trying to conceive / pregnancy related website known to woman-kind. Goodness, there's a lot to read, and rather than preoccupying my time with something that can take my mind OFF of what I'm feeling, I preoccupy my mind with the mindless babble of women, like me, trying to make sense of every symptom their bodies are experiencing. I read medical journals, as well, deliberating on the causes of secondary infertility, infertility treatment statistics, the list goes on and on. What I read has not once left me fulfilled or happy, so why do I go back to it? I guess I hope to come across one website, one post, one article that helps boost my confidence that this is my month.
Not even Aaron can relate to me. He supports me, but when I'm emotional, borderline psychotic, he tells me, "I can't bring you up and I'm not going to let you bring me down." Well, honey...reality check! I know you can't stand being around me like this, but do you think I can stand being around me, too? That's a big NO! I can't stand being irrational, unapproachable, unpredictable and unacceptable...but I am. I'm sorry. I blame the drug, and I think a majority of it is Clomid, but I think a significant part of it is me losing hope. I'm so done with feeling this way. So done!
God, hear my prayers.
I came across this beautiful passage that lifted my spirits almost immediately. It says,
"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?
I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.
No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.
Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known."
There is so much truth to those words. Both the trials and tribulations in one's life are carefully planned by our Creator. It's easy to question God when things aren't going so well, but maybe this trial is special. Maybe he really has singled me out for special treatment. And I know...I KNOW...that with my infertility has come an incredible excitement for having another child, an excitement that would've not grown to this level or intensity had I gotten pregnant right away. The first glimpse of him or her will be so magical and so perfect that at that very moment, all of these difficult times will have washed away and be forgotten. This trial placed before me is molding me, shaping me into the woman God has always intended me to be. I feel in my heart of hearts that I AM becoming a better wife, a better mom and a better woman from my infertility. The daily emotions I go through are but a grain of sand in the bigger picture of my life.
The Bible passage, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb" (Psalm 139:13), speaks to me. It reminds me that not only are Ella and my future children carefully created in His image, but I am also. What I am going through has been a part of God's plan for my life since I was first created in my mother's womb. I have to remain faithful that in due time, God will be delicately putting together another miracle in my womb, a true celebration those 9 months will be!
I'm 5 days past my IUI and I have 9 more to go. I am going to refrain from doing any more research, trying to decipher what my body is telling me because...it is what it is. I'm either pregnant or I'm not, and me dwelling on it won't change that.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Signs
Yesterday was the big day...I had my first IUI. Going into it, I was very nervous. In fact, my blood pressure was 135/90!!! My blood pressure always reads within the normal measurements, so those crazy high numbers were a true reflection of how I was feeling in the inside. My heart was beating fast, my hands were clamming, my anxiety was through the roof. But, after seeing my high blood pressure, I immediately started focusing on my breathing, praying, taking things slowly, leaning on Aaron for support. I needed to relax my body.
Yes, you hear right! Aaron was able to be there for the appointment! Which is one of many "signs" for why this IUI was meant to be. I'm a true believer that God places signs in one's path to show that the path they have chosen is, in fact, the right path...the chosen path. After not knowing for the longest time about if the IUI was something I'd want to do, this month was different. I truly felt at peace with the decision to go through with it. There was not one ounce of me questioning my decision. Months prior I'd be 50/50, or even 80/20. 100% of me was never ready...until now.
After making the decision to have the IUI, things seemed to fall into place like pieces of a puzzle. Aaron doesn't have any more personal leave days or sick days left for work, so I figured he would not be able to go with me. That idea devastated me, but I was realistic about it and figured there was no way around it. Turns out, all schools and businesses in Los Banos were to be closed down on April 30th, for the town's annual May Day parade. Aaron didn't have to go to work on Friday! But, that didn't mean much if I didn't ovulate on that day, so we just had to wait and see if it played out as we hoped.
Turns out it did! In fact, I ovulated a day EARLY. I was supposed to ovulate today! And, because my doctor's office is closed on weekends, I would've most likely had to wait another month to have the IUI. So, not only did I ovulate on the one day Aaron had off from work, but it wasn't even the day I was supposed to ovulate. On top of that, the only appointment time available was a morning appointment. If it had been an afternoon time, Aaron would've had to stay home with Ella, since she wouldn't be at school.
