If you want to give God a good laugh, tell him your plans!
Seriously.
Plans never go as...well...planned. Life is just a big bundle of unpredictability. Amen?
I had my "6-week" postpartum appointment yesterday. Obviously, it was more like my 8-week postpartum appointment because my appointment kept getting bounced back. My OB-GYN is a very busy, very popular doctor.
Speaking of which, when I got there, almost every single seat in the waiting room was taken. My doctor had a delivery, so every appointment was delayed 1-1/2 to 2 hours. Fun. Especially since I brought Tristan with me! Luckily, he slept most of the time. :)
It was really hard, though, being surrounded by so many pregnant women. There were six in total, not including the ones that walked in after me. I don't know when I will be able to look at a pregnant woman without that twinge. Not necessarily of jealousy, but of sadness. Sadness to know that I will likely never be pregnant again.
I struck up a conversation with a cute college-aged girl with her mom (her husband was in class). She was 36 weeks along. She immediately started talking about her next pregnancy. I didn't want to tell her there are no guarantees in life, and although she plans to get pregnant right away because she "wants her kids to be close in age," it may not happen. I didn't want to divulge my story to her, so I just smiled.
Once I met with my doctor, he began to tell me about the delivery (if you can call it that) he had earlier that afternoon.
"The baby cost them $30,000 and they lost it."
My heart absolutely sunk to the pit of my stomach. "IVF, obviously?"
"Yes, and they lost the baby at 20 weeks."
There are no guarantees in life.
He then quickly checked my incision line and asked about what birth control I'm going to be on.
When I told him I'm not going on birth control, he completely questioned my decision. I reminded him that Tristan was an IVF baby.
"Do you have your ovaries, tubes and uterus?"
"Yes."
"Does your husband have sperm?"
"Yes, but not very good sperm at all."
Long pause.
"I'll see you in six months for your papsmear and you'll be pregnant."
I have to admit. The thought of his prediction coming true got my heart to race a bit. I'd love to be pregnant again. I'd love to add another child to this family. My heart is so limitless for kids.
So, I guess we'll just have to wait and see what God has in store for this family. We're not going to try, but we're not going to not try. After unsuccessfully getting pregnant the natural way for over 2-1/2 years, it just seems silly and unnecessary to go on birth control, ya know?
There are no guarantees in life.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
You Smile, I Smile
My little man has one big smile. I have countless videos of him showing off his toothless grin, but this video is likely my favorite (so far!). Enjoy! :)
Monday, January 23, 2012
I Can Talk the Talk, but I Can't Walk the Walk
Breastfeeding.
Oh, breastfeeding.
I had big, big plans. Big plans to solely breastfeed until Tristan was six months old. I was going to pump up a grandiose supply of breast milk for Tristan to enjoy beyond those six months, or for Aaron to bottle feed Tristan while I'm at work.
As you can see...big plans!
Big plans that fell through.
For some reason, breastfeeding with Ella was easier. I was able to do it much longer than with Tristan.
I think a big part being that Ella was my one and only. I also was not working. So, every minute of everyday was devoted to her, which made breastfeeding not as challenging.
But, I'll admit, it was very difficult for me this time around.
I started out with big hopes and solely fed Tristan breast milk until he was hospitalized for jaundice and my doctor ordered that I supplement with formula (for the Vitamin D). From that point on, I breastfed while supplementing with formula.
Tristan started preferring the bottle. It takes a lot less work for the baby to feed from a bottle than the boob, and even though he would latch onto me, it had become a comfort thing where he would just immediately fall asleep. He'd then wake up hungry, I'd try and feed him again, but then he'd fall asleep. Such had become the nighttime drill, so I started pumping in the middle of the night to feed him a bottle, but who in their right mind wants to pump, which is already as un-fun as it gets, at 2:00 in the morning? I did that for awhile, but it started making my nighttime feedings overwhelming for me.
I would breastfeed during the day, but for whatever reason, this time around it just wasn't my thing.
So, I told Aaron that I wanted to ween Tristan off from breastfeeding and just formula feed him.
He was very surprised, since I had talked such a big talk to how I was so excited to breastfeed. But, walking the walk is serving to be more difficult than I expected, and I didn't want this expectation I put on myself to negatively affect me.
And, even though it may be awful to admit, I feel a sense of relief now that I'm not breastfeeding. Whenever I go somewhere, I don't have to worry about leaking. I don't leak on the sheets at night or wake up with huge wet circles on my shirt. I don't feel the pain from fullness that I'd get if I didn't pump or feed Tristan every couple hours. I'm able to go somewhere with my family for hours at a time without having to breastfeed in public (which is not my thing at all).
Tristan transitioned just fine to this new routine.
