I already knew, but hearing it still hurts

Deep down I knew the truth, but actually hearing Dr. Weckstein say the words brought the truth to another level.

The truth hurts.

A lot.

He said Aaron and I have a slim to no chance of conceiving naturally on our own.

I mean, I already knew that. But, I hadn't actually heard the words...out loud. I thought it. I felt it to be true. But, I still wanted to hold onto that very small chance that we'd have another miracle baby.

He then went on to explain Aaron's sperm quality. His exact words were, "His sperm is really not good."

I'd rather have him be straightforward with me, than to sugarcoat the truth, but it still hurts to hear the truth.

So, I cried. A lot.

And without Aaron there, I felt like a sobbing fool sitting in Dr. Weckstein's office office, awkwardly trying to control my tears, but unable to do so. Dr. Weckstein just kept saying, "I know, Bobbi. I know."

Do you really know, Dr. Weckstein? You do hundreds of IVFs every year and, to you, I'm likely just another statistic either in your favor or not. Another notch on his belt.

Okay, who am I kidding? I know he cares. He wouldn't be in the infertility business if he didn't want to help couples conceive, who would not otherwise be able to. He has a big heart. His warm eyes show that he cares.

Okay, back to Aaron's sperm...

As you know, Aaron had an extensive, very detailed semen analysis (SA) done a few months ago as standard pre-IVF protocol. You know, cross everything off the checklist before spending thousands of dollars that could possibly be unnecessary.

Anyway, that SA showed an amazing count, borderline motility (movement) and 99% abnormal morphology.

The day of my egg retrieval was also the day of Aaron's "relieval" (get it???). Another SA was performed on this sample, too, and it showed a count of 175 million (holy cow!), a motility of 10% less than the previous sample (sigh) and, again, 99% morphology.

Dr. Weckstein said the fact that the morphology was still 99% with this SA shows just how bad Aaron's sperm is. Why, you might ask?

Apparently, during the first SA, a dye is put on the sperm as a means to determine a very accurate morphology examination. This second SA did not use that dye because that kills the sperm, but his morphology still showed 99% abnormality.

But, still...1% of 175 million is what? 1.75 MILLION!!! Aaron has 1.75 million GOOD sperm during any given day. And, as the saying goes...it only takes one.

The bad ruin it for the good, though, and the fact that his guys aren't moving like they are supposed to throws in a whole other factor altogether.

So, even though Dr. Weckstein believes we have no chance of conceiving on our own, we're still going to try.

In fact, I'm ovulating today. And, deep down, I don't know how to not try, even with an impossible outcome, because when you want something so bad, you're willing to attempt even the impossible.

Acceptance

Acceptance.

That's all I have to say for right now.

Tomorrow is Supposed to be Different

Tomorrow is my consult with Dr. Weckstein to discuss our unsuccessful IVF cycle and our future FET cycle.

But, to me, tomorrow is still supposed to be the day we first get to see our babies.

Tomorrow is supposed to mark that I'm six weeks pregnant, halfway through my first trimester.

But, instead, tomorrow will bring yet another doctor's appointment without a peanut growing inside of me.

And, to top it off, Aaron has to work, so I'll be making the drive and meeting with Dr. Weckstein all alone. I really would like to have the emotional support of Aaron there, but he can't miss work.

Along with the consult, Dr. Weckstein will be performing a uterine sounding, which is generally performed prior to an embryo transfer to determine the uterine depth and how easily the catheter can pass through the cervix. Dr. Weckstein did just that before my transfer and supposedly "mapped out" how to get to my uterus, but then during the actual transfer, it took him a few tries to get to the uterus. Not so fun.

I guess to prevent that again, he's going in to do a practice round, but this time with an empty, embryo-free catheter. :(

I have a list of questions prepared for Dr. Weckstein to answer, varying from what potentially went wrong during the embryo transfer (see above!) and if that made a difference in our success to if we have any hope of conceiving naturally on our own.

From if there is anything Aaron can do to increase his sperm morphology to the standard protocol for a FET.

From the success rate for a FET to if we will be allowed to transfer all three of our frozen embryos.

From my estrogen and progesterone levels to Aaron possibly being referred to a reproductive urologist (yes, it'd be his turn to be poked and prodded by a doctor).

What is a reproductive urologist, you might ask? Well, a reproductive urologist helps a man find the cause of infertility, if any, with thorough testing, and assists to correct the infertility issue.

So, hopefully I come out of tomorrow's appointment feeling uplifted because, really, I could use a good pick me up.