In addition, with Aaron having the day off, it meant he was able to go to my doctor's office to "provide his sample." If he had to work, I would've had to get a sterile cup for him to you-know before he left for work around 6:00 in the morning. My doctor's office doesn't open until 9:00, and the more time that is passed from when the sperm is provided to when the sperm is washed, the worse. Sperm washing is when the good sperm is separated from the bad sperm, so that only the good sperm would be injected inside of me. Anyway, even though Aaron felt entirely uncomfortable going into an office knowing full well that all the women working there knew what he was doing behind the closed door, he did it for me...for us...for our future family!
And, to top it off, my dear friend told me that April 24th to May 1st, 2010 is National Infertility Week. Wow!!! She found out yesterday, the same day I went in for my IUI, so she was eager to tell me. Another sign? I think so!
You may think these "signs" are pointless or stupid, but when going through infertility, the only thing to keep me going is HOPE. Seeing how things played out ideally for the IUI gives me hope that God is watching over us during this trying time, showing us the way, His way, through simple signs that, to anybody, may seem like mere coincidence, if that, but to me, I feel like God is pushing me in the right direction on this journey. How else could I have been so confused for so long and then finally, this month, I felt peace. God gave me peace - the peace that I needed to feel to know that the IUI was my next step.
After the IUI, the doctor instructed I lay there for a bit, so I laid there, not loosening my grip on Aaron's hand. Poor guy...I really think I hurt him during the procedure. At one point, he made me shift my grip. My nails were digging into him. No blood, though! Haha. The procedure was somewhat painful, but it was brief. I just focused on my breathing and on God - I prayed the whole time. I had tears rolling down my face and Aaron said my neck up turned tomato red. He's like, "You could be having your leg cut off, and you wouldn't make a peep." I have a high pain threshold, but I think for me, my tears were caused from my emotions, not the pain I was experiencing. While laying there after the procedure, that is when the tears really started pouring out. The concept of us creating a miracle at that very moment hit me hard and the tears started falling.
Once I came home, I was mildly cramping...nothing too concerning. It wasn't anything too uncomfortable, but after a couple hours, I was in A LOT of pain. Hunched over and unable to move in abrupt motions, I allowed Aaron to baby me. He made sure I kept up on my Tylenol and made sure my heat pad was always warm. He took care of Ella and dinner, leaving me to just relax and allow my body to recover. He's wonderful! This morning I woke up in pain, but by mid-day, I felt much better. Thank goodness!
Now onto the wait...the infamous two-week wait. We're hoping and praying this does the trick. Please God, let this do the trick! My strength is weakening...
Yes, you hear right! Aaron was able to be there for the appointment! Which is one of many "signs" for why this IUI was meant to be. I'm a true believer that God places signs in one's path to show that the path they have chosen is, in fact, the right path...the chosen path. After not knowing for the longest time about if the IUI was something I'd want to do, this month was different. I truly felt at peace with the decision to go through with it. There was not one ounce of me questioning my decision. Months prior I'd be 50/50, or even 80/20. 100% of me was never ready...until now.
After making the decision to have the IUI, things seemed to fall into place like pieces of a puzzle. Aaron doesn't have any more personal leave days or sick days left for work, so I figured he would not be able to go with me. That idea devastated me, but I was realistic about it and figured there was no way around it. Turns out, all schools and businesses in Los Banos were to be closed down on April 30th, for the town's annual May Day parade. Aaron didn't have to go to work on Friday! But, that didn't mean much if I didn't ovulate on that day, so we just had to wait and see if it played out as we hoped.
Turns out it did! In fact, I ovulated a day EARLY. I was supposed to ovulate today! And, because my doctor's office is closed on weekends, I would've most likely had to wait another month to have the IUI. So, not only did I ovulate on the one day Aaron had off from work, but it wasn't even the day I was supposed to ovulate. On top of that, the only appointment time available was a morning appointment. If it had been an afternoon time, Aaron would've had to stay home with Ella, since she wouldn't be at school.
