Oh Christmas Tree (Written Last December)

I wrote this post last December, while going through our IVF cycle, which you all know was unsuccessful. I just want you all to remember the sense of hope and joy this season brings. Even though our first IVF cycle was not the one to bring us our baby, God has used that dark time in my life for His glory. And never, ever, in my wildest dreams, did I imagine that I would have a son to share the following Christmas with. So, never give up hope! Even in the darkest of times, keep your faith strong and your head held high. Because, even though we cannot see our future, God has it perfectly arranged with our best interest at heart.

Oh Christmas Tree

My favorite Christmas tradition growing up was going to the nearby Christmas tree farm. There's something special about claiming the perfect tree and cutting it down among a forest of Christmas trees, rather than making the selection from pre-cut Christmas tress at a lot on the corner of a busy street or in a Home Depot parking lot.

So, naturally, after moving back to my hometown, Aaron and I have taken it upon ourselves to keep this tradition alive with our little Ella.

The trip to the tree farm starts the Christmas season off perfectly. We always go the weekend after Thanksgiving, leaving ourselves ample amount of time to enjoy our decorated tree in our home and the smell that can turn any bad day good. Oooh, the smell of a Christmas tree! There's nothing like it in the world, is there?

Over the past four years, each visit to the tree farm has left me with different feelings. Different memories. Different happinesses. Different cherished moments. Different dreams.

My favorite Christmas tradition growing up was going to the nearby Christmas tree farm. There's something special about claiming the perfect tree and cutting it down among a forest of Christmas trees, rather than making the selection from pre-cut Christmas tress at a lot on the corner of a busy street or in a Home Depot parking lot.

So, naturally, after moving back to my hometown, Aaron and I have taken it upon ourselves to keep this tradition alive with our little Ella.

The trip to the tree farm starts the Christmas season off perfectly. We always go the weekend after Thanksgiving, leaving ourselves ample amount of time to enjoy our decorated tree in our home and the smell that can turn any bad day good. Oooh, the smell of a Christmas tree! There's nothing like it in the world, is there?

Over the past four years, each visit to the tree farm has left me with different feelings. Different memories. Different happinesses. Different cherished moments. Different dreams.

The first year, Ella was only a couple months older than a year. She was new to walking and you can imagine how uncoordinated she was exploring on uneven ground, but luckily, diapers provide the best cushion. At this age, Ella would say, "Prettiessss!" So, once all the lights were wrapped around our chosen tree, we heard her soft coos of adoration. I can just hear her young voice now when.

The second year, I remember Ella thoroughly enjoying herself, but you would've never guessed it as she was going through her "serious stage." I didn't get one single picture of her smiling! This stage lasted for months at which time she constantly had a serious look on her face, observing everything, soaking it all in.

This year also marked our first holiday season together while trying to conceive our second child. The holidays came and went, but it didn't really phase us because we both figured we'd have a baby wrapped in our arms at next year's Christmas tree cutting excursion.

Unfortunately, we were wrong. Big time.

The following year Ella was three years old. This year her opinions really started to evolve, pointing out trees that she thought were best and worthy of taking home. With each passing year, Ella's enthusiasm grew. And there's nothing like witnessing a child's excitement during the holidays, especially your own child's. It's very magical.

And, despite how much I love the tree farm and how it commemorates the beginning of the holidays, a part of me didn't want another holiday season to pass without a positive home pregnancy test, without seeing those miraculous two lines, without a little peanut growing inside of me, let alone a baby cradled in my arms! Nevertheless, Christmas is still a time for celebration and celebrate is what I did, but not without that feeling of emptiness creeping up on me every now and again.

This past weekend marked our fourth trip to the tree farm and still no baby. But, despite having an empty womb, I still have my beautiful 4-year old daughter to share the experience with. Her maturity shined during this visit, showing both of us how much she's grown up this past year. She was still so excited, and I don't think we passed a tree without her saying, "How about this one?" :)

So, this Christmas season marks over 2 years and 3 months of trying to conceive. Those were the longest, but yet fastest 27 months of our marriage.

