Aaron and I have been committing a lot of time to our yards lately. This Spring weather keeps my family and I outdoors literally all day long, and Aaron is very excited because, after 3 years of living at this house, he is FINALLY getting around to sprucing up our yards. He's been very patient with allowing me to get things done INSIDE our house, and now he's eager to get going on the yards. I think gardening is very therapeutic and calming for him, something to help him unwind after a long day at work.
I don't really consider myself much of a "gardener." I could do without getting dirt under my nails, raking leaves and pulling weeds, but being outdoors all day has been very therapeutic for me as well. Breathing in the fresh air, feeling the cool breeze and warm sunshine all help keep my mind on the present - being intentional in breathing each breath fully and with purpose, being intentional in how I spend my time with Ella, being intentional in respecting Aaron and making my relationship with him a priority. Sluggishly getting through the day, rather than treating the day as the gift that it really is, is not something I will personally allow myself to do. That is not something I want to demonstrate to Ella. Ella looks to me to show her the beauty of this life and all the possibilities, and I refuse to lazily take on such a task.
Even so, being happy, the true, I-can't-stop-smiling, all-consuming happy, is something I haven't wholeheartedly felt for awhile now. Not to say that I'm not happy, because I am. I have a lot to be happy about, but there is still that void...that huge infertile void. But, with Spring in the air, I am feeling much better! This season is all about beauty, growth and renewal, and I hope that my faith in God and His plan for my life will reflect such characteristics. Spring is also the season of birth, so along those lines, I hope and pray that God will bless us with a pregnancy.
But until God does bless us with a second pregnancy, I will continue to consciously make an effort to change my attitude. As Scott Hamilton said, "The worst disability in life is a bad attitude." There are things in life that cannot be controlled (getting pregnant!), but the attitude to which I get through these unprecedented difficult times is so important. If I have a negative attitude about it, my body (stress, anxiety, etc.), my relationships and my family suffer. But, if I keep myself in check, if I intentionally change my attitude and how I live each day, then all elements of my life should fall into place as they should.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Dear God, I’m Listening
After a wonderful weekend at my parents' cabin, I feel more relaxed and more at peace. Aaron, Ella and I greatly needed some time away from reality. Children are a reflection of their parents. The parents' goals, choices, lifestyles, personalities and feelings all pass onto their children, either purposely or accidentally. The most important lessons a child learns are CAUGHT, not TAUGHT. I believe Ella senses our moods, and even though we try our hardest to hide our worries and stresses from her, she can't help but sense things. She's a very empathetic little girl.
A part of that stress is Aaron's job. Pink slips are being handed out, and we're not sure whether or not he's going to be asked to come back next year. Because he's teaching under an internship, his superiors have until May 1st to decide. Until then, we are hoping and praying he's asked back! As you all know, there aren't that many other jobs right now, and because there are so many cuts, there will be a ton of teachers fighting for the few positions that are available. I have such confidence in Aaron, though. He succeeds in everything he puts his mind to. He has devoted a lot of time and energy to this class and I know his superiors will see it! They better, or they'll have an angry wife to deal with! An angry wife on Clomid, at that! Watch out world!
Another stress is deciding whether or not to have an IUI done this cycle. Aaron has left the decision up to me. We listen to each other, say what we need to say, but in the end, he knows that it will be my choice and he says he will be 100% supportive of my decision regardless of the direction my heart takes me. This reminds me...while driving up to the cabin, we were listening to an oldies station (yes, reception was bad!), and the song, "Listen to Your Heart" by Roxette came on. The chorus goes:
"Listen to your heart
when [H]e's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell [H]im goodbye."
While listening to the song, Aaron and I were holding hands and he turned to me and said, "I'm dedicating this song to you." I looked at him confused, "But I'm not telling you goodbye, hun!" His response, "Him as in God." He knows my faith is struggling with this infertility, but Aaron, in the sweetest possible way, reminded me to keep my faith strong and to not allow myself to forget about God in all of this. I love you, babe!
As you can well guess, I've been doing a lot of praying and thinking this past week and it'll go on into next week (when I ovulate). Even though I trust God and His perfect timing, do I continue waiting for Him to bless me with a second child? Or, do I put some trust in my doctor, too? Medicine is used to do wondrous things. Doctors are able to perform procedures, such as the IUI. I'm struggling with what God wants us to do. There is no known "problem" with either Aaron or me, and we were able to conceive Ella just fine, so a part of me wants to just wait. But, the other part of me knows how long I've waited and it's time to be proactive and do what needs to be done!