I felt like a failure. I still do. I feel like Tristan needed me to do something for him and I just couldn't. I feel like I've wanted this baby boy so long that I should be willing to do anything and everything for him. I see all these power moms that breastfeed for months and months, and I couldn't even make it to two months. I failed. And it still hurts when I think about it. I feel like I just totally let Tristan down, which is the heaviest feeling of guilt I've felt in a long time.
I have to remind myself that a ton of moms don't even breastfeed for as long as I did, and Tristan was breastfed during the critical first six weeks of his life. So, I feel good. Guilty and defeated, but still good.
Because more important than Tristan needing Mommy's milk is Tristan needing Mommy happy. And, truth be told, after I move passed the sense of failure, I am happy with this decision. And a happy Mommy makes a happy Tristan. :)
Oh, breastfeeding.
I had big, big plans. Big plans to solely breastfeed until Tristan was six months old. I was going to pump up a grandiose supply of breast milk for Tristan to enjoy beyond those six months, or for Aaron to bottle feed Tristan while I'm at work.
As you can see...big plans!
Big plans that fell through.
For some reason, breastfeeding with Ella was easier. I was able to do it much longer than with Tristan.
I think a big part being that Ella was my one and only. I also was not working. So, every minute of everyday was devoted to her, which made breastfeeding not as challenging.
But, I'll admit, it was very difficult for me this time around.
I started out with big hopes and solely fed Tristan breast milk until he was hospitalized for jaundice and my doctor ordered that I supplement with formula (for the Vitamin D). From that point on, I breastfed while supplementing with formula.
Tristan started preferring the bottle. It takes a lot less work for the baby to feed from a bottle than the boob, and even though he would latch onto me, it had become a comfort thing where he would just immediately fall asleep. He'd then wake up hungry, I'd try and feed him again, but then he'd fall asleep. Such had become the nighttime drill, so I started pumping in the middle of the night to feed him a bottle, but who in their right mind wants to pump, which is already as un-fun as it gets, at 2:00 in the morning? I did that for awhile, but it started making my nighttime feedings overwhelming for me.
I would breastfeed during the day, but for whatever reason, this time around it just wasn't my thing.
So, I told Aaron that I wanted to ween Tristan off from breastfeeding and just formula feed him.
He was very surprised, since I had talked such a big talk to how I was so excited to breastfeed. But, walking the walk is serving to be more difficult than I expected, and I didn't want this expectation I put on myself to negatively affect me.
And, even though it may be awful to admit, I feel a sense of relief now that I'm not breastfeeding. Whenever I go somewhere, I don't have to worry about leaking. I don't leak on the sheets at night or wake up with huge wet circles on my shirt. I don't feel the pain from fullness that I'd get if I didn't pump or feed Tristan every couple hours. I'm able to go somewhere with my family for hours at a time without having to breastfeed in public (which is not my thing at all).
Tristan transitioned just fine to this new routine.
I felt like a failure. I still do. I feel like Tristan needed me to do something for him and I just couldn't. I feel like I've wanted this baby boy so long that I should be willing to do anything and everything for him. I see all these power moms that breastfeed for months and months, and I couldn't even make it to two months. I failed. And it still hurts when I think about it. I feel like I just totally let Tristan down, which is the heaviest feeling of guilt I've felt in a long time.
I have to remind myself that a ton of moms don't even breastfeed for as long as I did, and Tristan was breastfed during the critical first six weeks of his life. So, I feel good. Guilty and defeated, but still good.
Because more important than Tristan needing Mommy's milk is Tristan needing Mommy happy. And, truth be told, after I move passed the sense of failure, I am happy with this decision. And a happy Mommy makes a happy Tristan. :)
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Blog Has Been Taking the Back Burner
I was silly to think I could keep blogging up as avidly (if you can even call it that) as I did before Tristan was born. Even though I'm not working, my time manages to pass by without me getting around to writing a post. My days and nights flow into each other and quite often, I don't know what day of the week it is!
I think the main issue is that I'm such a perfectionist! I want the content of my blog to be worthy of reading. I enjoying conjuring up interesting topics, ideas or themes, but lately, I can't manage to put all my thoughts to words. I come up with ideas on what to blog about in the middle of one day, but it's not until five days later that I actually start the post, and by then, I've forgotten about my oh-so-grand idea! I guess I should start writing them down. :)
I'm constantly being distracted...in a good way, of course. It's hard to commit to any one task at hand with a needy baby boy. Dishes take longer. I fold half a load of laundry until Tristan absolutely must be held, and then the other half doesn't seem to get folded until the next day. Showers are hit and miss, and sometimes it's not until Aaron gets home from work late afternoon that I get my "morning" shower in. Sometimes I shower before Aaron leaves for work. Sometimes I don't shower at all. I know...ew! My living room has officially become a war zone between Ella's toys and trinkets versus Tristan's blankets and bibs. It's a constant battle between the two. And it's not that I don't tidy up...it's just that minutes after doing so, it's a mess again. My white flag is waving in defeat. :)
So, as you can see, sitting down to write a quality blog post is hard.