However, instead of feeling incredibly hopeless this holiday season, I feel quite the opposite. IVF has filled me with an unimaginable sense of hope! After all, isn't the message of Christmas really a story of hope? Isn't hope the ultimate gift God has promised all of us with the birth of his son, Jesus Christ?

God blessed Aaron and me with a Christmas pregnancy in 2005, and we are both hoping and praying that a similar blessing is a part of God's plan for our lives this Christmas.

Last Night as a Family of Three

Here I am, less than 24 hours away from meeting my son, and it is so hard to put into words how I'm feeling.

Am I anxious? Very!

Am I nervous? You betcha!

Am I excited? You better believe it!

Am I ready? Oh yeah!

I'm such a big ball of emotions. I'm already getting teary-eyed imagining seeing Tristan for the first time, holding him for the first time, watching Ella's face as she sees Tristan for the first time, watching Aaron cuddle with his son. Tomorrow is going to be filled with so many wonderful memories that I will never, ever forget.

(And, our cameras' batteries are fully charged leaving no chance of us to miss a moment!).

I will always cherish December 2, 2011. It's going to be one of the best days of my life!

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

Our house is fully decorated, both inside and out. We have always decorated the weekend after Thanksgiving, and this year was no different. I knew I wanted everything perfect before Tristan arrived, and I can now rest assured that everything is ready!

The tree is fully decorated in a white, gold and red theme.

The bright Christmas lights are hung around our dining room window, as they are every year.

The mantel is set up with garland, white lights and red accessories.

"Our stockings are hung by the chimney with care." (Sorry, couldn't help myself!). Looks like we'll be needing a stocking for Tristan! :)

Some new decorations my mom bought me this year. I really like the whole red and silver look. It always comes off as very classy and elegant to me.

Also, something my mom bought me. Love it! Thanks, mom! :)

Get Your Tissue Ready

Aaron made this video for me. I have no words. I was left with tears streaming down my face after watching it. So, if you have some time, please enjoy this wonderful video filled with raw truth and heart.



(Be sure to continue watching after the song. There is more).
I can't begin to describe how this video makes me feel. It is something I will cherish forever. It is a memoir of our painful journey and a reminder of God's never-ending faithfulness.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you, Aaron.

38 Weeks (Last Update!)

How Far Along: 38 weeks!

Size of Baby: According to Baby Center, Tristan should be roughly 6.8 pounds and over 19-1/2 inches long.

Picture of Baby:  None, but picture a newborn baby in a lot of goo!

38 Weeks: There's a newborn baby boy inside of me, just ready to come out!

Weight Gain: I'm thinking my weight has plateaued, so I'll just say that I gained an even 20 pounds during this pregnancy.

Belly Pic: Here you go! (Don't mind the mess of Christmas-ness behind me).

Sleep: Not good. Need more. The end.

Best Moment of the Week: Having my sister and brother-in-law visit for Thanksgiving, and being able to share these final days of my pregnancy with them. Of course, every time Sister tried to feel Tristan kick, he shied away. I'm sorry, Sister!!!

Movement: Even though he's still moving around quite a bit, I can tell his activity level has died down a bit. I've read and been told this is normal towards the end of a pregnancy because the baby simply has no room to move!

Symptoms: I am tired all the time. And, moving around has gotten hard. Things like shifting from side to side in bed and getting in and out of a car have become awkward and, I'm sure, very awkward looking. I've noticed that I don't like to stand or walk around as much as before. If there's a chair, this mama is gonna sit! Heartburn is still there, and you better believe Thanksgiving feasts don't help in that area. :) Oh, and my hands have started to swell. The wedding ring officially came off a couple days ago. That didn't make Aaron very happy, but man, it sure felt good to take it off! I was suffocating my ring finger!

Food Cravings: I still cannot believe I had no serious cravings this pregnancy.

What I Miss: My energy.

What I'm Looking Forward to: Meeting my son in a week!!!

Weekly Wisdom: Rest up!

Milestones: I get to meet Tristan in ONE WEEK!!! This time next Friday, I will be laying in my hospital bed, holding Tristan with Ella cuddling by my side and Aaron wrapping his big arms around us all. Oh, gosh, I can't wait!!! My heart will be so full, I truly think it just may explode!