God, I'm listening!
A part of that stress is Aaron's job. Pink slips are being handed out, and we're not sure whether or not he's going to be asked to come back next year. Because he's teaching under an internship, his superiors have until May 1st to decide. Until then, we are hoping and praying he's asked back! As you all know, there aren't that many other jobs right now, and because there are so many cuts, there will be a ton of teachers fighting for the few positions that are available. I have such confidence in Aaron, though. He succeeds in everything he puts his mind to. He has devoted a lot of time and energy to this class and I know his superiors will see it! They better, or they'll have an angry wife to deal with! An angry wife on Clomid, at that! Watch out world!
Another stress is deciding whether or not to have an IUI done this cycle. Aaron has left the decision up to me. We listen to each other, say what we need to say, but in the end, he knows that it will be my choice and he says he will be 100% supportive of my decision regardless of the direction my heart takes me. This reminds me...while driving up to the cabin, we were listening to an oldies station (yes, reception was bad!), and the song, "Listen to Your Heart" by Roxette came on. The chorus goes:
"Listen to your heart
when [H]e's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell [H]im goodbye."
While listening to the song, Aaron and I were holding hands and he turned to me and said, "I'm dedicating this song to you." I looked at him confused, "But I'm not telling you goodbye, hun!" His response, "Him as in God." He knows my faith is struggling with this infertility, but Aaron, in the sweetest possible way, reminded me to keep my faith strong and to not allow myself to forget about God in all of this. I love you, babe!
As you can well guess, I've been doing a lot of praying and thinking this past week and it'll go on into next week (when I ovulate). Even though I trust God and His perfect timing, do I continue waiting for Him to bless me with a second child? Or, do I put some trust in my doctor, too? Medicine is used to do wondrous things. Doctors are able to perform procedures, such as the IUI. I'm struggling with what God wants us to do. There is no known "problem" with either Aaron or me, and we were able to conceive Ella just fine, so a part of me wants to just wait. But, the other part of me knows how long I've waited and it's time to be proactive and do what needs to be done!
God, I'm listening!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
IOU for IUI
I'm tired, period. I'm tired of allowing myself to gain hope each month only to be crushed over and over again, period. I'm tired of crying and feeling insecure about myself, period. I'm tired of the person I become when I lose hope and reality sets in, period. I'm just tired.
As you can well guess, my period came. God...why??? I know that answer will be revealed in time, but right now, I'm just trying to remain strong with the faith that it will happen! I WILL GET PREGNANT...whether it be "6 months or 6 years from now" (as Aaron said), but in my heart of hearts, I know God will provide. He always has and always will. He has never let me down, and I'm not going to start doubting Him now, no matter how difficult the circumstances are.
So, now onto the intrauterine insemination (IUI) in a couple weeks. I pray this does the trick. My infertility is unexplained, as my doctor says. All the tests have come back fine. And if the IUI doesn't work (which we may need to do a few times), my doctor is going to refer me to a infertility specialist. The IUI isn't cheap, so realistically, I don't know how many times we'll be able to afford to have it done. Hopefully just once!
(These pictures were taken when Aaron, Ella and I went camping at Patrick's Point State Park in June 2008. Ella was 1 year 9 months old. I think we need to go back...and soon!)
As you can well guess, my period came. God...why??? I know that answer will be revealed in time, but right now, I'm just trying to remain strong with the faith that it will happen! I WILL GET PREGNANT...whether it be "6 months or 6 years from now" (as Aaron said), but in my heart of hearts, I know God will provide. He always has and always will. He has never let me down, and I'm not going to start doubting Him now, no matter how difficult the circumstances are.
So, now onto the intrauterine insemination (IUI) in a couple weeks. I pray this does the trick. My infertility is unexplained, as my doctor says. All the tests have come back fine. And if the IUI doesn't work (which we may need to do a few times), my doctor is going to refer me to a infertility specialist. The IUI isn't cheap, so realistically, I don't know how many times we'll be able to afford to have it done. Hopefully just once!
(These pictures were taken when Aaron, Ella and I went camping at Patrick's Point State Park in June 2008. Ella was 1 year 9 months old. I think we need to go back...and soon!)