I may not be there yet...

...but I'm closer than I was yesterday!

With the beginning of this New Year, I'm learning to live in the now, to take each day as it comes. Because, after all, each day does bring me closer to our baby.

Today was Ella's first day in her new ballet/tap class. She had a wonderful time and seeing her excitement brings so much happiness to our heavy hearts.

Our hearts are not only heavy from our unsuccessful IVF cycle, but also from the battle Aaron's dad is fighting against cancer. One day can be filled with hope and good news, but the next can be filled with worry and fear. It's a horrible roller coaster ride for all involved, but especially for my parents-in-law.

All we can do is pray and hope, and continue praising God in the storms of our lives.

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you" (Casting Crows - Praise You in this Storm).

At times, I feel like I'm constantly saying "Amen," constantly praying to God. I thought for sure by now that He would've wiped my tears away. That He would've brought us our baby. That He would've erased all cancer from my father-in-law's body.

And even though He hasn't answered my prayers, I will continue to praise Him in this storm, holding onto the faith that there will soon be a beautiful horizon.

And, until He does show me this beautiful horizon, I will take each day one day at a time, prayerfully and faithfully.

And, on that note, I will leave you with a couple pictures of our handsome pug, Bob. He's such a good boy!

I can't help but love that face. :)

My Resolve for 2011

This is the traditional post of my New Year's resolutions. I feel pushed to write this post because I want to document how I'm feeling at this point in my journey.

So much has happened this past year that I get overwhelmed just thinking about it. My surgeries, the drugs, the tests, the failed IUI and lastly, the failed IVF. It wasn't until we reached over 2 years of trying to conceive that it was discovered our infertility was a result of male infertility factor. With Aaron's sperm having 99% abnormal morphology, our only chance of conceiving is IVF (with ICSI). We were confident going into our first IVF cycle, but brokenhearted and numb coming out of it.

But, now that we know the cause of our infertility, we can move forward with certainty. I no longer need to have tests run on me. Everything checks out with me. And, for that, I'm thankful!

And even though everything checks out with me and all my women parts are doing what they are supposed to, so much of me still does not check out.

My soul is bruised.

My body is unrecognizable.

My mind is blurred.

So, for 2011, I resolve to fix all that. I resolve to:

Let go and let God. The only way to find peace as we continue on this journey is to stop trying to control what so clearly is not something I can control. My soul is bruised because I bring myself down. I don't allow peace to overcome me. I refuse to welcome God's plan to work in my life because it does not match with my plan for my life. So, the more I let go and let God, the more I will find peace and heal my bruised soul.

Lose My Infertility Weight. With all the drugs, injections, emotional eating, it's no wonder I'm ending 2010 heavier than going into it. I took too seriously refraining from exercising during each two-week wait (or should I say two-week "weight"?). I didn't want to interrupt possible implantation! With the lack of exercise during that time, eventually I just stopped exercising period. So, combine that with food being my friend, I gained weight.

And, even though my RE says I'm in a healthy range for IVF, I know my BMI is at the upper end of the range, so my goal is to lower my BMI before we move forward with our frozen embryo transfer. Our FET is our last shot, as I see it, because realistically, paying for another full IVF cycle (roughly $15,000) is just not realistic for us. So, I want to go into it feeling confident that we did everything we possibly could, physically and mentally, which brings me to my next resolution.

Redirect My Mind. My mind is my worst enemy. You would think infertility is my worst enemy, but it is how I perceive my infertility that is really haunting me. It has consumed me. I feel I've missed out on so much beauty because of this darned disease. My little Ella is not so little anymore and I can't believe for over half her life, I've been in this burdening funk of not getting pregnant. I hate to think I might've missed out on some wonderful times with her because I was too preoccupied in my personal battle, so this year, and all years to come, I'm going to make the strongest effort to focus on my beautiful miracle. After all, after learning about Aaron's sperm, she truly is our miracle. :)

My husband puts it best in this poem of his New Year's resolution...

I'm going to spend more of this next year thinking about now.
I'm going to spend more of next year thinking about today.
I'm going to spend more of this next year thinking about us.
And I have a lot to pray about, so this next year I'm going to pray.
There were so many weeks,
I just wanted the week to end.
There were so many weeks,
That the months just blend.
So I'm going to love my life.
I will love every moment.
I'm going to love my daughter and wife.
They are my souls component.
It's time to make some changes,
So let the new year roll,
To cherish every second I'm given?
2011 I'm livin' that goal.

Happy New Year, everybody! Lets make it a good one! :)