I Will Never Give Up

Even though this baby is not truly a "someone" yet, there is not a day that passes I don't think about him/her. I will never give up until this baby is in my arms. Be it naturally, through infertility treatment or adoption, I will never give up.

Only God knows when and how this baby will come to be, but I know our dream will come true.

Someday.

Somehow.

It will happen.

And until it does, I will not give up.

I Can't Get Enough of Her

I hope you all had a nice weekend! Spring is showings itself these days, bringing us to spend a lot of time outdoors. The three of us enjoy going to the college campus in town to walk around (or, in Ella's case, run around!). Aaron decided to bring his camera this time, and of course, took some classic pictures of Ella Bella.

And, really, how can my weekend be anything but wonderful when I get to spend it with this beautiful little girl.

Love Trumps Understanding

Nothing new to report over here. Tomorrow is my third day of Estrace, and I'm just keeping on the routine of taking two tablets in the morning and two at night (which has been amazingly hard to remember!) until my monitoring sonogram next Monday, at which point, my protocol may change a bit.

Tomorrow I also start the Estrace vaginal inserts. I haven't done these before, but I realize a lot of women having gone through ART cycles have, so I know I can do it! And, honestly, I'm willing to do anything to get pregnant! I think I've already proven that, though, haven't I? :)

I don't have any plans this weekend, other than enjoying time with Aaron and Ella. I love weekends where the only plans made are those of no plans!

Aaron is trying to keep me level (or, in other words...sane!). He's trying to read my emotions and keep me relaxed and happy. He, of all people, knows me so well and knows the roller coaster I'm on (up and down and up and down...).

(Photo courtesy of Google Images).

I overheard Aaron praying out loud (with the intention for me to hear) for God to help me remember that he's on this roller coaster, too. That I'm not alone. He makes me smile with his discreetly obvious efforts to get through to me. :)

And really, sometimes I forget that he wants this baby just as bad as me. Sometimes I forget that he's walking side-by-side with me on this journey.

And, when I remember that he's right there with me, I feel so much better. A weight is literally lifted off my shoulders and I feel release.

Aaron really helped me earlier this week as I was battling emotions. I want people to understand the pain I'm feeling, but yet, I feel powerless to gaining that understanding.

Aaron put it best...

He said that when a person goes overseas to fight in a war for a couple years and returns to the life waiting for him, there are expectations for him to crawl right back into where he left off. However, despite that the life he left two years back hasn't changed, his perception of life has. Two years at war took a hold of his heart and changed him.

He's a different person, whether the family and friends he returns home to can truly understand it. They can sympathize and quite possibly empathize with this change, but grasping a complete understanding of the new man may be near impossible.

That is how I feel an infertile woman is. Even though it's not an overseas war she is fighting, it is still an inner battle. And there is absolutely no way a woman can go through a couple years of infertility without being changed in some way. And this change is one that might not come with understanding from people that cannot truly relate.

I know the person I am today is not the person I was 2-1/2 years ago. The battle I've been fighting - the tears, the screams, the pain, the sadness - they have changed me into, quite possibly, someone who cannot fully be understood and related to. I'm still the same person, but infertility has made some deep changes in me. (And, I hope this goes without saying, but not all these changes are bad...some are very good!).

So, maybe, instead of looking to people for understanding as a means of feeling connected, I need to embrace the love they are openly giving me. Even though they cannot completely relate, it's okay! Because what they can give - love - is so much richer. Love has no criteria or condition upon which it is formed. It just is. And, although being understood is a good feeling, being loved trumps it by a mile.

It's Go Time! (Take 2)

My hopefully last period of 2011 has arrived. Right on time at that! (None of that nonsense like my last cycle).

Up until when my period started, I was still debating whether to postpone my FET another month or not. I kept talking myself out of it. But, with my hope outshining my fear, I have decided to go for it.

Aaron left the decision up to me. He has been unbelievably, selflessly supportive  - constantly saying the right thing in the right way at the right time for me. He knows how to get through to me and then he also knows when he needs to give me time to think, pray, process and then come to a decision on my own.

And the decision has been made!

Throughout my entire IVF cycle I was filled with hope. And with that cycle ending unsuccessfully, my hope shattered into a million pieces. Over the past couple months, I have been trying to glue the pieces together again...to find that hope once more. And, honestly, it wasn't until today that I found that last piece.

It felt hopeless to be hopeful again, but somehow I am full of hope all over again. I feel God's peace, the sweetest feeling that can turn any situation upside down.

And my heart has indeed turned upside down. Or, should I say, right side up? :)

So, tomorrow I start taking my Estrace tablets. And then I go in for blood work and a sonogram on Monday, March 14th, to make sure my estrogen and progesterone levels are within range and that my uterine lining is thick and ready for the babies. :)

I have a feeling this month is going to fly by.

Hope vs. Fear

I have an addictive personality. Aaron, being my psychologically-minded husband, has always pointed this out to me. When I like something, I like something A LOT! When I want something, I want something A LOT! When I don't like something, I don't like something A LOT! You get the picture.

Combining my addictive personality with my stubbornness makes it so that what I like/want/don't like becomes a bigger part of my life than necessary (or even healthy!).

As a result of this part of my personality, infertility has consumed me in a big way. I want a baby so bad that I eat, sleep and drink the idea of this baby. It didn't start out like this, though. I remember how fun and exciting it was when we first started trying to conceive our second child! My mind wasn't focused on if I was ovulating or not. It wasn't focused on anything related to getting pregnant, other than the excitement of when it'll happen. I was so convinced I was pregnant each month that I'd take home pregnancy tests, even before my period was due! I was so confident! I was so ready! But as the months turned into years, my mind shifted focus.

My readiness to have another baby turned into worry.

My addiction surfaced.

I became addicted to knowing everything I can know about infertility. What helps a couple conceive? What myths hold to be true? What are the statistics? What did "she" do to get pregnant? What if I try this? What if I eat this? What if I take these vitamins?

I searched for all those answers, but in October of last year, after over two years of focusing on me being the cause of infertility, we discovered Aaron's non-baby-making sperm is the problem and that we'd likely not conceive naturally again. Still breaks my heart (over and over again!) knowing this. :(

And, after receiving that news, my mind shifted. I forced to see the good in the situation, and although knowing the cause for our infertility is comforting, knowing the only answer to having a shot of getting pregnant is through spending thousands and thousands of dollars.

And so, my addiction ensues.

And I'm afraid this addiction will never stop until I have my baby. And that scares me because there's a chance (even though I'm afraid to admit it) that our family of three will remain a family of three.

I am constantly living in an emotional cycle of hope and fear. These two emotions are constantly battling inside me. Having hope definitely feels better and makes this journey so much easier, but fear always manages to creep into my mind.

When I have hope, my addiction subsides. Peace settles in where all the "what ifs?" once were. When I have fear, though, my addiction resurfaces. I research, I question, I doubt, I think (constantly). My thoughts consume me.

I need to stop thinking. I need to just be. I need to live an addiction-free life.