Panic attacks, anxiety, tears, screams, weight gain, hot flashes, psychotic episodes (yes, true statement) are all things I've had to deal with, along with my family, the past few months while on Clomid. This drug is absolutely awful! I've done a ton of research and although some women don't experience any side effects or just a couple, it seems I've experienced every possible one! This is going to be my last month on it, which brings me to our next news.
Aaron and I have decided to go through with the IUI this month. I've been so indecisive about it for the past couple months...going back and forth on whether it is something I wanted to do or not. Finally, Aaron spoke for me. He told me the truth that deep down I knew, but just didn't want to face. We both agreed that at this point, it is really the next step for us. Never in our wildest dreams did we think it'd come to this, but life is unpredictable and "un-perfect."
Not that the anticipation of having an IUI this week is enough, but Aaron will be finding out if he'll be asked back next year at his current teaching position. He has an evaluation today, which is the final determining factor if the Merced County Office of Education will hand him a contract for the next school year or a pink slip. I guess it wouldn't even be a pink slip, since there wouldn't be a "chance" that he will be asked back. That would be it...hook, line and sinker. Needless to say, we are on pins and needles.
There are some moments where we both feel confident about the events of this week. Aaron sometimes has a hop to his step, a twinkle to his smile and a tone to his voice, like he's got it in the bag. I mean, why wouldn't they ask him to come back? They aren't combining classrooms, they aren't eliminating the position...if he was let go, someone would be replacing him. And why would they replace the teacher that all of the students have gained to trust? A teacher that the parents have expressed time and time again that their kids love. A teacher that is professional and has a great working relationship with all his superiors and equals. See, there I go again...being confident on his behalf! But the truth of the reality is that he MAY not be asked back, and with the teacher market being the way it is, finding another teaching job may be near impossible.
And as far as the IUI goes, I've broken down in nervousness and fright, but hide it through a hopeful optimism. I cannot allow nerves and fear to take control of my body. I need to remain optimistic because I truly believe that stress has such a negative effect on one's body. The chances of the IUI working aren't that great...roughly 20-25%...but "it can be done, it will be done, it shall be done," in the words of my verbose husband.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Putting on a Happy Front
Today was hard. I think each month this day arrives, it progressively gets harder. And yes, you can imagine what "this day" means. Do I want to talk about it? No. Am I happy? Heck no. But will I be putting on a happy front? Yes.
Aaron, Ella and I are going to Portland this weekend for Aaron's brother's wedding. Whenever I'm around Aaron's family (now, my family), I'm happy. They all bring me so much joy, depth, happiness and love, but lately, I've been feeling like I have nothing to reciprocate with. The love I receive from others used to be something I can give right back. It's harder lately. It just goes to show that when you don't love yourself, loving others is a near impossible task. And even though I do love myself, I do not love my infertility. It makes me feel low, unworthy, incompetent and, above all else, not myself. My mom looks at me and knows I'm not myself and tiptoes around my moods. Aaron comes home from work and, even before saying anything, knows...he just knows. He knows my disappointment and heartache, forces a hug out of me and makes sure to look into my eyes and reassure me it'll be okay. But perhaps most importantly, he sees my determination and strength to being the best mom possible to Ella, despite my inner frustrations and letdowns.
This weekend, ideally, should be a fun weekend. Seeing family I don't see but a few times a year should be something I soak in with every bone in my body, every beat of my heart. And even though I do completely intend on doing so, there is still that void. A void that I wish would leave me completely, a void I wish I could control, but instead, it's a void that is negatively consuming me.
This blog is not meant for any one of you to feel sorry for me (even though your prayers and words of encouragement are so appreciated). It is simply my own way of personal therapy. And please don't think my infertility is on my mind "24-7-365-10-100" (that's for you, Dan, haha), so much of my life is happiness. How can I not be happy with Ella as my daughter and Aaron as my husband? And I am excited to share my daughter, my husband and myself with our loved ones this weekend. Family is so important when going through tough times, and even though words are sometimes not spoken about my infertility, just feeling the embrace of family's hugs and absorbing in the laughs and conversations helps. Family is so important, good times or bad, it is one of those constants, something that I can rely on.