In addition, with Aaron having the day off, it meant he was able to go to my doctor's office to "provide his sample." If he had to work, I would've had to get a sterile cup for him to you-know before he left for work around 6:00 in the morning. My doctor's office doesn't open until 9:00, and the more time that is passed from when the sperm is provided to when the sperm is washed, the worse. Sperm washing is when the good sperm is separated from the bad sperm, so that only the good sperm would be injected inside of me. Anyway, even though Aaron felt entirely uncomfortable going into an office knowing full well that all the women working there knew what he was doing behind the closed door, he did it for me...for us...for our future family!
And, to top it off, my dear friend told me that April 24th to May 1st, 2010 is National Infertility Week. Wow!!! She found out yesterday, the same day I went in for my IUI, so she was eager to tell me. Another sign? I think so!
You may think these "signs" are pointless or stupid, but when going through infertility, the only thing to keep me going is HOPE. Seeing how things played out ideally for the IUI gives me hope that God is watching over us during this trying time, showing us the way, His way, through simple signs that, to anybody, may seem like mere coincidence, if that, but to me, I feel like God is pushing me in the right direction on this journey. How else could I have been so confused for so long and then finally, this month, I felt peace. God gave me peace - the peace that I needed to feel to know that the IUI was my next step.
After the IUI, the doctor instructed I lay there for a bit, so I laid there, not loosening my grip on Aaron's hand. Poor guy...I really think I hurt him during the procedure. At one point, he made me shift my grip. My nails were digging into him. No blood, though! Haha. The procedure was somewhat painful, but it was brief. I just focused on my breathing and on God - I prayed the whole time. I had tears rolling down my face and Aaron said my neck up turned tomato red. He's like, "You could be having your leg cut off, and you wouldn't make a peep." I have a high pain threshold, but I think for me, my tears were caused from my emotions, not the pain I was experiencing. While laying there after the procedure, that is when the tears really started pouring out. The concept of us creating a miracle at that very moment hit me hard and the tears started falling.
Once I came home, I was mildly cramping...nothing too concerning. It wasn't anything too uncomfortable, but after a couple hours, I was in A LOT of pain. Hunched over and unable to move in abrupt motions, I allowed Aaron to baby me. He made sure I kept up on my Tylenol and made sure my heat pad was always warm. He took care of Ella and dinner, leaving me to just relax and allow my body to recover. He's wonderful! This morning I woke up in pain, but by mid-day, I felt much better. Thank goodness!
Now onto the wait...the infamous two-week wait. We're hoping and praying this does the trick. Please God, let this do the trick! My strength is weakening...
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Bobbi, where are you?
Panic attacks, anxiety, tears, screams, weight gain, hot flashes, psychotic episodes (yes, true statement) are all things I've had to deal with, along with my family, the past few months while on Clomid. This drug is absolutely awful! I've done a ton of research and although some women don't experience any side effects or just a couple, it seems I've experienced every possible one! This is going to be my last month on it, which brings me to our next news.
Aaron and I have decided to go through with the IUI this month. I've been so indecisive about it for the past couple months...going back and forth on whether it is something I wanted to do or not. Finally, Aaron spoke for me. He told me the truth that deep down I knew, but just didn't want to face. We both agreed that at this point, it is really the next step for us. Never in our wildest dreams did we think it'd come to this, but life is unpredictable and "un-perfect."
Not that the anticipation of having an IUI this week is enough, but Aaron will be finding out if he'll be asked back next year at his current teaching position. He has an evaluation today, which is the final determining factor if the Merced County Office of Education will hand him a contract for the next school year or a pink slip. I guess it wouldn't even be a pink slip, since there wouldn't be a "chance" that he will be asked back. That would be it...hook, line and sinker. Needless to say, we are on pins and needles.
There are some moments where we both feel confident about the events of this week. Aaron sometimes has a hop to his step, a twinkle to his smile and a tone to his voice, like he's got it in the bag. I mean, why wouldn't they ask him to come back? They aren't combining classrooms, they aren't eliminating the position...if he was let go, someone would be replacing him. And why would they replace the teacher that all of the students have gained to trust? A teacher that the parents have expressed time and time again that their kids love. A teacher that is professional and has a great working relationship with all his superiors and equals. See, there I go again...being confident on his behalf! But the truth of the reality is that he MAY not be asked back, and with the teacher market being the way it is, finding another teaching job may be near impossible.