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Click
Have you seen the movie, "Click"? The one where Adam Sandler plays a work-o-holic dad who can't find the time to balance his career life with his family life. He is given a miracle remote control that can fast forward, pause, mute his life. The clicker soon left his life meaningless. While fast forwarding through rough times may seem appealing, it is those times that made his life what it is...makes MY life what it is. After watching this movie a couple nights ago, Aaron and I simply looked at each other, without saying much, both knowing that we needed to see this movie at this specific time! God knew we needed to see it.
As you all know, it has been really hard accepting God's plan for our roles as parents. He has entrusted us with Ella, but has put a halt on entrusting us with any more children at this time. But, although incredibly difficult and saddening, EVERY person's life has troubles! We all can't expect to press the fast forward button on our miracle remote controls to speed us to when things are better. For when we all have our dream jobs and are making enough money to live comfortably. For when I am pregnant! But is there really a "better" time. Is that even possible? There is no such thing as a perfect life, but it is the ATTITUDE to which you deal with life's imperfections that makes it perfect. In fact, getting through these rough times may possibly be the most rewarding part of our lives. It shows our true character and strength! It is so easy to live joyfully when everything goes your way, but living your life with the same amount of joy even when things turn sour is a true reflection of your inner self.
"Click" also emphasized the importance of family. Career should NEVER come before family...never, ever ever! But for me, a career isn't coming before family, but my infertility is! I think about it so often, that even what I do have...my wonderful husband and perfect daughter...are put on the back burner. Embarrassing and incomprehensible, but true. Don't get me wrong, though. Aaron and Ella are my world! Imagining my life without Aaron's hugs or Ella's laughter is...gosh, just thinking about it puts a frog in my throat.
And even though I would love to fast forward to when I'm pregnant, I can't take away the days God has given me. Realistically, fast forwarding through life is impossible, but do you ever find yourself looking forward to something in the future that even the power of now is forgotten? Tomorrow is Monday already and I'm sure many of you are already wanting for Friday to hurry up. You get the picture. And even though looking forward to upcoming events or experiences is fine and dandy, taking away from the beauty of today should never be lost. I can't lose these days with my 3-year old daughter for the day when I find out I'm pregnant. I can't focus all my attention on my future, the hope of getting pregnant, when I have been given the gift of today to show Aaron and Ella how much they mean to me, to live every minute of today with purpose.
So, with all this said, I wholeheartedly recommend any of you who haven't seen "Click," to watch it, and then let me know what you think!
As you all know, it has been really hard accepting God's plan for our roles as parents. He has entrusted us with Ella, but has put a halt on entrusting us with any more children at this time. But, although incredibly difficult and saddening, EVERY person's life has troubles! We all can't expect to press the fast forward button on our miracle remote controls to speed us to when things are better. For when we all have our dream jobs and are making enough money to live comfortably. For when I am pregnant! But is there really a "better" time. Is that even possible? There is no such thing as a perfect life, but it is the ATTITUDE to which you deal with life's imperfections that makes it perfect. In fact, getting through these rough times may possibly be the most rewarding part of our lives. It shows our true character and strength! It is so easy to live joyfully when everything goes your way, but living your life with the same amount of joy even when things turn sour is a true reflection of your inner self.
"Click" also emphasized the importance of family. Career should NEVER come before family...never, ever ever! But for me, a career isn't coming before family, but my infertility is! I think about it so often, that even what I do have...my wonderful husband and perfect daughter...are put on the back burner. Embarrassing and incomprehensible, but true. Don't get me wrong, though. Aaron and Ella are my world! Imagining my life without Aaron's hugs or Ella's laughter is...gosh, just thinking about it puts a frog in my throat.
And even though I would love to fast forward to when I'm pregnant, I can't take away the days God has given me. Realistically, fast forwarding through life is impossible, but do you ever find yourself looking forward to something in the future that even the power of now is forgotten? Tomorrow is Monday already and I'm sure many of you are already wanting for Friday to hurry up. You get the picture. And even though looking forward to upcoming events or experiences is fine and dandy, taking away from the beauty of today should never be lost. I can't lose these days with my 3-year old daughter for the day when I find out I'm pregnant. I can't focus all my attention on my future, the hope of getting pregnant, when I have been given the gift of today to show Aaron and Ella how much they mean to me, to live every minute of today with purpose.
So, with all this said, I wholeheartedly recommend any of you who haven't seen "Click," to watch it, and then let me know what you think!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Is the Unknown Supposed to be Scary?