Today brought sadness and disappointment, but there is always the hope of a better tomorrow. I know my time will come. God is good...all the time, God is good.
Aaron, Ella and I are going to Portland this weekend for Aaron's brother's wedding. Whenever I'm around Aaron's family (now, my family), I'm happy. They all bring me so much joy, depth, happiness and love, but lately, I've been feeling like I have nothing to reciprocate with. The love I receive from others used to be something I can give right back. It's harder lately. It just goes to show that when you don't love yourself, loving others is a near impossible task. And even though I do love myself, I do not love my infertility. It makes me feel low, unworthy, incompetent and, above all else, not myself. My mom looks at me and knows I'm not myself and tiptoes around my moods. Aaron comes home from work and, even before saying anything, knows...he just knows. He knows my disappointment and heartache, forces a hug out of me and makes sure to look into my eyes and reassure me it'll be okay. But perhaps most importantly, he sees my determination and strength to being the best mom possible to Ella, despite my inner frustrations and letdowns.
This weekend, ideally, should be a fun weekend. Seeing family I don't see but a few times a year should be something I soak in with every bone in my body, every beat of my heart. And even though I do completely intend on doing so, there is still that void. A void that I wish would leave me completely, a void I wish I could control, but instead, it's a void that is negatively consuming me.
This blog is not meant for any one of you to feel sorry for me (even though your prayers and words of encouragement are so appreciated). It is simply my own way of personal therapy. And please don't think my infertility is on my mind "24-7-365-10-100" (that's for you, Dan, haha), so much of my life is happiness. How can I not be happy with Ella as my daughter and Aaron as my husband? And I am excited to share my daughter, my husband and myself with our loved ones this weekend. Family is so important when going through tough times, and even though words are sometimes not spoken about my infertility, just feeling the embrace of family's hugs and absorbing in the laughs and conversations helps. Family is so important, good times or bad, it is one of those constants, something that I can rely on.
Today brought sadness and disappointment, but there is always the hope of a better tomorrow. I know my time will come. God is good...all the time, God is good.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
Occasionally I take a glimpse at my life and meditate on if I am where I'm supposed to be. Have I become who I want to be? Everyone has to make sacrifices in order to maintain a livelihood (pay the bills, support the family, provide for oneself), but at what point do you say, "Enough is enough!"? Life should not have to be sacrificial, meaning, decisions in life shouldn't only be based on if they can provide food on the table, but if they can provide HAPPINESS. I never want to sacrifice happiness for anything, including financial stability, but it seems in order to be happy, I have to have a stable income.
Oh gosh, am I talking in circles here? I'm sorry if I am. I kinda feel like I'm going in circles everyday these days. Up and down, left and right - pulled in every direction. I'm constantly moving forward, but going nowhere at the same time. Most of these feelings result from not being pregnant, but as of the past few months, I'm started to struggle with if I'm at the right job. Not necessarily the right career, because I've always had a passion for law, but sometimes I find that I'm losing the zest at my current job. When spending 30 hours of my life each week doing something, I want it to be something that isn't only so I can make our mortgage payment, I want it to be something that I look forward to each day, as funny as that may sound (since who, really, looks forward to working?).
I also sometimes wonder if we are living where we are supposed to be. After we got married, we moved up to the Portland area (where Aaron is originally from), but 6 months after Ella was born, we moved down to Turlock where I grew up. And even though Turlock isn't a bad place, Aaron and I can't help but feel a tug in our hearts leading us to a different location. The Central Valley isn't a place where we want to raise our children - the crime rate, the unemployment rate, taxes, etc. are all higher here, so why would we want to stick around? But, because we are indebted to our home until the housing market changes, we are to remain here. We accept the way things are - it is out of our control, so why dwell on something that we cannot change (this can also apply towards our infertility). But, after having our best friends visit from Oregon this past week, it just reaffirmed how much we want to be up there with our loved ones, both friends and family. Our time will come, though. God always provides!
A Bible verse that touches on all this is, "We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance." (Romans 5:3, NLT). There is no trial that God doesn't place in our lives without purpose or necessity. Maybe I needed to move down here because otherwise I would've always questioned if Portland is where I wanted to be? Maybe my job is an interim to my dream job, and in the meantime, it is used to teach me, guide me and use me so that I become a smarter, stronger candidate for something in the future? Maybe me not getting pregnant is something God is using to bring me closer to Him, to lean on Him, listen to Him and live faithfully despite my pain? God's provision is not something to doubt.