And as far as the IUI goes, I've broken down in nervousness and fright, but hide it through a hopeful optimism. I cannot allow nerves and fear to take control of my body. I need to remain optimistic because I truly believe that stress has such a negative effect on one's body. The chances of the IUI working aren't that great...roughly 20-25%...but "it can be done, it will be done, it shall be done," in the words of my verbose husband.
Aaron and I have decided to go through with the IUI this month. I've been so indecisive about it for the past couple months...going back and forth on whether it is something I wanted to do or not. Finally, Aaron spoke for me. He told me the truth that deep down I knew, but just didn't want to face. We both agreed that at this point, it is really the next step for us. Never in our wildest dreams did we think it'd come to this, but life is unpredictable and "un-perfect."
Not that the anticipation of having an IUI this week is enough, but Aaron will be finding out if he'll be asked back next year at his current teaching position. He has an evaluation today, which is the final determining factor if the Merced County Office of Education will hand him a contract for the next school year or a pink slip. I guess it wouldn't even be a pink slip, since there wouldn't be a "chance" that he will be asked back. That would be it...hook, line and sinker. Needless to say, we are on pins and needles.
There are some moments where we both feel confident about the events of this week. Aaron sometimes has a hop to his step, a twinkle to his smile and a tone to his voice, like he's got it in the bag. I mean, why wouldn't they ask him to come back? They aren't combining classrooms, they aren't eliminating the position...if he was let go, someone would be replacing him. And why would they replace the teacher that all of the students have gained to trust? A teacher that the parents have expressed time and time again that their kids love. A teacher that is professional and has a great working relationship with all his superiors and equals. See, there I go again...being confident on his behalf! But the truth of the reality is that he MAY not be asked back, and with the teacher market being the way it is, finding another teaching job may be near impossible.
And as far as the IUI goes, I've broken down in nervousness and fright, but hide it through a hopeful optimism. I cannot allow nerves and fear to take control of my body. I need to remain optimistic because I truly believe that stress has such a negative effect on one's body. The chances of the IUI working aren't that great...roughly 20-25%...but "it can be done, it will be done, it shall be done," in the words of my verbose husband.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Putting on a Happy Front
Today was hard. I think each month this day arrives, it progressively gets harder. And yes, you can imagine what "this day" means. Do I want to talk about it? No. Am I happy? Heck no. But will I be putting on a happy front? Yes.
Aaron, Ella and I are going to Portland this weekend for Aaron's brother's wedding. Whenever I'm around Aaron's family (now, my family), I'm happy. They all bring me so much joy, depth, happiness and love, but lately, I've been feeling like I have nothing to reciprocate with. The love I receive from others used to be something I can give right back. It's harder lately. It just goes to show that when you don't love yourself, loving others is a near impossible task. And even though I do love myself, I do not love my infertility. It makes me feel low, unworthy, incompetent and, above all else, not myself. My mom looks at me and knows I'm not myself and tiptoes around my moods. Aaron comes home from work and, even before saying anything, knows...he just knows. He knows my disappointment and heartache, forces a hug out of me and makes sure to look into my eyes and reassure me it'll be okay. But perhaps most importantly, he sees my determination and strength to being the best mom possible to Ella, despite my inner frustrations and letdowns.
This weekend, ideally, should be a fun weekend. Seeing family I don't see but a few times a year should be something I soak in with every bone in my body, every beat of my heart. And even though I do completely intend on doing so, there is still that void. A void that I wish would leave me completely, a void I wish I could control, but instead, it's a void that is negatively consuming me.
This blog is not meant for any one of you to feel sorry for me (even though your prayers and words of encouragement are so appreciated). It is simply my own way of personal therapy. And please don't think my infertility is on my mind "24-7-365-10-100" (that's for you, Dan, haha), so much of my life is happiness. How can I not be happy with Ella as my daughter and Aaron as my husband? And I am excited to share my daughter, my husband and myself with our loved ones this weekend. Family is so important when going through tough times, and even though words are sometimes not spoken about my infertility, just feeling the embrace of family's hugs and absorbing in the laughs and conversations helps. Family is so important, good times or bad, it is one of those constants, something that I can rely on.
Today brought sadness and disappointment, but there is always the hope of a better tomorrow. I know my time will come. God is good...all the time, God is good.
