Yesterday was Ella's last day in Mrs. VanDyke's 3-year old classroom. I was somewhat caught off guard because most kids are transferring to the 4-year old class in September (the beginning of the next school year), but because Ella is taking the month of July off, the preschool director thought it'd be easiest transitioning Ella to the new classroom after her break, than having her go to her 3-year old class in August and then move to the 4-year old class in September.
It makes sense, right? Am I easily accepting it? No!
Lately I have been refusing to accept Ella is growing up. I envisioned that once she was in preschool (the 4-year old class) that I'd either be pregnant or have a baby! In fact, when I enrolled Ella for her 3-year old class (in March 2009, after having tried to conceive for six months already), I had confidently told the director that we will likely have a baby while she's in school and will want him/her to be enrolled in the infant care program. She made note in Ella's file and said that wouldn't be a problem. And here it is July 2010, and I'm still not pregnant. I can no longer confidently say that I will be pregnant in the future. So much of my hope and confidence have left...but there is still that little amount left...and that little amount is all I need to not give up and to remain hopeful.
Anyway, when I found out about Ella moving to the 4-year old class early, tears surfaced...right there in front of Ella's teacher and classmates (who she calls her "buddies"). I couldn't help it! I think I cried more this time than when I dropped Ella off for the first day of her 3-year old class (actually, I take that back!).
And, Ella...oh my sweet, sympathetic, darling daughter...read my emotions and when I was leaving, my typical kiss on the forehead and quick squeeze didn't cut it. She yelled, "Mommy! Big hug! big kiss!" as I was heading to the door. I knelt down and I enveloped her in the longest hug I think I've ever had from her. I tried to pull away a couple times, but she just squeezed even harder in return. She then kissed me numerous times. I walked back to the car with my heart full, my head low and my eyes dripping tears.
I don't know what is making this next step so hard to accept...Ella actually growing up or Ella growing older by the day without a younger sibling anywhere in sight. The picture of my "ideal family" has been erased. Ever since I could grasp the concept of being a mom, I've always wanted four kids, each of them no more than 3 years apart in age. Little did I know that planning things like that is not something I can control. Ella is 3 years and 9 months old! My gosh...how naive I was to think I could control timing my perfect little family.
But just because my ideal family isn't unfolding as I had planned, it doesn't mean God's perfect family isn't in the making. Even though I'm not pregnant, God knows the very day...the very second, in fact...that we will be blessed with our little miracle. I just have to hold onto that hope.
2 comments:
Awww... I teared up reading this... Ella loves you sooo much, and she's not going to love you any less if she (for some reason or another) doesn't get a little brother or a sister. She is so beautiful and gosh, this just shows how big her heart is! You've done an amazing job being her mommy! I'm sorry she's growing up too fast!! They seem to do that... it's absolutely mind blowing just how quick it is. Take it all in sister, every hug n kiss! I hope that God puts peace on your heart and consolation during this infertile time. He is with us always! & I believe that the hug you received from Ella, was also a hug from God. He is going to do more for you than you can imagine or ask for, it just sucks waiting. :)
Oh my gosh, thank you so much for your comment! Now that I think about it, God was truly giving me a hug through Ella. That hug was so powerful and meaningful. And yes...it does suck waiting (as you know!)...but you are right! God is going to do more for each of us than we can possibly imagine or ask for. We just have to allow Him to do so.
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