So, with all that said and after listening to the song by Swtichfoot, "This is Your Life" (the inspiration for this blog), I am left feeling an urge to become better. To be a better mom to Ella, to be a better wife to Aaron, to be a better paralegal, to be a better homeowner. I need to take pride in the roles I am entrusted, instead of questioning why I'm not a mom to more than one child or why I'm not working at a different office or living in a different state. I need to loosen my controlling grip and allow God to demonstrate his calm, serene control on every aspect of my life. My infertility is no less something I can control than the housing market, so why do I feel like I can control it? I shall rest assured that everything I have and don't have is not of my choosing, but God's, and that concept alone can bring peace to anybody, right? It's just so funny how people (including myself) want to change things for the "better," but who is to say that what is currently happening in one's life isn't exactly what needs to happen? Each day serves it's purpose, regardless of if that day brings tears, defeat, joy or anger. The "If I had _______ [fill in the blank], I'd be much happier" mentality is hard to conquer, but it is something I'm trying to free myself of. If only it was that easy. Needless to say, I'm working on it!
Oh gosh, am I talking in circles here? I'm sorry if I am. I kinda feel like I'm going in circles everyday these days. Up and down, left and right - pulled in every direction. I'm constantly moving forward, but going nowhere at the same time. Most of these feelings result from not being pregnant, but as of the past few months, I'm started to struggle with if I'm at the right job. Not necessarily the right career, because I've always had a passion for law, but sometimes I find that I'm losing the zest at my current job. When spending 30 hours of my life each week doing something, I want it to be something that isn't only so I can make our mortgage payment, I want it to be something that I look forward to each day, as funny as that may sound (since who, really, looks forward to working?).
I also sometimes wonder if we are living where we are supposed to be. After we got married, we moved up to the Portland area (where Aaron is originally from), but 6 months after Ella was born, we moved down to Turlock where I grew up. And even though Turlock isn't a bad place, Aaron and I can't help but feel a tug in our hearts leading us to a different location. The Central Valley isn't a place where we want to raise our children - the crime rate, the unemployment rate, taxes, etc. are all higher here, so why would we want to stick around? But, because we are indebted to our home until the housing market changes, we are to remain here. We accept the way things are - it is out of our control, so why dwell on something that we cannot change (this can also apply towards our infertility). But, after having our best friends visit from Oregon this past week, it just reaffirmed how much we want to be up there with our loved ones, both friends and family. Our time will come, though. God always provides!
A Bible verse that touches on all this is, "We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance." (Romans 5:3, NLT). There is no trial that God doesn't place in our lives without purpose or necessity. Maybe I needed to move down here because otherwise I would've always questioned if Portland is where I wanted to be? Maybe my job is an interim to my dream job, and in the meantime, it is used to teach me, guide me and use me so that I become a smarter, stronger candidate for something in the future? Maybe me not getting pregnant is something God is using to bring me closer to Him, to lean on Him, listen to Him and live faithfully despite my pain? God's provision is not something to doubt.
So, with all that said and after listening to the song by Swtichfoot, "This is Your Life" (the inspiration for this blog), I am left feeling an urge to become better. To be a better mom to Ella, to be a better wife to Aaron, to be a better paralegal, to be a better homeowner. I need to take pride in the roles I am entrusted, instead of questioning why I'm not a mom to more than one child or why I'm not working at a different office or living in a different state. I need to loosen my controlling grip and allow God to demonstrate his calm, serene control on every aspect of my life. My infertility is no less something I can control than the housing market, so why do I feel like I can control it? I shall rest assured that everything I have and don't have is not of my choosing, but God's, and that concept alone can bring peace to anybody, right? It's just so funny how people (including myself) want to change things for the "better," but who is to say that what is currently happening in one's life isn't exactly what needs to happen? Each day serves it's purpose, regardless of if that day brings tears, defeat, joy or anger. The "If I had _______ [fill in the blank], I'd be much happier" mentality is hard to conquer, but it is something I'm trying to free myself of. If only it was that easy. Needless to say, I'm working on it!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Living Life Intentionally
Aaron and I have been committing a lot of time to our yards lately. This Spring weather keeps my family and I outdoors literally all day long, and Aaron is very excited because, after 3 years of living at this house, he is FINALLY getting around to sprucing up our yards. He's been very patient with allowing me to get things done INSIDE our house, and now he's eager to get going on the yards. I think gardening is very therapeutic and calming for him, something to help him unwind after a long day at work.
