Is This My Calling?

Since beginning my blog over a year ago, I've received a ton of positive feedback - both in regards to the journey I've been on and in regards to my writing. Lots of people have even gone so far to encourage me to write a book.

Me?

Write a book?

I have honestly never considered myself to be an amazing writer. I think I have the fundamentals of grammar down. I think I put punctuation where it belongs. I think I am able to convey my message accurately. I think a lot of things about my writing style, most of which are self-critiquing.

However, one thing I am confident about is the ability to write from my heart. I feel what I write, and through that, I think there may be potential to write a book.

Oprah inspired me by what she said on her last show.

"What I knew for sure from this experience with you is that we are all called. Everybody has a calling, and your real job in life is to figure out what that is and get about the business of doing it. Every time we have seen a person on this stage who is a success in their life, they spoke of the job, and they spoke of the juice that they receive from doing what they knew they were meant to be doing. We saw it in the volunteers who rocked abandoned babies in Atlanta. We saw it with those lovely pie ladies from Cape Cod making those delicious potpies. … We saw it every time Tina Turner, Celine, Bocelli or Lady Gaga lit up the stage with their passion. Because that is what a calling is. It lights you up and it lets you know that you are exactly where you’re supposed to be, doing exactly what you’re supposed to be doing. And that is what I want for all of you and hope that you will take from this show. To live from the heart of yourself. You have to make a living; I understand that. But you also have to know what sparks the light in you so that you, in your own way, can illuminate the world." ~ Oprah

God works in mysterious ways. He instilled within me such a deep desire to be a mom. And, yet withheld from allowing that desire to be immediately fulfilled. God knew that bringing infertility into my life would open my eyes and heart to so much more had this battle never existed for me.

I always told Aaron, even before becoming pregnant, that I felt God unveiled a big part of His plan for me through our infertility. I would not have started this blog, my faith would not have grown, I would not have this want (no...need!) to help fellow infertile women. Heck, I would not even know infertility existed! I had no idea so many couples battle this disease everyday, until we were one of those couples. I was so blind. So ignorant. So sheltered from such pain.

And it is through this pain that I found my calling.

(Photo courtesy of Google Images).

Some people immediately know their calling in life. Some people have to go through specific life circumstances to find it. Some people may never find it. I'm lucky enough to have found it.

I truly believe my calling is to inspire, to love on, to educate, to cry with and to be a beacon of hope for infertile couples out there. And, I believe this blog has given me a wonderful tool to do so...for now.

But, how much bigger does God want to take this?

Maybe someday He will lead me to write a book.

Until then, I will continue doing what I love...and that is blogging! :)

Hug A Little Longer

Following the unthinkable devastation the tornadoes left behind this past week, my eyes can't help but open up to how beautiful and blessed my life is. My gosh, imagine losing your entire home, not to mention friends and family, in the blink of an eye! Bam! Someone's life can fall apart just like that.

I'm sure most of you have heard about the pregnant mom and her three young kids sheltering themselves in a bathtub. The tornado was too big and the winds too fierce to keep them safe. The family was swept apart, separated from their mom's arms.

Two of the three children died. One remains in critical condition.

Imagine the emotions this mom and dad (who was away when the storm hit) are going through. Just imagine! Every time I think about these poor children, and all the innocent victims this storm took, my heart yearns for my family. I just want to hug them. Forever.

I want to indefinitely squeeze Ella. Never letting go. I want to hug my strong Aaron and never, ever pull away.

They are my world.

They are my everything.

So much emphasis in this world is put on material items. Cars, houses, electronics, clothes, but those are meaningless and disposable. A car can be crushed like a soda can in a storm. A house shredded to its bare foundation.

And although losing a home and possessions is an unfathomably scary idea, the mere thought of losing my family leaves a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach, a lump in my throat and swelling tears in my eyes.

I am so very sad for all the homeless families who are mourning the loss of loved ones after this past week's storms. I'm sure every single one of them would do anything for one last hug, one last "I love you," one last look into their loved ones' eyes.

And, here I can put this laptop down, and go into Ella's bedroom where she is sleeping, and see her. Smell her. Embrace her. Kiss her rosy cheeks. Whisper sweet nothings into her dreams.

I can put this laptop down and go snuggle against Aaron, having him hug me back.

I can put this laptop down and go to sleep in my warm bed with a solid roof over my head, knowing my loved ones are safe.

And all of that can be taken away in the blink of an eye.