Aaron, Ella and I are going to Portland this weekend for Aaron's brother's wedding. Whenever I'm around Aaron's family (now, my family), I'm happy. They all bring me so much joy, depth, happiness and love, but lately, I've been feeling like I have nothing to reciprocate with. The love I receive from others used to be something I can give right back. It's harder lately. It just goes to show that when you don't love yourself, loving others is a near impossible task. And even though I do love myself, I do not love my infertility. It makes me feel low, unworthy, incompetent and, above all else, not myself. My mom looks at me and knows I'm not myself and tiptoes around my moods. Aaron comes home from work and, even before saying anything, knows...he just knows. He knows my disappointment and heartache, forces a hug out of me and makes sure to look into my eyes and reassure me it'll be okay. But perhaps most importantly, he sees my determination and strength to being the best mom possible to Ella, despite my inner frustrations and letdowns.
This weekend, ideally, should be a fun weekend. Seeing family I don't see but a few times a year should be something I soak in with every bone in my body, every beat of my heart. And even though I do completely intend on doing so, there is still that void. A void that I wish would leave me completely, a void I wish I could control, but instead, it's a void that is negatively consuming me.
This blog is not meant for any one of you to feel sorry for me (even though your prayers and words of encouragement are so appreciated). It is simply my own way of personal therapy. And please don't think my infertility is on my mind "24-7-365-10-100" (that's for you, Dan, haha), so much of my life is happiness. How can I not be happy with Ella as my daughter and Aaron as my husband? And I am excited to share my daughter, my husband and myself with our loved ones this weekend. Family is so important when going through tough times, and even though words are sometimes not spoken about my infertility, just feeling the embrace of family's hugs and absorbing in the laughs and conversations helps. Family is so important, good times or bad, it is one of those constants, something that I can rely on.
Today brought sadness and disappointment, but there is always the hope of a better tomorrow. I know my time will come. God is good...all the time, God is good.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
Occasionally I take a glimpse at my life and meditate on if I am where I'm supposed to be. Have I become who I want to be? Everyone has to make sacrifices in order to maintain a livelihood (pay the bills, support the family, provide for oneself), but at what point do you say, "Enough is enough!"? Life should not have to be sacrificial, meaning, decisions in life shouldn't only be based on if they can provide food on the table, but if they can provide HAPPINESS. I never want to sacrifice happiness for anything, including financial stability, but it seems in order to be happy, I have to have a stable income.
Oh gosh, am I talking in circles here? I'm sorry if I am. I kinda feel like I'm going in circles everyday these days. Up and down, left and right - pulled in every direction. I'm constantly moving forward, but going nowhere at the same time. Most of these feelings result from not being pregnant, but as of the past few months, I'm started to struggle with if I'm at the right job. Not necessarily the right career, because I've always had a passion for law, but sometimes I find that I'm losing the zest at my current job. When spending 30 hours of my life each week doing something, I want it to be something that isn't only so I can make our mortgage payment, I want it to be something that I look forward to each day, as funny as that may sound (since who, really, looks forward to working?).
I also sometimes wonder if we are living where we are supposed to be. After we got married, we moved up to the Portland area (where Aaron is originally from), but 6 months after Ella was born, we moved down to Turlock where I grew up. And even though Turlock isn't a bad place, Aaron and I can't help but feel a tug in our hearts leading us to a different location. The Central Valley isn't a place where we want to raise our children - the crime rate, the unemployment rate, taxes, etc. are all higher here, so why would we want to stick around? But, because we are indebted to our home until the housing market changes, we are to remain here. We accept the way things are - it is out of our control, so why dwell on something that we cannot change (this can also apply towards our infertility). But, after having our best friends visit from Oregon this past week, it just reaffirmed how much we want to be up there with our loved ones, both friends and family. Our time will come, though. God always provides!
A Bible verse that touches on all this is, "We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance." (Romans 5:3, NLT). There is no trial that God doesn't place in our lives without purpose or necessity. Maybe I needed to move down here because otherwise I would've always questioned if Portland is where I wanted to be? Maybe my job is an interim to my dream job, and in the meantime, it is used to teach me, guide me and use me so that I become a smarter, stronger candidate for something in the future? Maybe me not getting pregnant is something God is using to bring me closer to Him, to lean on Him, listen to Him and live faithfully despite my pain? God's provision is not something to doubt.