I don't really consider myself much of a "gardener." I could do without getting dirt under my nails, raking leaves and pulling weeds, but being outdoors all day has been very therapeutic for me as well. Breathing in the fresh air, feeling the cool breeze and warm sunshine all help keep my mind on the present - being intentional in breathing each breath fully and with purpose, being intentional in how I spend my time with Ella, being intentional in respecting Aaron and making my relationship with him a priority. Sluggishly getting through the day, rather than treating the day as the gift that it really is, is not something I will personally allow myself to do. That is not something I want to demonstrate to Ella. Ella looks to me to show her the beauty of this life and all the possibilities, and I refuse to lazily take on such a task.
Even so, being happy, the true, I-can't-stop-smiling, all-consuming happy, is something I haven't wholeheartedly felt for awhile now. Not to say that I'm not happy, because I am. I have a lot to be happy about, but there is still that void...that huge infertile void. But, with Spring in the air, I am feeling much better! This season is all about beauty, growth and renewal, and I hope that my faith in God and His plan for my life will reflect such characteristics. Spring is also the season of birth, so along those lines, I hope and pray that God will bless us with a pregnancy.
But until God does bless us with a second pregnancy, I will continue to consciously make an effort to change my attitude. As Scott Hamilton said, "The worst disability in life is a bad attitude." There are things in life that cannot be controlled (getting pregnant!), but the attitude to which I get through these unprecedented difficult times is so important. If I have a negative attitude about it, my body (stress, anxiety, etc.), my relationships and my family suffer. But, if I keep myself in check, if I intentionally change my attitude and how I live each day, then all elements of my life should fall into place as they should.
I don't really consider myself much of a "gardener." I could do without getting dirt under my nails, raking leaves and pulling weeds, but being outdoors all day has been very therapeutic for me as well. Breathing in the fresh air, feeling the cool breeze and warm sunshine all help keep my mind on the present - being intentional in breathing each breath fully and with purpose, being intentional in how I spend my time with Ella, being intentional in respecting Aaron and making my relationship with him a priority. Sluggishly getting through the day, rather than treating the day as the gift that it really is, is not something I will personally allow myself to do. That is not something I want to demonstrate to Ella. Ella looks to me to show her the beauty of this life and all the possibilities, and I refuse to lazily take on such a task.
Even so, being happy, the true, I-can't-stop-smiling, all-consuming happy, is something I haven't wholeheartedly felt for awhile now. Not to say that I'm not happy, because I am. I have a lot to be happy about, but there is still that void...that huge infertile void. But, with Spring in the air, I am feeling much better! This season is all about beauty, growth and renewal, and I hope that my faith in God and His plan for my life will reflect such characteristics. Spring is also the season of birth, so along those lines, I hope and pray that God will bless us with a pregnancy.
But until God does bless us with a second pregnancy, I will continue to consciously make an effort to change my attitude. As Scott Hamilton said, "The worst disability in life is a bad attitude." There are things in life that cannot be controlled (getting pregnant!), but the attitude to which I get through these unprecedented difficult times is so important. If I have a negative attitude about it, my body (stress, anxiety, etc.), my relationships and my family suffer. But, if I keep myself in check, if I intentionally change my attitude and how I live each day, then all elements of my life should fall into place as they should.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Dear God, I’m Listening
After a wonderful weekend at my parents' cabin, I feel more relaxed and more at peace. Aaron, Ella and I greatly needed some time away from reality. Children are a reflection of their parents. The parents' goals, choices, lifestyles, personalities and feelings all pass onto their children, either purposely or accidentally. The most important lessons a child learns are CAUGHT, not TAUGHT. I believe Ella senses our moods, and even though we try our hardest to hide our worries and stresses from her, she can't help but sense things. She's a very empathetic little girl.