I will never, ever take for granted what God has so graciously blessed me with. I know that I am immeasurably blessed. And, I will continue to pray for all the families torn apart and all the shattered lives that are trying to rebuild.

12 Weeks

How Far Along: 12 weeks. I'm still trying to figure out if this marks the end of the first trimester. Any thoughts?

Size of Baby: He/she is the size of a plum! :)

Picture of Baby: None this week. My next ultrasound is scheduled for Monday, June 6th.

12 Weeks: The most dramatic development this week: reflexes. Baby Johnson's fingers will soon begin to open and close, his/her toes will curl, his/her eye muscles will clench, and his/her mouth will make sucking movements. In fact, if I prod my abdomen, Baby Johnson will squirm in response. His/Her intestines, which have grown so fast that they protrude into the umbilical cord, will start to move into his/her abdominal cavity about now, and his/her kidneys will begin excreting urine into his/her bladder.

Meanwhile, nerve cells are multiplying rapidly, and in Baby Johnson's brain, synapses are forming furiously. His/her face looks unquestionably human: His/Her eyes have moved from the sides to the front of his head, and his/her ears are right where they should be. From crown to rump, Baby Johnson is just over 2 inches long and weighs half an ounce. (Information from BabyCenter's website).

Maternity Clothes: Need. To. Buy. STAT.

Weight Gain: Still down about five pounds. Baby bump is growing, though.

Belly Pic: Not right now.

Stretch Marks: None from this pregnancy...yet!

Sleep: Gotta have it! It's hit and miss, though. Some nights I sleep soundly, other nights I'm super restless. I'm getting up at least twice a night to pee, even after eliminating fluid intake after dinner.

Best Moment of the Week: Going to my parents' cabin with Aaron and Ella. Simply soaking in the beauty of life while enjoying being a family of three and looking forward to the blessing to come. God is good.

Movement: I can seriously think of a handful of times where I felt the tickle / flutter. I'm really convinced I'm actually feeling the baby move already. Makes this mama very happy!

Symptoms: My nausea is kinda getting better, but every time I think that, it slaps me in the face and tells me, "I'm not leaving yet!" I feel the need to throw up every morning, but don't eat anything (until I'm feeling better at work), so I spend a lot of my morning "dry heaving" into the kitchen sink. Gross, I know. And, my nausea comes back at night, with most nights ending with a big bang (throwing up episode). Gotta love it!

Food Cravings: Nothing stands out this week. I'm craving water / apple juice / lemonade. So, I guess you can say I've been thirsty this past week.

Gender: Can't wait to find out! :) We have names picked out for both genders.

What I Miss: I miss feeling comfortable laying on my stomach at night. I haven't slept on my stomach for weeks out of fear of messing things up (I know, ridiculous fear!), but now I can't lay on my stomach because it's uncomfortble.

What I'm Looking Forward to: The "energetic" trimester to begin.

Weekly Wisdom: Don't eat expired food. As I said above, we went to my parents' cabin. I ate panckes and unknowingly ate 4-year expired syrup and thought something tasted a little off. After Aaron pointed out it was very expired, I ran like the speed of light to the bathroom. Luckily, I made it.

Milestones: Am I in the second trimester? If so, that is a true milestone. :)

Emotions: Grateful.

To Test or Not to Test

Obviously, I'm not talking about peeing on a stick here. :)

I'm talking about testing for birth defects.

At my last OB-GYN appointment, Aaron and I were presented with the choice of pursuing birth defect testing. The first blood draw has to be between 10 weeks and 13 weeks and 6 days. The second blood draw has to be between 15 and 20 weeks of pregnancy. The two blood test results are then combined and we are given our baby's risk assessments for down syndrome, trisomy 18, neural tube defects (such as spina bifida), etc.

With Ella, we were also given the choice to pursue testing, and we opted not to. We had no worries whatsoever.

And, really, this time around I don't have any worries.

But, at the same time, I sure would love to do the testing and have everything come back fine.

But, what if it didn't? Aaron and I would not consider aborting our baby. No way, no how! Our doctor said it's good to know in advance to mentally prepare ourselves, rather than waiting the day of our baby's birth to find out something is "off."

Even though I agree with that idea, I am a firm believer that this baby is a gift from God. He is entrusting us to be this child's parents. Be it a boy or a girl, mentally healthy or not, it is the child God intended for us to raise in this family. I don't need to mentally prepare myself for that.

Plus, the statistics are very low.