If you would have told me it'd take me over 1-1/2 years to get pregnant, I wouldn't have believed you. And I still don't know when my time will come. But, would I want to know even if I could? Would I have wanted to know 1-1/2 years ago that today, I would still not be pregnant? No way! Because that would mean during each of those days from then until now, I would've lived my days absent of hope. I would not have walked through life with my head held high, showing that I am strong and that, with God's help, I can get through each day, knowing that each day brings me closer to my second pregnancy!
Living through the unknown may be unbearable at times, but life is all about the unknown. Each day can bring a wonderful surprise or a devastating reality. Cancer so soon knocks on people's doors. My wonderful father-in-law was diagnosed with cancer at a ripe young age of 51 years. He is fighting it and his cancer is now dormant, but there is still the unknown of how long it'll remain dormant? If more treatment will be necessary, and what kind? Chemo? When, if at all, will this happen? Motorcycle accidents break a family apart, leaving a young wife, 3 daughters and a mom left to question God, "Why?" An incurable disease may creep into your life or the life of a loved one. There truly is no telling what tomorrow will bring. But, what other option is there, but to stand up tall and hope for a better tomorrow!
But is the "unknown" supposed to be scary? Am I supposed to walk through my infertility with fear...fear that I won't ever bear a second child? Do each of us wake up every morning timidly, afraid of what the day may bring? No! Not knowing what the day will bring is somethings the best part! Because with uncertainty comes hope. There cannot be hope when you know the outcome, there can only be hope when you don't know! This is why I'm focused on living a life filled with hope. It's is the most positive emotion I can embody when living through the unknown.
I'm 8 days past ovulation (dpo) today and the cramps are in full force. My cramps predictably begin about a week before my period starts, so the fact that they started yesterday, to be exact, makes me believe they are PMS cramps. So, I am realistically expecting my period to start early next week, but hoping that these cramps may, in fact, be early pregnancy cramps. I've read so many articles on-line that say pregnancy symptoms and PMS symptoms are identical. I remember with Ella I had cramping, but that wasn't until after I found out I was pregnant. Or maybe I'm just too in tuned to my body now, feeling every feeling, pinpointing each pinch or cramp? I don't know. Time will tell, I suppose. The two-week wait is so emotionally draining!
Aaron and I have discussed the prospect of my period starting and what our next step will be. We have decided to go forward with an IUI. Hopefully it doesn't come to that, but if it does, we are ready to walk down that road together, hand in hand.
Living through the unknown may be unbearable at times, but life is all about the unknown. Each day can bring a wonderful surprise or a devastating reality. Cancer so soon knocks on people's doors. My wonderful father-in-law was diagnosed with cancer at a ripe young age of 51 years. He is fighting it and his cancer is now dormant, but there is still the unknown of how long it'll remain dormant? If more treatment will be necessary, and what kind? Chemo? When, if at all, will this happen? Motorcycle accidents break a family apart, leaving a young wife, 3 daughters and a mom left to question God, "Why?" An incurable disease may creep into your life or the life of a loved one. There truly is no telling what tomorrow will bring. But, what other option is there, but to stand up tall and hope for a better tomorrow!
But is the "unknown" supposed to be scary? Am I supposed to walk through my infertility with fear...fear that I won't ever bear a second child? Do each of us wake up every morning timidly, afraid of what the day may bring? No! Not knowing what the day will bring is somethings the best part! Because with uncertainty comes hope. There cannot be hope when you know the outcome, there can only be hope when you don't know! This is why I'm focused on living a life filled with hope. It's is the most positive emotion I can embody when living through the unknown.
I'm 8 days past ovulation (dpo) today and the cramps are in full force. My cramps predictably begin about a week before my period starts, so the fact that they started yesterday, to be exact, makes me believe they are PMS cramps. So, I am realistically expecting my period to start early next week, but hoping that these cramps may, in fact, be early pregnancy cramps. I've read so many articles on-line that say pregnancy symptoms and PMS symptoms are identical. I remember with Ella I had cramping, but that wasn't until after I found out I was pregnant. Or maybe I'm just too in tuned to my body now, feeling every feeling, pinpointing each pinch or cramp? I don't know. Time will tell, I suppose. The two-week wait is so emotionally draining!
Aaron and I have discussed the prospect of my period starting and what our next step will be. We have decided to go forward with an IUI. Hopefully it doesn't come to that, but if it does, we are ready to walk down that road together, hand in hand.
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