I love blogging. Love, love, love! But, I love my baby boy and darling daughter more. But, nevertheless, I'm going to try and make a much better effort to put some material out there in cyberspace. Blogging makes me feel good. It's a reflection of me. Writing gives me a sense of pride and confidence. I can't really explain why...I guess it's because this is my blog stamped with my name that only I own. It's mine. It's special.
It's my therapy.
My outlet.
My memoir.
My documentary.
My heart.
And, as such, I'm going to try and prioritize this "baby" and make a diligent effort to post more often.
No guarantee, though. :)
I think the main issue is that I'm such a perfectionist! I want the content of my blog to be worthy of reading. I enjoying conjuring up interesting topics, ideas or themes, but lately, I can't manage to put all my thoughts to words. I come up with ideas on what to blog about in the middle of one day, but it's not until five days later that I actually start the post, and by then, I've forgotten about my oh-so-grand idea! I guess I should start writing them down. :)
I'm constantly being distracted...in a good way, of course. It's hard to commit to any one task at hand with a needy baby boy. Dishes take longer. I fold half a load of laundry until Tristan absolutely must be held, and then the other half doesn't seem to get folded until the next day. Showers are hit and miss, and sometimes it's not until Aaron gets home from work late afternoon that I get my "morning" shower in. Sometimes I shower before Aaron leaves for work. Sometimes I don't shower at all. I know...ew! My living room has officially become a war zone between Ella's toys and trinkets versus Tristan's blankets and bibs. It's a constant battle between the two. And it's not that I don't tidy up...it's just that minutes after doing so, it's a mess again. My white flag is waving in defeat. :)
So, as you can see, sitting down to write a quality blog post is hard.
I love blogging. Love, love, love! But, I love my baby boy and darling daughter more. But, nevertheless, I'm going to try and make a much better effort to put some material out there in cyberspace. Blogging makes me feel good. It's a reflection of me. Writing gives me a sense of pride and confidence. I can't really explain why...I guess it's because this is my blog stamped with my name that only I own. It's mine. It's special.
It's my therapy.
My outlet.
My memoir.
My documentary.
My heart.
And, as such, I'm going to try and prioritize this "baby" and make a diligent effort to post more often.
No guarantee, though. :)
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Maternity Leave Fastly Coming to an End
Goodness, my maternity leave is just flying by! I go back to work a week from Monday. I cannot tell you enough how much I'm going to miss these days at home with my little loves. I finally got a good routine in place (well, as good as it can be with the unpredictability of a newborn), and I'm going to have to re-find my groove once I start up work.
Luckily, because I have an amazingly flexible and understanding boss, my hours will be as follows:
The reason for the crazy hours are, as you can guess, to avoid putting Tristan in daycare. So, basically right when Aaron gets home in the afternoon, I head off to work. For those of you that don't know, I work at a law office as a paralegal.
Yes, the law office's hours are the typical 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m., so my boss is really being generous in allowing me to work most of my hours during "off hour" times.
Also, my mom is kicking it into Grandma mode, and will be watching both kiddos Tuesdays and Wednesdays mornings, and then, with the six hours I'll be working on Saturdays, it brings my weekly grand total to 24 hours.
I get paid for 30-hour weeks, though, so I will be using vacation time I accrued from last year, and the three weeks I get this year, to meet those hours. There is no better way to spend my vacation time than to be home with my little lady and my little man. :)
Luckily, because I have an amazingly flexible and understanding boss, my hours will be as follows:
- Monday - 4:00 to 6:00 p.m.
- Tuesday - 9:00 a.m. to noon, 4:00 to 6:00 p.m.
- Wednesday - 9:00 a.m. to noon, 4:00 to 6:00 p.m.
- Thursday - 4:00 to 6:00 p.m.
- Friday - 3:30 to 5:30 p.m.
- Saturday - 6 hours
The reason for the crazy hours are, as you can guess, to avoid putting Tristan in daycare. So, basically right when Aaron gets home in the afternoon, I head off to work. For those of you that don't know, I work at a law office as a paralegal.
Yes, the law office's hours are the typical 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m., so my boss is really being generous in allowing me to work most of my hours during "off hour" times.
Also, my mom is kicking it into Grandma mode, and will be watching both kiddos Tuesdays and Wednesdays mornings, and then, with the six hours I'll be working on Saturdays, it brings my weekly grand total to 24 hours.
I get paid for 30-hour weeks, though, so I will be using vacation time I accrued from last year, and the three weeks I get this year, to meet those hours. There is no better way to spend my vacation time than to be home with my little lady and my little man. :)
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