According to March of Dimes, the following statistics hold:

• At age 25, the risk of having a baby with Down syndrome is 1 in 1,250.
• At age 30, the risk is 1 in 1,000.
• At age 35, the risk is 1 in 400.
• At age 40, the risk is 1 in 100.
• At age 45, the risk is 1 in 30.

I'm 27 years old.

Trisomy 18 is a harder pill to swallow. Children born with Trisomy 18 suffer severe mental retardation, heart defects and other health problems. They usually die early on: 30% by 1 month of age, 50% by 2 months of age and 90% die by 12 months of age. Sad, huh?

But, it is still not my place to "terminate" a life. Only God can give life and take life away.

My OB-GYN was such a strong advocate for testing - it made me second guess myself! He told me based on this ultrasound, he does not see any red flags, but that he always tells his patients to test. Well, we'll see if this patient decides to! :)

And, if you recall, I had some testing done before my IVF cycle, and it was determined that I am a carrier for cystic fibrosis. That came as quite a shock! Aaron did preliminary testing, and thank God, he is NOT a carrier.

However, because insurance wouldn't cover the more extensive testing and we were already forking out thousands of dollars for infertility treatment, we chose not to pursue the more extensive testing. Our doctor told us that given that I'm a carrier and Aaron's preliminary testing was fine but further testing wasn't done, we have a 1 in 500 chance of having a kid with cystic fibrosis.

Yet some more numbers to worry about.

I refuse to live in fear for the next six months, though. There are always scary statistics to throw at vulnerable people, especially pregnant women. Heck, each of us carry a statistic over our heads every time we get in our car.

So, even though our minds aren't completely made up on birth defect testing, writing this post helped me see where I really stand. Thank you for listening. :)

11 Weeks

How Far Along: I don't know how it's possible, but I'm already 11 weeks along!

Size of Baby: He/she is the size of a lime! I smiled when I passed the limes in the produce section this week. :)

Picture of Baby: None this week. My next ultrasound is scheduled for Monday, June 6th.

11 Weeks: Baby Johnson, about 2 inches long, is now almost fully formed. His/Her hands will soon open and close into fists, tiny tooth buds are beginning to appear under his/her gums, and some of his/her bones are beginning to harden.  He/She is already busy kicking and stretching, and his/her tiny movements are so effortless they look like water ballet. These movements will become more frequent as his/her body grows and becomes more developed and functional. I won't feel your baby's acrobatics for another month or two — nor will you notice the hiccupping that may be happening now that his/her diaphragm is forming. (Information from BabyCenter's website).

Maternity Clothes: Still need to get more. I know, I lied about getting some last weekend. I just didn't get around to it!

Weight Gain: Same as before.

Belly Pic: No belly pic this week. Not enough of a change to document.

Stretch Marks: None from this pregnancy...yet!

Sleep: I love it, but this past week my sleep was intermittent and not too enjoyable. I'd have to pee, then I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep. And, I consistently woke up at 4:00 a.m., and didn't fall back asleep until Aaron's alarm went off!

Best Moment of the Week: Hmmmm...there was no true pregnancy highlight this week. I believe I felt the baby move this morning because I felt a tickle / flutter right where the baby is that lasted 15 seconds or so. And, the only reason I would recognize this sensation is because I've been pregnant before. I remember Ella's first movements feeling similar. I realize it's really early, but hey...you never know! :)

Movement: Read above.

Symptoms: Energy is slowly coming back. I don't remember being this energy-less with my first pregnancy, but I think it's because I didn't have a 4-year old to keep up with then. The main symptom I'm still experiencing is nausea and throwing up. I can just think about tasting or smelling something and I will throw up. Aaron calls it, "Throw up on demand." He thinks it's so funny that he brought something to my mind last night, and I literally ran to the kitchen sing and threw up a bit. Also, one morning at work, I spent a good portion of the morning running back and forth from my office to the bathroom. Thank goodness I work in a small office with a bathroom nearby! :)

Food Cravings: Corn dogs. I don't know why.

Gender: Can't wait to find out! :) We have names picked out for both genders.

What I Miss: Coffee! While making my boss coffee in the morning, the smell totally reminds me of how much I miss my morning cup of coffee.

What I'm Looking Forward to: A day without throwing up once. Has yet to happen since I've been about 5 weeks pregnant.

Weekly Wisdom: Even when craving a food that you just gotta have, chances are you won't be able to finish it and you'll just throw it up. :)

Milestones: I'm just feeling really good about this pregnancy, and each day that passes brings me one day closer to meeting our child! I'm just so excited!

Emotions: Happy and tired, but mostly happy. :)