So, with all that said and after listening to the song by Swtichfoot, "This is Your Life" (the inspiration for this blog), I am left feeling an urge to become better. To be a better mom to Ella, to be a better wife to Aaron, to be a better paralegal, to be a better homeowner. I need to take pride in the roles I am entrusted, instead of questioning why I'm not a mom to more than one child or why I'm not working at a different office or living in a different state. I need to loosen my controlling grip and allow God to demonstrate his calm, serene control on every aspect of my life. My infertility is no less something I can control than the housing market, so why do I feel like I can control it? I shall rest assured that everything I have and don't have is not of my choosing, but God's, and that concept alone can bring peace to anybody, right? It's just so funny how people (including myself) want to change things for the "better," but who is to say that what is currently happening in one's life isn't exactly what needs to happen? Each day serves it's purpose, regardless of if that day brings tears, defeat, joy or anger. The "If I had _______ [fill in the blank], I'd be much happier" mentality is hard to conquer, but it is something I'm trying to free myself of. If only it was that easy. Needless to say, I'm working on it!
Oh gosh, am I talking in circles here? I'm sorry if I am. I kinda feel like I'm going in circles everyday these days. Up and down, left and right - pulled in every direction. I'm constantly moving forward, but going nowhere at the same time. Most of these feelings result from not being pregnant, but as of the past few months, I'm started to struggle with if I'm at the right job. Not necessarily the right career, because I've always had a passion for law, but sometimes I find that I'm losing the zest at my current job. When spending 30 hours of my life each week doing something, I want it to be something that isn't only so I can make our mortgage payment, I want it to be something that I look forward to each day, as funny as that may sound (since who, really, looks forward to working?).
I also sometimes wonder if we are living where we are supposed to be. After we got married, we moved up to the Portland area (where Aaron is originally from), but 6 months after Ella was born, we moved down to Turlock where I grew up. And even though Turlock isn't a bad place, Aaron and I can't help but feel a tug in our hearts leading us to a different location. The Central Valley isn't a place where we want to raise our children - the crime rate, the unemployment rate, taxes, etc. are all higher here, so why would we want to stick around? But, because we are indebted to our home until the housing market changes, we are to remain here. We accept the way things are - it is out of our control, so why dwell on something that we cannot change (this can also apply towards our infertility). But, after having our best friends visit from Oregon this past week, it just reaffirmed how much we want to be up there with our loved ones, both friends and family. Our time will come, though. God always provides!
A Bible verse that touches on all this is, "We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance." (Romans 5:3, NLT). There is no trial that God doesn't place in our lives without purpose or necessity. Maybe I needed to move down here because otherwise I would've always questioned if Portland is where I wanted to be? Maybe my job is an interim to my dream job, and in the meantime, it is used to teach me, guide me and use me so that I become a smarter, stronger candidate for something in the future? Maybe me not getting pregnant is something God is using to bring me closer to Him, to lean on Him, listen to Him and live faithfully despite my pain? God's provision is not something to doubt.
So, with all that said and after listening to the song by Swtichfoot, "This is Your Life" (the inspiration for this blog), I am left feeling an urge to become better. To be a better mom to Ella, to be a better wife to Aaron, to be a better paralegal, to be a better homeowner. I need to take pride in the roles I am entrusted, instead of questioning why I'm not a mom to more than one child or why I'm not working at a different office or living in a different state. I need to loosen my controlling grip and allow God to demonstrate his calm, serene control on every aspect of my life. My infertility is no less something I can control than the housing market, so why do I feel like I can control it? I shall rest assured that everything I have and don't have is not of my choosing, but God's, and that concept alone can bring peace to anybody, right? It's just so funny how people (including myself) want to change things for the "better," but who is to say that what is currently happening in one's life isn't exactly what needs to happen? Each day serves it's purpose, regardless of if that day brings tears, defeat, joy or anger. The "If I had _______ [fill in the blank], I'd be much happier" mentality is hard to conquer, but it is something I'm trying to free myself of. If only it was that easy. Needless to say, I'm working on it!
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