A part of that stress is Aaron's job. Pink slips are being handed out, and we're not sure whether or not he's going to be asked to come back next year. Because he's teaching under an internship, his superiors have until May 1st to decide. Until then, we are hoping and praying he's asked back! As you all know, there aren't that many other jobs right now, and because there are so many cuts, there will be a ton of teachers fighting for the few positions that are available. I have such confidence in Aaron, though. He succeeds in everything he puts his mind to. He has devoted a lot of time and energy to this class and I know his superiors will see it! They better, or they'll have an angry wife to deal with! An angry wife on Clomid, at that! Watch out world!
Another stress is deciding whether or not to have an IUI done this cycle. Aaron has left the decision up to me. We listen to each other, say what we need to say, but in the end, he knows that it will be my choice and he says he will be 100% supportive of my decision regardless of the direction my heart takes me. This reminds me...while driving up to the cabin, we were listening to an oldies station (yes, reception was bad!), and the song, "Listen to Your Heart" by Roxette came on. The chorus goes:
"Listen to your heart
when [H]e's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell [H]im goodbye."
While listening to the song, Aaron and I were holding hands and he turned to me and said, "I'm dedicating this song to you." I looked at him confused, "But I'm not telling you goodbye, hun!" His response, "Him as in God." He knows my faith is struggling with this infertility, but Aaron, in the sweetest possible way, reminded me to keep my faith strong and to not allow myself to forget about God in all of this. I love you, babe!
As you can well guess, I've been doing a lot of praying and thinking this past week and it'll go on into next week (when I ovulate). Even though I trust God and His perfect timing, do I continue waiting for Him to bless me with a second child? Or, do I put some trust in my doctor, too? Medicine is used to do wondrous things. Doctors are able to perform procedures, such as the IUI. I'm struggling with what God wants us to do. There is no known "problem" with either Aaron or me, and we were able to conceive Ella just fine, so a part of me wants to just wait. But, the other part of me knows how long I've waited and it's time to be proactive and do what needs to be done!
God, I'm listening!
A part of that stress is Aaron's job. Pink slips are being handed out, and we're not sure whether or not he's going to be asked to come back next year. Because he's teaching under an internship, his superiors have until May 1st to decide. Until then, we are hoping and praying he's asked back! As you all know, there aren't that many other jobs right now, and because there are so many cuts, there will be a ton of teachers fighting for the few positions that are available. I have such confidence in Aaron, though. He succeeds in everything he puts his mind to. He has devoted a lot of time and energy to this class and I know his superiors will see it! They better, or they'll have an angry wife to deal with! An angry wife on Clomid, at that! Watch out world!
Another stress is deciding whether or not to have an IUI done this cycle. Aaron has left the decision up to me. We listen to each other, say what we need to say, but in the end, he knows that it will be my choice and he says he will be 100% supportive of my decision regardless of the direction my heart takes me. This reminds me...while driving up to the cabin, we were listening to an oldies station (yes, reception was bad!), and the song, "Listen to Your Heart" by Roxette came on. The chorus goes:
"Listen to your heart
when [H]e's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell [H]im goodbye."
While listening to the song, Aaron and I were holding hands and he turned to me and said, "I'm dedicating this song to you." I looked at him confused, "But I'm not telling you goodbye, hun!" His response, "Him as in God." He knows my faith is struggling with this infertility, but Aaron, in the sweetest possible way, reminded me to keep my faith strong and to not allow myself to forget about God in all of this. I love you, babe!
As you can well guess, I've been doing a lot of praying and thinking this past week and it'll go on into next week (when I ovulate). Even though I trust God and His perfect timing, do I continue waiting for Him to bless me with a second child? Or, do I put some trust in my doctor, too? Medicine is used to do wondrous things. Doctors are able to perform procedures, such as the IUI. I'm struggling with what God wants us to do. There is no known "problem" with either Aaron or me, and we were able to conceive Ella just fine, so a part of me wants to just wait. But, the other part of me knows how long I've waited and it's time to be proactive and do what needs to be done!
God, I'm listening!
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